K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Salutations Humans!I am deep in training for an upcoming Human holiday celebrated in the northern hemisphere on the American continent. This holiday is called "Thanksgiving," and from what I am told, involves the marathon consumption of food and viewing of the Human sport "football." I have been challenged by several Humans to a session of serious eating. While the dishes they have described do not include bacon, I have been told that ham and other pork items will be available. I accept this challenge with the heart and stomach of a warrior. I will apprise you of how I do after this "Thanksgiving" has past.

But enough about me. I will now confront your questions.

Honourable K'Plett,
I recommend that you try the scent known as "sage". It comes from a plant and has a very robust yet pleasant odor, and it is often available in natural oil forms which should not overpower the senses. You may wear sage oil on any part of the body you wish, as far as I am aware. Another scent which will surely mask odors without smelling too artificial or effeminate is patchouli, but the scent is very strong and has the added detraction of being popular among the Grateful Dead fans set, therefore if you wear patchouli, as the scent precedes you into the room those within may believe that a hippie is approaching. So, maybe best to stick with sage. I hope this helps. Yours truly,
Arthur D., formerly of Earth

Dear Arthur D.,
Thank you for your sage wisdom.

Hello K'Plett,
I used to be a good simmer, but had to stop because I was abused by other simmers in sim groups, is this startrek sim group a true and save place and have real host in it as well? that don't play head games with the simmers?
Zelda

Dear Zelda,
I am confused. What do you mean by simmer? Are you speaking of bacon, ambrosia of all meats, simmering in a skillet? Is it a similar simmer? Of course, regardless of what you mean by "simmer," I can say that if you find yourself in an unpleasant situation with abusive individuals, you have two options rather than simply endure the torment – stand up and fight them or find a place unpolluted by their obnoxiousness. I have had warrior acquaintances simply did not understand how to interact with others and could not have that wisdom beaten into them, and rather than go through the tedious act of teaching them the same lessons, over and over, I simply transferred to another post, with more honorable warriors.

Honorable K'Plett,
While going through the archives of you column, I noticed that all the Starfleet personnel that have contributed to your column were all stationed on starships. I feel that the Starship Service, while very important, gets a little too much publicity sometimes. For example, we have all heard about Starfleet starships such as the USS Enterprise exploring the galaxy, but what about the logistics personnel who supported them? Many infamous criminals have been arrested by the commanding officer of one ship or another, but what about the courts that brought them to justice? While no doubt our comrades in the SS (Starship Service) had key roles in many of the advancements in the 24th century, we all too often forget the people that make it possible for them to operate.
Agent Mace
Starfleet Criminal Investigations Division

Dear Agent Mace,
You bring up a very good point. Warriors in the Klingon Empire receive glory for their accomplishments, yet without the support of countless anonymous Klingons, the warriors could not find their opponents, could not transport themselves to their opponents and could not even survive long enough to face their opponents. Warriors must eat, and the food has to come from somewhere. Warriors must have weapons, and those have to come from somewhere.

Quite often the unsung heroes who go unnoticed are the most vital resource and most crucial element in a victory. Without support, both of information and of supplies, no mission could ever be accomplished.

word up to your mother...
hahaha sorry k'plett couldn't resist that. ok now for my question. i keep p***ing off my girlfriend and i seem to enjoy this. she seems to enjoy the arguments too though... is there something wrong with us? also i like bacon too.

Dear Anonymous Human,
It is fortunate that the two of you share an enjoyment of conflict. Many beings have had trouble in relationships because their partner does or doesn't enjoy banter or teasing. As long as you and your girlfriend know where the line is and when it gets crossed, you can enjoy being playfully antagonistic with each other without risking your relationship. Stay in communication and you'll be fine.

Dear Most Honored K'Plett,
I am a human male of fourteen years, and I am a warrior at heart. My peers view me as a weak, "scholarly", and dim person. Not at all like a warror! I am stronger than I look, as well as an excellent runner, philosopher, and swordsman. They are provoking me to violent anger with their remarks, and I have a strong desire to get my bat'leth and slit their honorless throats(though I am able to keep this urge under control). Long have I suffered, and I find it necessary sometimes to rise up to a challenge and defend my honor. A few of my friends, whom I love and respect, show me no acknowlegment as the warrior that I am. I find it difficult to pursue romantic relationships, due to this problem. This sitiuation is maddening! What can I do to prove to the fools that I am a WARRIOR who should be treated with great respect and admiration? I cannot let this matter rest. I MUST defend my honor. Please help me, wise one.
QAPLAH!
Anoro, Son of Hagara, Son of Gash of the House of Hakaia

Dear Anoro,
Be aware of how much anger you feel. Anger is nothing that others make you feel, it's something you allow yourself to feel. The biggest opponent you will ever face in your life is yourself, staying in control of your own passions and directing them where they need to go. As a warrior it's important to channel your anger towards foes, but as a teenager you must remember that these p'taks that hassle you now are nothing. They'll be forgotten in years to come. Years from now when you are an adult and are making your way as a mature warrior, patience will serve you well.

If you wish to prove your worth as a warrior, you must control your emotions. Not to suppress them, like a Vulcan does, but to keep your mind on your goals and to be your own harshest critic.

Honorable K'Plett,
It seems to me that you could deal with our summer heat most easily simply by removing your heavy clothes. You're on EARTH now, and it's our 24th century. We haven't had people blowing up embassies for a couple of centuries at least (if you don't count the Changeling scare a while back). Surely you and your peers don't need to be armed for battle every hour of the day. You could try that, or a Roman toga, or a Hawaiian muu-muu. Sure, you may look like a marshmallow in any one of them given your girth, but who's going to challenge you on that? You're Klingon.
Respectfully,
Johanan R.
Federation Archivist, Memory Alpha

Dear Johanan R.,
I am a Klingon warrior, I cannot wear a muu-muu or a toga! I work for the Klingon Embassy, I would not dishonor the Ambassador by coming to work out of uniform.

Honorable K-Plett,
I have a dilemma. It might seem kind of, well, petty, but I would like to know how to handle it in an honorable manner. You see, it turns out that one of my friends seems to be quite attracted to me. I have told him that I don't have the same feelings as he does, but it hasn't worked. He's has always been kind to me, but he constantly compliments me. I guess that he compliments me so much that the words lose their value. I would rather not hurt his feelings any further than I have already by turning him down several times, but I feel that it is for his own good that he moves on. Thank you for reading-
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I commend your kindness and concern over your friend's feelings. However, if you've been very clear about your feelings and still haven't seemed to make any headway, you may have to be more blunt. If he is truly your friend and cares about your feelings, he should respect your wishes and cease with the inappropriate comments. I think if you tell him, as nicely as possible, that his remarks make you uncomfortable, he should get the point. If he still persists, then it's clear that he doesn't view you the way he thinks he does. If he would rather express his own feelings over and over again, despite the fact that you do not reciprocate, then he is clearly self-centered and is passive aggressively imposing his will upon you. Even if his remarks are all about you, the subtext is saying more about him, that HE feels that way. But give him a chance to understand that he is behaving inappropriately, and that such behavior may make it harder for him to succeed with females in the future.

Dear K'Put
As the Ferengi have their Rules of Acquisition, I thought it only fitting that the Klingons have their very own reference for honourable conduct. Currently having way too much time on my hands, I have amended the Ferengi version to suit the Klingon way of life.

Klingon Code of Honour
1.Once you have their pork, never give it back.
2.Never spend more on pork than you have to.
3.A woman wearing clothes is like a pig still in its skin.
4.Never allow an enemy to stand in the way of pork.
5.Small servings lead to large risk (for the chef)
6.Opportunity plus a batleth equals a smaller queue for pork.
7.Keep your batleth close, but keep your Bloodwine closer.
8.A pig is a pig (Until a fatter one comes along)
9.A Klingon without a grudge is no Klingon at all.
10.A quick death is never guaranteed
11.A wise Klingon can hear a grunt in the wind
12.Kill a Ferengi before trusting him
13.Maim your way to success
14.It never hurts to kill the boss
15.Enemies are temporary, a batleth is forever
16.She can sharpen your teeth, but never your??
17.A bloody corpse is its own reward
18.Never confuse a female with a man
19.A battle is a battle is a battle – but only with an enemy
20.A Klingon without honour is a Ferengi
21.Payback is guaranteed
22.Don't trust a species with sharper teeth than your own
23.Reward anyone who brings you pork, so they will continue to do so
24.Never apologise when you can kill
25.Dead enemies are as rare as live pork – treasure them
26.There is no substitute for death
27.Good pork is seldom cheap
28.Keep your kill rate consistent
29.The greater the enemy, the faster the feet
30.Win or Lose – there's always bloodwine
31.A sharp batleth will get you anything (almost)
32. Ferengi are responsible for the stupidity of the Ferengi
33.Never trust a Ferengi
34.Every once in a while, kill someone – It confuses the hell out of the humans
35.An ally is not an ally if he asks for your pork
36.Never let the pig know what your thinking
37.Females and blow jobs don't mix (teeth – nuff said)
38.Smell or die
39.For every enemy there's an equal and opposite enemy (except when they're all dead)
40.Enough pork is never enough
41.The only value in an enemy, is in how much you make them pay
42.Corpses decay, but the songs last forever
43.Battle can interfere with?..
44.Don't trust anyone with big ears
45.Honour and an empty glass is worth a dead barman
46.Never have sex with a pig – just eat it
47.There's always more wine (see 45)
48.Kill it
49.Kill everyone in conflict – so as you can gloat to both sides
50.Wives bitch – Brothers serve
51.There's nothing wrong with enemies, as long as they wind up dead
52.Bloodwine is thicker than water, and the Ferengi are thicker than both
53.Decapitation isn't what it used to be
54.Know your enemies – or die
55.Eat all, Kill most
56.Never threaten a Ferengi?.unless you want to mop up afterwards
57.It doesn't take a Klingon to kill a Klingon
58.Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a shower, is a bath
59.Enemies are the rungs on the ladder to glory?.don't hesitate to make them
60.Never begin a battle on an empty stomach
61.Glory lasts longer than death
62.There's a Ferengi born every minute – Kill them all!!
63.You can't buy fate, but you can buy pork
64.Never be afraid to make an enemy
65.An enemy is a luxury – a sharp blade, a necessity
66.Life's not fair, how else would you kill people
67.A wealthy Ferengi can afford anything?except nerve
68.When in doubt?Kill the Ferengi
69.Anything worth fighting for is worth exaggerating
70.Deep down, everyone's a Klingon
71.No good death ever goes unsung
72.Never say...."You are no match for me"

The unwritten code: - When no code applies – Kill them all
Yours,
BORED

Dear Bored,
Your list is very amusing, although many Klingons would take exception with much you have written. It is always interesting to see how other beings view us Klingons.

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]