K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Salutations, Humans!

I have long been quite outspoken in my mistrust of Romulans, but will concede that, like all races in the galaxy, they are not all devious, it is simply a leaning that centuries of dishonorable leaders and a culture of deceit has generated. I received a letter from what appears to be a fine Romulan officer who is interested in Klingon culture, and I thought it would make good reading for you all.

Honorable K'Plett,
I am the Commander of a Romulan Warbird somewhere near the Federation
border. Having read the literature of many cultures, I find Klingon poetry
and Klingon opera particularly fascinating. I am neither a good poet in
English nor a good translator from Klingon into English, but I believe that
between the character of the original material and that of my own skills, I
can submit some truly illustrative poetry for your readers' perusal. Thus I
begin...

TRANSLATIONS FROM THE KLINGON (I)
by D_deridex

A. Love Poems

1. We join noisily like piston and cylinder
in an ancient, untuned internal-combustion engine.
Alas, my dear par'machai,
I think you need a lube job.

2. Look at that beautiful necklace
sold by the Ferengi merchant.
Get it for me at a fair price,
or I will shove his head up your nether regions.

3. Your new par'machai does not make me jealous.
My concern is only for what pleases you.
Just tell me if he mistreats you.
He will not live long enough to boast about it.

B. War Poems

1. What could be more glorious
than driving a hated species
to the brink of extinction?
If only they didn't screech so much
when our warriors draw near.

[The above probably refers to the Great Tribble Hunt.]

2. Compared to our noble people,
Humans are weak and cautious.
Why then do they so often defeat us?

[The above is written in a traditional lament meter.]

3. The warrior sharpens his blade relentlessly.
When testing the edge, he cuts himself and dies of infection.
Too bad he was absent from all his first-aid classes in basic training.

C. Drinking Poems

1. One says bloodwine is best.
Another asserts the grandeur of warnog.
As crockery breaks and violet blood spills,
I calmly sip my ractigino.

I am working on many more such translations and hope to publish them via the
UFP Cultural Exchange Bureau.

In the Praetor's service,
D_deridex
Cmdr., Heritage (as our ship's name translates into English)

While there are some purists who would take issue with the meter of many of these poems, I am impressed by the effort taken, and salute you. I would hope that in time, you could bring more Klingon culture to your fellow Romulans in hopes to bring our peoples away from the brink of a conflict which would see your Empire in shambles.

But enough of this. I shall now confront your questions.

Dear K'Plett,
This is a letter that is similar to the one T'Prinii wrote, but I am 13 years old and not a Vulcan. When I read the letter I thought that was the answer, but then the people I know are much worse when they see me they will also call me a "Trekkie" and laugh, the worse thing is they do this in class, and the teacher knows and the whole school knows and this happens every day, I hope you can also give some good advice to me, please?
-?

Dear -?,
I find it odd that you are named after punctuation, but many human names confuse me. Your problem is not unique, but the answer is often the same. You face a choice – to be the person you wish to be or to succumb to peer pressure and change what you are in order to avoid personal humiliation at the hands of P'toks with nothing better to do than inflict pain and misery.

A sad fact about many people of all races is that their own personal insecurity forces them to seek out those around them who stand out as different (and are usually susceptible to intimidation; you rarely see people make fun of those larger than them), and once they've identified their targets, to try to gain status amongst their friends by ridiculing others. "If I make get everyone to make fun of Person A, no one will make fun of me."

Ultimately, you must choose to either be like everyone else or simply be yourself and not allow their taunts to affect you. This can be difficult, but as long as you are resolute and self-determined in your individuality, you shall prevail. Remember, these are people you must interact with not because you choose to, but because you are of schooling age. There will come a time in the not too distant future when you choose your workplace and your friends, and these people will be old memories by then.

Hello most honorable K'Plett,
I have a problem, and I feel I need help!! I have been accused of a crime I did not commit!! Although I will receive no punishment, no one believes that I am innocent!! As a Klingon warrior, I feel that my honor is at stake!! Please help me!!!
I.M. Framed

Dear I.M. Framed,
Since you will not be punished, I have to assume the infraction you are accused of is minor, and I have to assume there is no way of proving yourself. There are times when you must simply move on from am event, as unfair as it might be. Life can have its moments of unfathomable unfairness, and while it is unfortunate, do not let it change who you are. Maintain your honorable behavior and consider the matter closed.

Honorable K'Plett:
I am a philosopher of sorts. I collect proverbs from many different civilizations. I was wondering if there were any Klingon proverbs you would be willing to share with us humans. After all, is not the pursuit of wisdom one of many ways of achieving honor?
Honorably yours,
Lt. Neil N., USS Ragnarok

Dear Lt. Neil N.,
"Only a fool fights in a burning house" is one of my favorites, for it can be interpreted literally (if you are in a house on fire, getting out supersedes most conflicts) and it can also be interpreted in a broader sense. There is no honor to be won by winning a small battle while the greater good is lost.

Your letter makes me curious about the proverbs of other cultures as well, and I would welcome reading, printing and commenting on any that any of you out there would like to send in.

K'Plett,
I need some advice, where am I gonna score some money for the next gen dvd's, why are they so expensive!? I cant afford that for some tv shows, advise me to as when the price will drop please
hehe

Dear hehe,
If you cannot afford something, I would suggest renting them or earning and saving money over time. It would be nice if everything came easily, and yes, it's unfair that some can afford whatever they want instantly, but items gained through long, hard work take on a special value that those with infinite resources don't comprehend. Otherwise, I have no idea about price structuring, why don't you ask the Ferengi?

Dear K'Plett,
I was watching Enterprise last night and it was the episode where they sent the 8-day-old Tucker out the torpedo hatch in a "Star Trek Casket". And I told my wife that's what I want to be buried in. I know this is morose, but it would be a money maker if someone isn't already selling them. Do you know if anyone sells Star Trek Caskets?
Jeff

Dear Jeff,
I am not sure, but it would be a good product. From what I understand, people are dying to have them! Do you understand my humor? Dying to have them? I am making a joke, you see, because a casket is for dead people, and I have made a human pun by using the word "dying" in its slang form which I am told means someone really wants something. Yes, along with my warrior wisdom and my heavy-object-carrying skills, I have a sense of humor.

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]