Published Jan 18, 2022
An Interview with Her Majesty Queen Grudge
The Queen talks about her new book, The Book of Grudge
By Robb Pearlman
Author’s Personal Log:
I arrived at Federation Headquarters an hour before my scheduled meeting. Why? Because even in the 32nd century, there’s always traffic. And if there wasn’t any traffic, the possibility of a space-time anomaly, transporter malfunction, or unexpected First Contact that would, at best, make me late or at worst, send me to a different universe still exists. So, in order to not be caught in some sort of accidental transporter pattern buffer, violate the Temporal Accords more than I already had, or make Grudge wait for me, I decided to hitch an early ride with a Ni’Varian shuttle delivering President T’Rina to tea with Saru. I’m not one for tea, so I decided to spend some time in the officer’s lounge nursing a sugar-free Andorian vanilla oat milk latte. But since I knew I’d need a shot of courage, I added another shot of espresso. And a shot of Saurian Brandy. While I sipped, I scrolled through holographic email to purge my junk folder of centuries’ worth of spam until it was time.
I beamed from the lounge onto Discovery’s bridge to find Grudge, the subject of my latest book, The Book of Grudge, napping in the captain’s chair. What follows is a transcription — to the best of my recollection — of our meeting.
Robb: Hi, Grudge.
Grudge: You? Again?
Robb: Me again!
Grudge: Haven’t I given you enough?
Robb: More than enough! But now that it is available to the public, our publisher asked me to come by and talk to you about the book.
Grudge: You mean Book?
Robb: Yes, The Book of Grudge.
Robb:The Book of Grudge.
Grudge: Why are you saying it that way? Yes, my Book. Cleveland “Book” Booker. He’s mine.
Robb: No, no.
Grudge: Yes, yes. Tall guy from Kewjan. Deep voice.
Robb: No, no — the book we wrote. Hardcover. Ninety-six pages? Out now from Hero Collector?
Grudge: We wrote?
Robb: You wrote. I typed.
Grudge: Okay, I understand now.
Robb: Isn’t it nice that we understand each other? We don’t even need a universal translator at this point.
Grudge: Listen, if people don’t understand me, that’s their problem. But I think the book will go a long way toward helping them with very little effort on my part. Are… are you recording this?
Robb: Is that okay?
Grudge: I’d prefer you just write everything down.
Grudge: And submit it to me for final approval. I’ve signed NDAs, you know, and cannot give anything away.
Grudge: It’s for your benefit, too. You wouldn’t want to be sued.
Robb: I understand.
Grudge: By… me.
Grudge: Nothing. I was just stretching. Edit that out. So, you think you’re going to be a great journalist like Jake Sisko?
Robb: Hardly! I’m just doing this for StarTrek.com, so they can show the fans exactly what they’ve got to look forward to.
Grudge: This is very meta and I’m not sure I approve.
Robb: I could leave, but your fans would sure be disappointed.
Grudge: Well, if you put it that way. Fine.
Robb: Great. Sure. So, is there anyone you’d like to thank? I, for one, would like to acknowledge Dr. Culber for curing me of my cat allergy! I’m not smart enough to know what was in those hyposprays, but whatever it was it worked! Thanks, Science!
Grudge: I’d like to thank the vast majority of Discovery’s crewmembers for leaving me alone.
Robb: Fair enough. Is there anything you’d like readers to know about you that didn’t appear in the book?
Grudge: Has the finale aired yet?
Robb: The midseason one has.
Grudge: NDA. Let’s just talk about what’s in the book.
Robb: Fair enough.
Grudge: I can’t tell you how many incoming transmissions I get from fans across the universe. Some want autographed pictures, some want me to wish their Imzadi a happy birthday, and some are just Orions looking to get a hiss out of me. But most of them just want to know what I’m thinking. About everything. Since it would have taken too much time away from my napping schedule to answer each one individually, I decided to put it all into a book. So, this book gives the people — and Andorians and Trill and sentient computers — what they want: my takes on everything from space travel to alien species to the beings who work beneath me on Discovery. And, because it’s my book, I’ve taken the opportunity to indulge in a little poetry, too. Haiku; who knew? It was exhausting work — I guess you helped a little — but I know it’s worth it. Because it’s all about me!
It was then that Grudge gave me the look I’d grown to know all too well: She was done. I waited until she deigned to let me pet her goodbye, and signaled to Linus, who had graciously offered to beam me back to the officer’s lounge at Starfleet Headquarters. I’m always in awe of Grudge. Her regal bearing, her bold sense of self, her ability to keep people at paw’s length until they’ve proven themselves trustworthy. It’s all so inspiring! And as I return to my own century, I’ll try to take some of the lessons I learned from her majesty with me. How to be confident. How to silently demand excellence from everyone. How to sit in really, really small boxes. I’ve enjoyed my time here, and with Grudge, and hope to return one day.
Computer, file this log and share it with StarTrek.com, with a link to buy the book!
Star Trek: Discovery currently streams exclusively on Paramount+ in the U.S. Internationally, the series is available on Paramount+ in Australia, Latin America and the Nordics, and on Pluto TV in Austria, France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Switzerland and the United Kingdom on the Pluto TV Sci-Fi channel. In Canada, it airs on Bell Media’s CTV Sci-Fi Channel and streams on Crave. Star Trek: Discovery is distributed by ViacomCBS Global Distribution Group.