Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Meandering Hew-Mons,

Every now and then I have to confess that you Hew-Mons have your clever moments. Someone wrote to me explaining how there's a "minimum wage" law in their country which guarantees a salary which would allow someone to at least barely get by. At first I was appalled by this disgusting affront to what I consider free enterprise, (the right to exploit employees is a cherished Ferengi value), but then I read on and discovered that there's an ingenious loophole to this "minimum wage" horrendousness.

People who wait tables can get paid less than this hideous minimum wage because they get "tips." Now, since the customer decides how much the tips will be, it gets pretty fuzzy when it comes to calculating the salary, so your leaders wisely chose to allow these types of employees to earn far below minimum wage.

These people spend their work days on their feet, carrying food on unwieldy trays, dealing with offensive Hew-Mons who complain about their food and send it back to the kitchen, and then after all that lowball the tip. It warms my Ferengi lobes to think about how much money the owners of bars and restaurants save on salaries for employees who work hard. There's hope for your species yet.

I shall now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.

Dear PELGAR,
Just as a random question, what is your favorite Rule of Acquisition? (# 33......simply superb!)
Bean Metcalf

Dear Hew-Mon,
Before I was forced to write this column and answer your questions, it was Rule #59 "Free Advice is Seldom Cheap," but my Starfleet captors have changed my perspective. They force me to dole out free advice, and in return I don't have to perform kitchen duty in the prison cafeteria. Hence, until I'm out of here, that Rule only makes me bitter and angry. Thus, my new favorite Rule is #10, "Greed is Eternal." During my long hours in prison it helps me keep my faith to think about that.

Hello.
I don't have a question nor anything much to say to you. I just felt like sending you a pointless e-mail. I'm kind of like that.
Sincerely,
Girl with way too much time on her hands

Dear Hew-Mon,
I've got something for you to do with your time.

Pelgar,
Did military rank structures change? A Major in the Marines outranks a Lieutenant in any branch of the services. Why does Lieutenant Reed give orders to the Major assigned to the Enterprise?
V M G

Dear Hew-Mon,
You're confusing your ranks. A series regular outranks a guest-star any day of the week.

Dear Pelgar,
I'm glad to see you did not partake in my flying experiment (Pelgar Column, 02.02.04); and lucky for me, I was in a holodeck (safety-protocols on, of course--I'm not an idiot) when I did. I now realize that I missed some minor, but rather obvious details.

However, this is not what I am writing you about. Instead, I am troubled over another issue: My leadership abilities. For example, last week I was given a cadet to shadow me throughout the course of the day. It was quite fun, yet educational, to say the least; unfortunately, it was very disturbing as well. You see, when I commanded the aspiring officer to leap with me from the top of a towering building to test my heavily criticized flight theories, he refused my direct orders. He proceeded to inform me why my ideas were "impossible." The incident pushed me over the edge; and I in turn pushed the insubordinate over the edge (literally).

So, I guess what I'm trying to get at is how can I gain the respect of my underlings and get them to the point where they will do anything I command, even if they themselves deem it impossible? I checked with my Captain: Phasers and use of force are not permitted. Sometimes I wonder why we even have phasers
and combat training.

Ensign Barton

Dear Hew-Mon,
Maybe the problem with your leadership skills stems from using three paragraphs to ask a one-sentence question. That and the fact that you sound completely insane. Just a guess.

Why?
Signed Me.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Why not?

Help
I have always purchased the videos and now DVDs of the all the series. My niece has stood on one of my enterprise boxes and crushed it. I cannot find another silver box anywhere, any ideas without having to buy another copy.
Thanks
Donna

Dear Hew-Mon,
You just need your niece to crush the DVDs, that way everything will match up.

Dear Pelgar,
We of the Q would like to state that the "Q" who recently contacted you asking for suggestions to alleviate his/her boredom was an impostor. If he/she was indeed an omniscient Q, why would he/she ask for advice? Even a simple carbon-based humanoid like yourself should find the answer simple. We apologize for any inconvenience this "hew-mon" may have caused.
-Q

Dear "Q,"
And how do I know YOU'RE not the imposter? Do you have your Q ID card on you? Didn't think so.

Hello
My name is Willie G, I wanted to know if it is possible for me to get a signed autographed picture of Marina Sirtis. She is so pretty and a great actress.
Thank You so much.
Please let me know if you receive this email.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Yes, it is possible to get what you want. But not from me. Oh, and yes, I received your email.

And now, my Freak-of-the-Week:

Dear Pelgar,
This is an Official Warning from Starfleet Command. We will be transporting you to Starbase 433 near the Klingon Border and from there to Qo'NoS where you are accused of stealing, bribing, cheatng, acting dishonorably and a whole lot of other stuff. K'Plett told me that you are in big trouble and Martok would probrably kill you. Oddly enough K'Plett is also due to visit the Klingon Homeworld in a couple of days. Probrably to witness your execution. By the way you could also chose to go to somewhere more pleasant like Romulus, Cardassia Prime or Solosos III you can choose one of those if you don't want to visit Klingons (the Cardassians and Romulans have similar charge agiants you so going there won't save you and as for Solosos III, Sisko fired a Quantum Topedo with Trilithium Resin or something that makes it hostile to humanoid life for 50 years and he fired it around 6 years ago) you must leave by the end of the week because we will be transporting you in a prson freighter, each with around 10 escorts. I have talked to an idiot called Quark as I returned from the Gamma Quardrant and he may beam you from Solosos III or Cardassia Prime, provided that you give him tons of latinum and a Starship with a bunch of renegades on board. He probrably won't sucseed because Cardassians would not like interruptions during their trials and we have orders to destroy any shp that tries to attack. Would you be willing to gamble? One more thing I have been chatting to Admiral Ross and hes talking of pardoning you if you die. you could also remain on Earth but we will transfer you into a Maximum Security Prison near Cairo where Egypt used to be. Of course we're not going to let you see the pyramids - the prison is in the middle of nowhere and is 100 km away from the nearest human settlement. YOu also need a shuttlecraft with special configurations to dock and don' even think of escaping, the prison's walls are 1 meter thick and there is a gigantic dampening feild with a diameter of 1 kilometer so escape and rescue are impossible. YOu also need a 30 digit code to enter and there will be some members of Section 31 preventing you from escaping (Oops, SEction 31 doesn't "exist")
With all due respect (none),
Fleet Admiral Tom "Half-Mad" D. Idiot,
Commander-in-cheif United Federation of Planets' 5th Fleet

Dear Freak,
I seem to have gotten a letter from a parallel universe where daydreams- I mean, stories are written with no eye towards spelling, punctuation, pace, structure or anything even remotely resembling entertainment. If you're under 13 years of age, good for you for trying and keep working at it. If you're not under 13, I am very, very afraid of you.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

Therefore, letters to Pelgar become the sole property of Paramount Pictures. By submitting your letter to Pelgar, you relinquish all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with your letter. Paramount Pictures reserves the right to edit and publish your letter to Pelgar at its sole discretion. You should note that Pelgar and Paramount Pictures do not accept unsolicited submissions for things such as story ideas, scripts and treatments and ask that you adhere to this policy. For further explanation about how your letter will be treated (including any unsolicited submissions for things such as script ideas), please consult the Submissions Policy described in our Terms of Use.

The above disclaimer is necessary due to the fact that Pelgar, given the opportunity, will steal and exploit your ideas and submissions.