Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Final Greetings, Morose and Malignant Hew-Mons,

Praise the Nagus, the day has finally come. I have been paroled and by the end of this week, I shall no longer be imprisoned by Starfleet.

It all started around five years ago when I was on Earth offering some potentially profitable opportunities to some of your senior citizens. Simply because I was pursuing only the most mentally infirm candidates, Starfleet seemed to feel I was attempting to take advantage of them! I maintain that I was only trying to help those who need the most help! And as for the high finder's fees I was charging for such risky yet lucrative opportunities, I challenge anyone to find a Ferengi who would offer such deals at such savings! Then my Starfleet captors told me that the only way I could make a good impression to the Parole Board was to write an advice column for Hew-Mons, and the rest is history.

My work on the columns seemed to make points with the Parole Board, as they mentioned a number of times how important it was to them to facilitate my release and thus the end of the columns. Given some of your news headlines over the past year, I can tell that Ferengi ideals are very popular amongst your governments and corporations. Do I believe I might have had an influence? I hope so.

I doubt I shall return. Of course, if Starfleet arbitrarily decides to come after me, you never know. My plans at present are fluid, as my main consideration is to put as much distance between myself and Earth as possible. My second consideration is to steer clear of that fat pig K'Plett. I find it more than a little implausible that he'd be ending his columns and leaving Earth at the same time I am. Coincidence? I don't think so...

Anyways, fresh with the glow of the soon-to-be-released, let me tell you all that it has been a pleasure to answer your questions. And when I say "pleasure," I mean that I preferred giving out advice in a column far more than working in the prison kitchen. I appreciate the opportunity to teach some of you how to spell and punctuate your sentences, and I appreciate that each letter I read reinforced my notion that I am a truly superior being. Thank you for proving me great.

I shall now answer your tiresome and annoying questions for one last time.

Hi Pelgar,
We will miss you and the letters you write to yourself!
Anne

Dear Hew-Mon,
You seem to be caught in some kind of reality paradox. If I wrote the letters to myself, then what's your letter doing in this column?

I liked FREAK OF THE WEEK
I liked ice cream
until it melted
help me

im melted
"Lets do the time warp again!"
ungabungabingabingabingabangabunga

Dear Hew-Mon,
Ah, how shall I miss the charm of the Freaks that write in? Shall I miss the charm of the Freaks? Hmmm, let me get back to you on that.

Pelgar,
Have you thought about where you'll go after you get paroled? I have a spare bedroom, that I can give you a great deal on without a lease agreement if you'd like in Las Vegas. What do you think? There's lots of profit in Las Vegas.
Matthew- The Wannabe Ferengi who can't spell

Dear Hew-Mon,
What kind of fool do you take me for? No lease agreement to protect my rights? I think not! Take it from me, Hew-Mons, the worst possible thing you could do is to get involved in agreements without proper paperwork. Trust, or the lack of trust, is the foundation of almost all business. If you don't have it in writing... you don't have it.

Dear Pelgar,
Every day I check to see if you have sent out your latest column yet. Alas! I shall only be able to ask your immense lobes for knowledge once more in my puny, Vulcan lifespan. Enough with that nonsense... As you are doubtlessly aware, New Year's Day is just around the corner. Could you give suggestions on what would be good Resolutions for us to make?
Good luck on your parole and Happy Holidays,
Captain T'Pran
USS Columbia-A

Dear Hew-Mon (or Hew-Mon who thinks he's a Vulcan),
One of the great things about New Year's resolutions is that at any given time, somewhere in the universe, a planet is celebrating another rotation around its sun, so if you make New Year's resolutions that you can't or don't want to live up to, you can simply make another one! But in your case, I would recommend resolving to insure against future disasters and hard times, because based on what I've seen of your planet, things are going to get a lot worse before they get better, so make some backup plans for yourself and your loved ones for the dark times ahead. That's me, always cheery.

Pelgar
You can't do this.
Who better then you
They might give us another Klingon
Or worse,
A Vulcan
You are the cream filling
No one can replace you.

The 5th Flying Monkee

Dear Hew-Mon,
Yes, I am indeed the cream filling. But fear not, someone else might take my place. Or they might not. Not my problem. But seriously, if you're looking for advice on any topic, the key is to get as many different opinions from people you trust, then make your decisions based on a wide array of options.

Okay, my fiendish Ferengi friend, why would your "captors" wish to give you parole? Honestly, is it really that practical? They only jailed you for using the Rules of Acquisition in whatever business you were in. Are they hoping that your stay at the Federation prison has changed you? Haven't they figured out that if they set you free, you would just go back to using your immoral and illegal business practices? I'm sure they will come to their senses and see that you are far from being reformed and turned into an upstanding citizen of the United Federation of Planets. I hope you are well, and hope you are still in prison long enough to answer and critique this letter.

A concerned, and somewhat shocked Human

Dear Hew-Mon,
Ah, you forget that Starfleet prides itself on obeying its own system of laws and governing principles. If they were make an exception in my case and keep me locked up beyond my sentence, or deny me my right to parole hearings, they seem to feel it would diminish the rest of their laws. Whatever, it gets me out of here. And one small correction – I am NOT a Federation citizen! Please don't insult me.

To Pelgar
So you finally managed to win over your parole board? Well, I will miss reading your columns, but I wish you every success in your next venture, whatever that may be. May your latinum be always bright, always copious, and always YOURS.
Cheers,
Jean M.

PS. Stop by for some oo-mox on your way out, hm? :-)

Dear Hew-Mon,
My lobes quiver with anticipation. It's been a long, long time...

Pelgar,
Here is some advice for you when you get out of jail. If you want people to think you are cool then sometime if you are at the library take a paper bag and blow it up. Then when everyone least expects it, pop the bag! Then you scream, "I've been shot! Call the police!" I bet that would freak people out. Then when they saw that you were joking they would laugh and think, "Hey, he is cool for doing that."
Mr. Kool (But cool people call me D-Low)

Dear Hew-Mon,
Unless I have a hidden camera show, I don't see any profit in that.

Dear Pelgar,
I read somewhere that Ferenginar is a very wet planet where it rains almost every day. If that is so, the planet must also have a denser atmosphere than Earth. So why do Ferengis have such huge ears? On Earth, most creatures with large ears live in dry, desert environments, because large ears help release body heat and capture sound more efficiently in thinner, drier air. Also, how does the soil on Ferenginar absorb so much water?
Sincerely,
Aslan

Dear Hew-Mon,
Your petty jealousy of our gloriously ample lobes is disgustingly obvious. What am I, a scientist? How should I know the reasons we evolved this way. Perhaps it's due to the heavy rains which create a cacophony of raindrops and hailstones, forcing us to evolve large, undeniably sensual and attractive lobes in order to alert us to predators. As for our soil absorbing so much water... let me see... oh yes. Who cares?

Sorry you will be leaving, but I know you'll turn a profit.
Share the wealth!
a fan

Dear Hew-Mon,
I am always looking for investors. I don't share for free, who do you think you are, the Nagus?

Dear Pelgar,
Congrats on your parole meeting though it is a shame humans (or Hew-Mons as you like to call us) can no longer benefit from your immense knowledge. Your advice is always good and helpful and if people complain you manage to say just the right to (tick) them off. That is what I like about you, you do not care what others think about you. (Unless it is positive perhaps.)

I do have one question before you leave. Do you have a favorite Rule Of Acquisition? I like all of them so I cannot really choose but perhaps you do have a favorite? Well, good luck to you. It will be a shame no longer being able to read your columns. They were always good for a laugh.

Sincerely,
Ferry

Dear Hew-Mon,
The Rules of Acquisition are so brilliant and insightful that I have numerous favorites, and each day I find myself seeing new meaning in Rules I'd never given much thought to before. So it's hard to pick just one, but Number 44 is a good one for us all: "Never confuse wisdom with luck."

Dear Pelgar:
Just for you, I will mispel a word. Did you catch that? Now I wish you the best of luck in evading the Klingon columnist's pursuit, and I might bet on you except I don't think you have a chance. Sorry. Have a very fun, if short, life. Thanks for the *ahem* laffs.
One Who Enjoys Tormenting Pelgar With Insanely Long Signatures And Purposely Misspelled Words... And Will Miss Pelgar Very Much.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Ah, but you forget that the Klingon who is after me is old and fat. His dense core of undigested bacon makes it difficult for him to move, and his stubby, obese fingers no longer fit in a disrupter's trigger guard, so I am confident that even if he ever does catch up to me, I'll be able to evade him by moving quickly. Also, I will be keeping a small reserve of bacon in a pouch, so that if he shows up, I can throw it on the ground and as he waddles at the bacon, I can make a quick getaway.

Dear Pelgar,
The next time you go to the grocery store pick up a melon and have your friend bring a cap gun. Then he can shoot it, and when people hear the shot, drop the melon so that it busts on the ground and hide your head in your shirt. Then people will think someone shot your head off. I bet that would freak people out.
I am the master of coolness,
Your Best friend,
D-Low

Dear Hew-Mon,
Well, that's a step up from the paper bag trick you sent in earlier, but I still just don't see the profit in doing such a thing. In fact, I'd have to pay for the melon. But yes, that would freak people out. Hew-Mons seem to freak out very easily, in my opinion, perhaps because you're all freaks.

Dear Pelgar,
Good news on your parole. Here are my questions. How would you recount your Federation prison days? Any opportunities you're heading off to? (Not another
investment for yet another old lady I hope) Mind introducing me to the Grand Nagus Rom? (How much does that charge BTW)

Thank you very much. Wish you all the greed you can have.

Aspiring hew-mon trader

Dear Hew-Mon,
1. I have been recounting my days in prison by scratching long lines on the wall, one by one. I have no plan to clean them off when I leave, it's not like they have my damage deposit or anything. 2. I have several opportunities, but why should I tell anyone about them? You'd just steal my idea before I can get out of here! 3. I see through your smarmy plan now – You just want to use me to meet the Nagus! You butter me up with compliments and then as soon as you and Rom start hanging out, you'd stop calling, you'd stop dropping by, I'd start hearing about parties you're having that I'm not invited to, oh I know your kind. I think we need to break things off. Sorry, it was a great couple of minutes, but it just won't last. Hey, don't be like that. We're just not good for each other. Well, you're not good for me, and that's all that matters. It's not me. It's you.

Pelgar,
I just wanted to thank you for many years of great advice, and for getting the singing monkeys out of my head!
Best Regards,
Monkey Man

Dear Hew-Mon,
My pleasure, those singing monkeys should sell well on eBay, keep an eye out for them and witness your lost profit!

Greetings Pelgar,
I am considering joining my nation's armed forces. As someone whose opinion I greatly respect, I was wondering what you think of Military service? I would also like to express my happiness at learning you are soon to be freed from your Imprisonment and wish you every profitable success in the future.
Regards
One of your many fans.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Military service does have its share of potential opportunities, but as investments go, it's a bit riskier than the stock market. However, if you live in a third world dictatorship, the military is the way to go! Those guys rake in all the cash!

Pelgar,
Congratulations on your pending parole. Before you leave us I have one question. As a result of my previous marriage my credit rating was badly damaged, we even had to seek bankruptcy protection. Since my divorce I have mostly rebuilt my credit; I am able to buy new cars on credit when necessary and last year I even purchased a house... complete with a mortgage. The problem is the female I have been dating for the last two years. We have a good relationship and she gets along well with my daughter. At this stage of the game most everyone is waiting for me to marry her. Thing is, her credit is nearly as big a mess as mine was before the bankruptcy. She is paying off her bills slowly rather than seeking government protection from her creditors (all of which are reputable Federation-based companies so no concern of visits from angry Nausicaans or Orion Syndicate wise guys), which is a good thing except that her payments to them are not structured or consistent.

My question is: If I marry her would her credit problems affect my credit? Could her creditors obtain judgments to garnish my paychecks? What could I do, other than remain single, to protect myself? Thank you and good luck at your parole hearing.
Sir J'syn, Knight Of The (former)Thallonian Empire

Dear Hew-Mon,
Since your planet has many different nations and states, and because each of them have their own tax laws, I am not the person you should be asking. Take it from me, taxes are no laughing matter and certainly not something you should take advice from an online columnist about. Consult a professional in your region about the possible repercussions of marrying this deadbeat- I mean- lovely girl.

The bottom line, though, is this: if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this woman, you should be prepared to assume or at least help her with the debt, otherwise there will be a long shadow hanging over both of you. Get all the information you can and make a decision.

And that's it. You don't have Pelgar to kick around anymore! I'll think of you all often. If you ever hear a Ferengi laughing uncontrollably, it's because I'm thinking of you. My thanks to anyone and everyone who has ever written, since like I said above, it was either this or slave away in the prison kitchen or worse.

Farewell. Adieu. Send money.

Pelgar

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

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