K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Salutations Humans!

Today marks a Human holiday in which many of you alter your appearances and attempt to instill fear in each other or in order to procure candy. I am attending a function later which calls for a costume, and I have been helped by one of my Human acquaintances, who has supplied me with an extra large sheet so that I may role-play as a spirit in the afterlife. I inquired as to exactly whose spirit I was meant to represent, and was told that it doesn't matter whose ghost it is, I am "just a ghost," and I should "just go with it." Therefore, I am going with it.

While I am respectful of other planets and other traditions, I am curious as to why certain Humans believe that in the afterlife, one must wear a discarded bed sheet. What did the recently departed wear before your people invented beds? And how do ghosts tell each other apart? Instead of a Barge of the Dead (like we Klingons have), do you have a Barge of the Confused? I know I am confused.

But enough about me. I will now confront your questions.

Dear Most Honorable and Wise K'Plett.
I require you help, if you would give it to me. I am 1/2 klingon, 1/4 frengi, and 1/4 vulcan. I have cranial ridges, big lobes, and pointy ears. As my freakish appearence has frightened people, (and Starfleet Command) Starfleet Command has thrown me into jail next to the frengi Pelgar. He annoys me day and night with his questions he gets, and I am so about to take Starfleets offer, get an operation, and become just one race. Would this be honorable, and do you think I should be Vulcan, or Kilngon? Thank you for your time, Great K'Plett.
Signed,
J'Ennifer R.

Dear J'Ennifer,
While this surgical procedure you are considering might give you the appearance of one race, inside you are what you are, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you wish to save time and annoying conversations by altering your appearance, that's understandable, but if you wish to do this "operation" because you feel ashamed of your mixed heritage, I would say that your feelings go deeper than the skin, so you should address your self-identity issues first, learn to accept and be proud of who you are and then decide about any operations.

Dear K'Plett:
I am compiling a vegetarian restaurant guide for the quadrant. Just returned from Vulcan -- very yummy. Kronos is my next destination. Are there any specific vegetarian restaurants or dishes that you would recommend that I sample while I am there?
Zagat

Dear Zagat,
Qo'noS (you use the phonetic spelling) has very few vegetarian restaurants that are indigenous to the Klingon home world, but you can find several fine eateries established by offworlders such as yourself. I polled several colleagues and I've heard that A Little Taste of Vulcan is a paragon of spare eating, very clean and the service is impeccable. If you're adventurous and have a lot of time on your hands, you might also try a little Pakled establishment called Food is Here, but be prepared to repeat yourself a lot. Also, I've been told that a new product is available called I Can't Believe It's Not Targ, which is a meatless Targ substitute and can be uploaded to any replicator.

Dear Sir
Although born a human, I long to be Klingon. My son, who is two in a few days, is strong, tall, and smart, and bound to be a good warrior. My husband, though military, is not as good a warrior, and not as honourable. Particularly when it comes to fulfilling promises relating to garbage bag disposal.

How can I make myself a better warrior, and help my husband learn honour? Failing the second one...do you need a mate??
Unfortunately Human

Dear Unfortunately Human,
First, I have no need for a mate as I am currently in a delightful new relationship. Secondly, making yourself a better warrior is all about practice and being vigilant with yourself in terms of your behavior and how you approach challenges. Next, you must make your husband understand how you feel, and that you need more from him to be satisfied in your marriage. He will not know unless you tell him, and if he has a shred of honor, he will work to improve himself.

Dearest K'Plett
What do you think of Judge Judy?
Klingon Wannabe

Dear Klingon Wannabe,
Their first album was quite innovative, but since they signed their major contract, Judge Judy hasn't been the edgy band the press made them out to be.

K'Plett,
This is subcommander T'Roc of the Romulan Tal Shiar. You possess a Romulan-made disruptor rifle that was received from an unknown person. It is our belief that you murdered the owner of the rifle and took it. You have been convicted with murder. Arrangements are already underway to have you transferred to a Romulan penal colony.

Dear T'Roc,
This is preposterous! I have no such rifle and you have no jurisdiction in either the Federation or the Klingon Empire. And to reluctantly take a page from that pinheaded Ferengi Pelgar, you say I have been "convicted with murder," shouldn't that be "convicted OF murder?" You either have a very poorly working universal translator, or else you are not subcommander T'Roc of the Tal Shiar! In either case, I'm not terribly worried.

Dear K'Plett,
I'm having a problem. This is my first year of high School and I'm having the best time but all my friends seem to be getting a new boyfriend a week while I only had one which was very short. I feel left our and feel bad that no one likes me. I've tried to ask others out but they turn me down.
What should I do?
thanks
Engisn Tabor

Dear Ensign Tabor,
You are only in your first year of high school and your friends are getting a boyfriend a week? What kind of school is this? While I am no prude, when I was of comparable age to human teenagers, I would never have dreamed of such a rapid turnaround! Have patience and maintain your pursuit of excellence. If you achieve greatness in the areas of study and activity which you enjoy, you will attract others who share the same interests and will therefore be better partners. I understand that it's hard not to worry about what others think of you, especially at your current age, but in the long perspective, you will not know most of your fellow students when you become an independent adult, and what happens now won't matter.

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]