Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Semi-Conscious Hew-Mons,

My regular readers who pay attention all know by now that because of the high volume of garbage mail I receive, I only pay attention to e-mails with the subject line "ATTN PELGAR." This is what comes up if you click on the link below and just leave it alone. Some of you like to think you're soooooo* clever and come up with "funny" subject lines like "Hey, big eared freak" or "To that dimwit Pelgar" or "Your momma wears clothes" or whatever your tiny brains can puke up, but I don't open those.

One of my readers suggested that, as a Ferengi, I actually have a fair amount of capitalistic wisdom to impart, so this Hew-Mon suggested I critique some of the SPAM e-mails I receive. Please note that I have edited some of these messages down and have omitted links and addresses for legal purposes. Read on, irritating readers, and learn.

* Yes, I know, that's not how you spell "so"; I wrote it that way to emphasize my disgust.

I will now answer some tiresome and annoying SPAM.

DEAR MR. PELGAR

Help me, my family on Bajor has a huge fortune they need help transporting to Betazed, if you deposit fifty bars of latinum to COVER SHIPMENT COSTS, you'll get 500,000 later. PLEASE CONTACT ME BY REPLYING TO THIS MESSAGE AND I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONFIDENTIAL NATURE OF THIS CORRESPONDENCE.

MANY THANKS

JUTURR

Dear "Bajoran,"

First of all, look at your keyboard. Look to the far left, just above the "Shift" key. That's the "Caps Lock" key, and you need to learn its function. Like how to turn it off. Otherwise, it just seems like YOU'RE SHOUTING YOUR FOOL HEAD OFF! Next, this scam is so old even most Hew-Mons don't fall for it anymore, and the ones that do are so stupid you may as well just send them an e-mail that says "Hey, send me some money, I want to sniff it, I promise to send it right back."

HEY THERE pellgar ,

How would you like LARGER LOBES? Have you dreamed of pleasing your lover with LARGER LOBES but have been afraid of surgery? Afraid to take some sort of genetically engineered LOBE ENLARGER? Then our all-new, completely natural dietary supplement LOBAL DOMINATION is for you! It's safe, inexpensive and easy to use, simply apply a liberal dose of LOBAL DOMINATION onto your puny lobes and within no time you'll feel the difference!

Okay, so that letter goes on and on for a while, I got sick of the repetition and the infrequent use of that accursed "Caps Lock" key throughout, so I just printed an excerpt. Now, in terms of effectiveness, there's a lot to like here (I mean, come on, most people want larger lobes unless they're gifted with mondo lobes like me), but ultimately this is a failure as a prospective profit tool. First of all, if you're going to try to address someone by name, you really should get it right, and capitalize it correctly. Secondly, anyone who wouldn't consult a physician when it comes to something as important as their lobes is someone whose check probably won't clear. Next, the use of the phrase "within no time." What does that mean?! That's like saying something is "less than zero"; it's impossible! And again, did I mention that I would never need any kind of lobe enhancement whatsoever because my lobes are large and in charge?

Dear Sir or Madam,

How would you like to save money on printer cartridges! Here at Jojo's Printer Cartridge Heaven, we have printer cartridges to fit every printer, lifestyle and budget! Over seven miles of printer cartridges in our climate-controlled, Paramus, NJ warehouse, the biggest selection of printer cartridges on the Eastern Seaboard! You can save 20%, 30%, and even 40% on your printer cartridge needs by shopping with us! If you're in the New Jersey area, come visit our warehouse and have a foot-long hot dog on us! Saturdays from noon to 5:00 PM, bring the kids and they'll be entertained by Flemmy, the Printer Cartridge Clown! Overnight shipping on orders over $100 is free!

Dear Jojo's Printer Cartridge Heaven,

You know, there are punctuation marks other than the exclamation point. And hey, if I lived in New Jersey and needed printer cartridges, I might be tempted to drop by, but I don't. See, printer cartridges are things that only the most organized and uh, retentive people buy ahead of time. Most folks just get them when the one they have runs out. And like most beings in the galaxy, clowns frighten and disturb me.

PELGAR, someone wants to date you!

Hey, PELGAR, there's someone at [Withheld for legal reasons].com who wants to meet you! Log on and register today and see who it is! Is it someone you work with? Is it someone from your church? Is it an old classmate? Logging on and registering at [Withheld for legal reasons].com is only $9.99 for the first trial month, then $19.99 a month after that. Log on today, there's someone waiting for you now! Don't let him/her slip away, PELGAR!

Alex R.

[Withheld for legal reasons].com

Okay, "Alex R." from [Withheld for legal reasons].com,

While this scheme adheres to some of the highest precepts of parting fools from their money (loneliness will make people open their wallets almost as quickly as greed), the sheer idiocy of your approach is staggering. How transparent can you be? Again, poor "Caps Lock" management, which demonstrates to anyone with half a brain that you're just using some lame program to insert a user's name in at random points to make it appear personalized. Also, you make assumptions about your target that in most cases won't be correct. I don't work with anyone, I'm in prison. I don't go to church, I'm in prison. I don't have any old classmates, I'm a Ferengi. Next, take a look at your stunted business plan — if someone is indeed "waiting to meet me," why on Ferenginar would I pay twice as much as I started with to continue your service? Assuming I believed your pitch, I'd want to see who that person is and then be done with you.

Talking Politician Dolls!

Our leaders sure do talk a lot! Whether you're a Democrat or Republican, you can have hours of laughs and fun with one of our Talking Dolls! We have all kinds in stock! George W. Bush! Hillary Rodham Clinton! Donald Rumsfeld! Al Gore! John Ashcroft! Howard Dean! All of your favorites are in stock!

You have received this offer because you at one time agreed to receive marketing information from one of our promotional partners. To unsubscribe from this list simply reply to this e-mail with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject box.

Let me begin my reply with a little tip — any time someone says that if you don't want this kind of mail to reply with "unsubscribe," don't believe it. Thousands of these e-mails get sent to any address they can get their hands on, most of them going to dead addresses. If someone responds, that tells them a live Hew-Mon is on the other end, and you'll end up getting more and more of these. Next, why would a Ferengi care about Hew-Mon political figures? Like I said before, clowns disturb and frighten me.

Finally, I have no freak of the week this time around, but I do have some advice I give as a pure public service, from the goodness of my heart – never trust any unsolicited sales e-mail. Unless it's from me. Trust no one. Unless it's me. Pelgar, a name you can trust.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

Therefore, letters to Pelgar become the sole property of Paramount Pictures. By submitting your letter to Pelgar, you relinquish all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with your letter. Paramount Pictures reserves the right to edit and publish your letter to Pelgar at its sole discretion. You should note that Pelgar and Paramount Pictures do not accept unsolicited submissions for things such as story ideas, scripts and treatments and ask that you adhere to this policy. For further explanation about how your letter will be treated (including any unsolicited submissions for things such as script ideas), please consult the Submissions Policy described in our Terms of Use.

The above disclaimer is necessary due to the fact that Pelgar, given the opportunity, will steal and exploit your ideas and submissions.