StarTrek.com, since way before the 24th century, has taken great pleasure in presenting interviews with the best that Star Trek has to offer: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, Patrick Stewart, Kate Mulgrew, Scott Bakula. Today, after years of trying, we’ve tracked down one of Trek’s hardest-to-land interviews, the man (or creature) of few words and Quark´s favorite customer: Morn. Yes, Morn agreed to speak with us quite candidly in what has got to be one of the few occasions, if not the only occasion, in which he has granted a full-on interview.
Morn, you have come a long way, and for someone we never heard one word on camera from, you’ve had a great deal of attention. What’s that been like for you?
Morn: Unbelievable, because, as Quark or Dr. Bashir can tell you, I literally talk everybody’s ear off more than 99% of the time. So that means I even do quite a lot of talking in my sleep, too.
How is that possible?
Morn: Chance and the unfortunate improbabilities of consistently winning at the dabo table. Which I do now and then. But, since I practically live at Quark's bar, it's not a problem.
We can see how that might help improve the odds.
Morn: You bet.
Quark on more than one occasion has expressed his appreciation of you being his best customer. Would it be fair to conclude that Quark is probably your best friend this side of the wormhole?
Morn: Yeah, Quark is a good friend, although, he knows a good customer when he sees one and even suggested a Rule of Acquisition, #286, to be specific, in “Way of the Warrior” on the rare moment that I left the bar this one time to go out on a date. And the time I went for two weeks away on business... Do you know that Quark had it all figured out that 5% is exactly how much business he lost during that time. And before I even knew it, do you know what that son of a Moogi did? He secretly scanned me from every angle in order to have a holoprojector of my image so that no one would even know that I wasn’t sitting there as always on my barstool. You have to admit though Quark is a good business man. He knows what he's doing.
Yes, Quark is also high on our list of people we’d like to catch up with for an interview, but he always asks for a few strips of latinum up front before we even begin. And we don't pay for interviews.
Morn: Yes, LOL, there is an old Earth saying... “Money talks and bull---t walks.” Since you guys are from 21th century Earth I thought I'd throw that in for effect.
Ha-ha, Ok, Sure. You do have a good sense of humor, Morn. Where does it come from?
Morn: I grew up with 17 brothers and sisters.
So we've heard.
Morn: And in our family you had to have a sense of humor or be willing to do favors for everybody. I choose humor. Somehow it makes more sense, although if someone wants to do lots of favors or give me money than that’s good, too. And if you weren't quick enough at dinner time... you went to bed hungry.
Was it really as terrible as Dr. Bashir described?
Morn: No, I never even questioned it before that. That's what I grew up with so I just accepted it. It's very social and if you need help with anything or anyone, you suddenly find yourself surrounded by friends. And you can even play a good game of baseball both teams if you want to.
I'm sure Captain Sisko might appreciate that. Have you ever told Sisko your joke; you know, the “funniest joke in the universe”? And would you mind explaining it for our readers?
Morn: No, not Sisko, Don't know why. I just never did. It never came up in conversation. He always seems preoccupied with more important things.
Would you mind telling us your joke now?
Morn: Do you think they'll like that?
Sure, why not? What's the worst that could happen?
Morn: Your readers won't laugh?
Exactly! And besides it wouldn't be the first bad joke they've ever heard or read. You know sometimes at least some people like bad jokes and will laugh for just that reason.
Morn: Sure, I know that. I like jokes. Even Quark's jokes, although I don't always get them right away.
So, I think now would be an appropriate time to tell it and even if they don't get it right away they can at least say they heard it, read it.
Good. Go ahead…
Morn: Finalism finger fink.... Obligatory quotient yokefellow... Coconut kachina cosmological argument... Bank swallow fish story... Inculpate minuteman... Stress certifyer in lecithin. Hard hearted dill... Divine minded domineer... Mind reader sextuple... Garden fly honey suckle garbage... Palter rimfire.... Green.... Peace... Change is the ultimate solution.
That's pretty abstract. Are you sure it's even funny? Anywhere? At any time?
Morn: 24th century humor... you may not get it right away.
Did they laugh?
Morn: Yes, Then it was funny.
Can you explain it for our readers?
Morn: Not really.
Why not? Here's your big chance.
Morn: Well, talking about jokes or a joke and why it's funny or should be is like dancing about bad fashion. When it's not funny... You should just let go.
Does Commander Worf like your jokes?
Morn: Not often. I spar with Worf at least once a week in the holosuites above Quark's bar. Telling him jokes while we combat is not a good idea. Unless they are subtle one liners that help us focus more on our battle techniques. I usually try not to make him angry though. Worf is the best sparring partner I've ever had. And as long as we both benefit from it I'd be happy to continue doing so.
Are you still in contact with Mark Allen Shepherd, and if so would you guys like to work together again soon?
Morn: Absolutely, Shepherd is a great guy and a good friend. In fact there are some who say we are one and the same, and I've recently heard word that we will both be appearing on Earth at Creation Entertainment’s Official Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas on July 31st til August 3rd.
It's been a pleasure interviewing you, Morn. Is there anything else you would like to say to our readers?
Morn: Yes, I would like to say thank you to all the fans and to you Mark Allen Shepherd, because it is really you isn't it?
Mark Allen Shepherd: Yes, Morn! It's really been me all the time. And Morn and I would both like to wish you all a Happy April Fool’s Day.