Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Cylindrical Hew-Mons, A number of you have written asking my opinion of an entertainment entitled "The Apprentice," asking my opinion of the business skills of the contestants and of the show's overlord, a man named "Trump."

I observed this show with interest, as any opportunity you Hew-Mons have to improve your business skills should be jumped on, but I was surprised at how sickeningly honest all of the contestants were. The only blatant liar on the show, the self-absorbed and possibly insane Omarosa, only told lies to cover laziness! For example, every morning the phone would ring and one contestant would pick it up for instructions, then be stupid enough to relay those instructions to their fellow competitors! I would have told everyone else "We need to be at Battery Park at 9:00," and then be the only person to show up at Trump's office on time.

I feel that the lessons of the show came more from learning how people interact, and how the natural inclination towards a pecking order dictates people's behavior. As for this Hew-Mon named Trump, I applaud the fact that for all his wealth, he does not waste a penny on a hairdresser.

You're all fired.

I shall now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.

My dearest of dear Ferengi of friends,
Sometimes, when I see a little kid with a lollipop, I think to myself, "heh-heh, I think that I'll push the kid over, steal his lollipop, and watch him cry!" Is this wrong? Should I not be thinking these things? Where is North Dakota?
A Worried Friend

Dear Hew-Mon,
You need to start thinking big picture. While I understand the profit in getting a lollipop for the mere effort of pushing a kid over, I see no profit in enjoying watching him cry. Ultimately, this is the kind of action will curtail your profitability. If anyone sees you pushing the kid over, you'll get into trouble and at the very least you'd have to replace the lollipop, putting you in the red. Plus, you'd make a life-long enemy of this kid, who might some day be in a position to hire large men to find you and forcefully demonstrate the error of your ways. All over a lollipop.

As for North Dakota, who cares?

Hey, Ferengi!
Firstm I would like to announce that Ferengi are all of these, First, ugly, second, dumb, and third, the UGLIEST EARS IN THE UNIVERSE! Okay, now I would like to ask you something, do you dumb ferengi get zits? If you do, then that would make you even worse! HA! I hope that you do get zits! Okay, excuse my hatefulness.
A Ferengi Hater

Dear Hew-Mon,
I sense that you're not so stupid as to think that "first" is spelled with an "m" at the end of it, I suspect you typed your letter quickly and intended to use a comma there, which highlights the fact that you're impulsive and don't stop to read what you've written before you send it. This will lead to all kinds of problems in life, as anyone you correspond with will sense your type-first-ask-questions-later attitude, and you'll end up getting passed over for opportunities left and right, and will ultimately end up on a career path that includes trying to get people to buy fries with their burgers.

As for your hateful, insulting anti-Ferengi thinking, I can tell that beneath your sneering exterior is a hurt, sad little being just crying out for help. Your lobe-envy sticks out like a sore thumb, and I can't blame a tiny-lobed Hew-Mon for being jealous of my magnificent lobes. This doesn't mean I forgive you, and at some point in the future when you're audited and your assets are frozen, you'll look back on this with regret.

Dear Pelgar,
For a while, I haven't read your column. However, I just got around to reading it and it struck me that the e-mails you have been getting are ludicrous. It seems that your entire participatory audience is obsessed with achieving Freak-of-the-Week status and will stop at nothing to achieve these ends. Therefore, your "advice" column is no longer that, but rather a gallery of incoherent rants. In fact, because of all these horribly written e-mails, the Freak-of-the-Week would probably be someone who actually has a real question since they are the heretic who does not conform to the whimsical rants of the others. Because of this, I am sorry to say, I must stop reading your column and move on to something worth reading.
Signed,
Kyle

Dear Hew-Mon,
Then you're not reading my response, but I could care less. You're right, it seems lately most of my letters are frenetic jockeying for the coveted Freak-of-the-Week status. But I enjoy seeing Hew-Mons submit to me with their silly little e-mails, it's like having an entire planet of trained monkeys trying to entertain me. Keep those cards and letters coming, my little monkeys!

Pelgar,
Do people ever confuse you with Abby from the Dear Abby columns?
Timothius

Dear Hew-Mon,
Indeed, I am told she has the lobes of a Ferengi, yet for some reason covers her baldness with wigs. Strange.

Hey Ferengi scum,
We's a gonna take you's and break you knee caps if ya dont send tha money for "insurance" if ya know what I mean. This is your last shot Ferengi, send tha money or tha boss will have to have a word with ya if you know what I mean.
Gweedo Dubenski
Second in Charge of the Chicago "Insurance" Agency

Dear Hew-Mon,
Ah, I see I need to employ negotiation. A Nausicaan mediator who owes me a favor will be paying you a visit soon, feel free to share your feelings with him. I have given him strict instructions to leave your check-signing hand intact, so I thank you for your generosity in advance.

Dear all-mighty big lobed Pelgar,
Make more jokes about Pakleds, because they make things go. Oh by the way whats with those guys who talk in metaphors?
May your latinum flourish!
Hew-Mon who thinks you are all superior and shouldn't be in Federation prison.

Dear Hew-Mon,
I enjoyed the Pakled jokes immensely and welcome any further submissions. If I get tired of the prancing little simians desperate to be noticed by me for Freak-of-the-Week selection, perhaps I'll replace that with a Pakled-Joke-of-the-Week or, in the interest of being a fair and equal-opportunity columnist, a Non-Ferengi-Joke-of-the-Week where all races except mine are the objects of ridicule.

As for those metaphor-talking Tamarians (or "Children of Tama," snicker, snicker), every now and then I get a completely incomprehensible letter from one of them. "The adding machine of Kova. Darkness with a receipt?" At first I thought it was a letter from a Freak-wannabe, but then figured it out. I'd answer their letters, but I think banging my head against a wall would be easier.

Dear Pelgar,
Why is it that you Ferengi are super short? Do you not get enough calcium?
Lt. Commander Cline

Dear Hew-Mon,
Actually, Ferengis are the optimum height; it's just that most other races are calcium junkies, consuming copious amounts of the stuff to "get tall." So while all you other races waste your formative years hanging out in back alleys "getting tall," we Ferengi are making money so that we can own you.

Hey Pelgar!
If someone said they would give you an infinite supply on latinum, what would you do for them? Give a few examples please! Just so you know, I'm rather rich...
A Curious Rich Girl

Dear Curious Rich Girl,
For you, I would show you the infinite pleasures that come from giving your money to a Ferengi Columnist. Rather than the boring life you now lead trying to spend your money, you could find ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction in watching me spend your money, and I could also teach you, for an extra fee, how to administer oo-mox correctly. Call me.

Dear Pelgar,
I got fired from a job recently for a stupid reason, and really didn't deserve to be canned. The management, in their haste to shove me out the door, forgot to have me turn in the master key. Now not only am I ticked off, but I have an all access key to the facilities, as well as a detailed knowledge of all their security systems, employees, schedules, and locations of the best loot. I'm normally a pretty honest hew-mon, and a good employee, but I want them to feel what it's like to get shafted. Those stuck-up, game-playing, rich, half-deaf/blind/senile old retired people really have it coming in my opinion. THOSE P'TAKS MUST PAY!!!! Then again, I should probably just give the key back. What advice can you offer me?
Your (lightly-breaded) friend,
Cap'n Morgan

Dear Hew-Mon,
While revenge can give you a warm, happy feeling, it turns cold if you get caught doing it. Although I was incarcerated simply for trying to share investment opportunities with Hew-Mon senior citizens (and I take offense that these opportunities were shams, all investment is risky, come on!), I can attest to how terrible punishment is. While Starfleet's prisons are cleaner and more civilized than most, they make me answer your letters. Do what you will, but a word to the wise — you seem to have an awareness of right and wrong, and those folks almost always get caught.

And finally, the Freak-of-the-Week

Pelgar,
To send an e-mail to you, it says to "Submit To Pelgar". The question I have is, Why do I have to SUBMIT to you? Since you are currently in prison, you obviously have no power to affect my world, and no authority over me.(Except to accept my letter, of course.) If there is a worthwhile explanation as to "WHY"(or if there's a decent profit) I might consider submitting to you. Otherwise, I'll remain stubbornly independent, thank you. Unbowed Iowan

Dear Hew-Mon,
Thank you for submitting to me. Freak.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

Therefore, letters to Pelgar become the sole property of Paramount Pictures. By submitting your letter to Pelgar, you relinquish all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with your letter. Paramount Pictures reserves the right to edit and publish your letter to Pelgar at its sole discretion. You should note that Pelgar and Paramount Pictures do not accept unsolicited submissions for things such as story ideas, scripts and treatments and ask that you adhere to this policy. For further explanation about how your letter will be treated (including any unsolicited submissions for things such as script ideas), please consult the Submissions Policy described in our Terms of Use.

The above disclaimer is necessary due to the fact that Pelgar, given the opportunity, will steal and exploit your ideas and submissions.