Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Fellow Sentient Beings:

I'm a mouthpiece from Sigma Iotia II. In case you're a rube, my planet was first visited by the Feds just after the founding of the Federation. We're a highly intelligent and imitative people, so when those Feds left us The Book (Chicago Mobs of the Twenties), we followed it, creating a society of hoods and heaters and chumps and cheaters (sunglasses).

Later, another Fed came along and wised us up. Iotians were so busy putting hits on each other that we weren't making nearly as much cabbage as we could. With the Fed's help, we set up a universal planetary government with a single boss. Our economy boomed, thanks in part to another item left behind by another Fed (sheesh, can't you guys hang on to anything?).

Over time, the JTK Foundation has helped Iotians adopt principles of peaceful co-existence, tolerance, truth, justice, democracy and double-entry bookkeeping. We haven't forgotten our roots, though, and so I hope we'll be able to have a continuing multilog that blends the best of both new and classic Iotian culture.

Dear Carpone,
What is the proper intermix formula?
Trip Zec

Trip,
When I visit my favorite blind pig, I prefer 4 parts hooch to one part water.

But that's just me. You may prefer a shot and a beer, or even one of those pink fruity drinks with the little parasols.

Dear Carpone,
Any idea where's I can gets me a heater or two?
T. Clemenza

Dear Mr. Clemenza,
I understand several of your so-called "big box" retail establishments have everyday low prices, whether you mean "heaters" that keep you warm or make wise guys cold.

Hey Carpone,
Did you know that your name reminds me of a type of cheese?
A. Bisporus

Fun Guy,
In the words of an Earth scholar of the pugilistic sciences, "?No mas!, ?No mas!"

But seriously, in my grandfather's day, a proper Iotian cultural response to a sap like you was to send some goons to throw metal your way. Then you'd remind me of swiss cheese, wearing a wooden kimono.

But that would be wrong.

Instead, I will now inflict my favorite (only) cheese joke upon you:

Q: How do you know something is debris?
A: Because it's got mold on it.

Or is that refuse you can't offer?

Mr. Carpone,
Do you know any good jokes? I like the one that starts off: "A Klingon, a Ferengi and an Andorian walk into a bar?"
RW-93216

RW,
I love that one! There's always a big laugh when the Andorian says, "Not with my antennae, you won't!"

Unfortunately, except for the brie joke above, I'm terrible at remembering jokes. Given the brie joke, though, that may be a mercy on us all.

I am, however, very fond of the written art of haiku, from the ancient Nipponese culture here on Earth. I will try to offer you an original haiku in each future column, but for this first column, let me give you my favorite (not original):

Five minutes later
I wish you were a sandwich
So sorry, princess

(Dames may prefer to substitute "you jerk" for "princess.")

Yo Carpone,
If you guys imitate everything so well, why isn't your culture more well known for producing a bunch of Rich Littles?
Richard L.

You are obviously confusing Iotians with the successful survivors of The Terrratin Incident.

Sir,
What do you recommend a Roth IRA account, or mutual fund?
C. Schwab

Dear Swab,
I've never trusted Hyman and his investment schemes, especially after that Cuban fiasco. So the Roth IRA is a non-starter.

Investment strategies are very personal and depend on your goals, age and appetite for risk, among other things.

If I could offer one piece of advice to an investor, it would be to diversify. In the words of my grandfather, "Only a palooka would put all of his lettuce in one speakeasy."

Hey Carpone,
Are you related to Al Capone?
Y Zguy

Y,
In an earlier day a reverent Iotian would have found your question sacrilegious, as claiming relationship to The Prophet would be as bad as laying your mitts on The Book.

Of course, most Iotians now accept the principle of IDIC, and tolerate ignorant, unwashed yahoos like you and their lousy questions (ok, so maybe we need to work on our toleration a bit).

Anyway, because you ask, I am a descendant of Iotia's first Pan-Planetary Boss (hence my middle name, "Oxmyx") and an heir to the Krakow transtator fortune.

Dear Carpone,

What did you do with Pelgar? And what happened to K'Plett? They were really cool. Are they on ice somewhere?
Mr. Moto

I'm very glad you asked. I helped Pelgar in his bid for freedom pro bono publico. In seeking to assure Pelgar's post-release safety, I also struck up an acquaintance with K'Plett. Both are honorable representatives of their cultures and are doing well. In fact, I invested a sawbuck or two in a porcuswine ranch K'Plett is starting up ("mmm . . . porcuswine bacon").

Dear Carpone,
Is it true, what they say about Dillinger?
John H.

JH,
Yes, and that is generally true for Iotian males. For example, I can personally assure you that the San Francisco Bay is both cold and deep.

Dear Carpone,
You've obviously traveled faster than light, at the very least from Sigma Iotia II to Earth. What's it like?
M. Andretti

MA,
To paraphrase one of your great Earth humorist/philosophers, Douglas Adams, it's unpleasantly like being drunk (ask a glass of water).

Dear Carpone,
I'm scheduled to participate in a Fizzbin tournament in Vegas this summer. I need some tips. Can you help? And how much is it worth to you? You want in on the action?
Wild Bill

WB,
Let's save something for the next column.

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.