Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings, Stupidly Dressed Humans,

So last week was Hallo-freaking-Ween and it was that fat pig K'Plett's turn to have HIS column go up. Fine. I won't let that stop me. I had received a number of letters from people asking "What should I be for Halloween?" And while my responses come a week late, you now have a 357 days to prepare for next year, because I do have a few suggestions. How about you Hew-Mons really go out on a limb and be SMART for Halloween, what do you think of that? Or hey, here's an idea, why not put on several hundred pounds of blubber and go as K'Plett? Or go as Bajor and keep looking around the party and saying "Where's Cardassia, I feel like surrendering!" (and before all you Bajoran crybabies start sending me nasty letters, that was a JOKE, get over it, you didn't see Ferenginar get taken over by spoonheads)

I can, at least, respect you Hew-Mons for how you deal with your holidays – you all turn any occasion into a reason to make money, and I respect that. Halloween over and within nanoseconds, the Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years promotions begin.

I will now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.

Dear Pelgar,
I think cats are cool, do you?
I think dogs smell bad, do you?
I like to eat fried chicken, do you?
Signed, Admiral Fluffy

Dear Admiral Fluffy,
Yes, no, yes. And while your questions are pretty inane, I just had to answer, just so I could begin a response, "Dear Admiral Fluffy."

Dear Pelgar,
If you think that our questions are tiresome and annoying, why do you bother answering them?
Sincerely,
E. D.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Because it beats having to work the kitchen or scrub toilets.

Pelgar,
Do you like fast food? I personally hate that low quality, cheap tasting, grease covered food. I don't know how anyone likes it.
sincerely, Lt. Anticheep

Dear Hew-Mon,
Is that all you have to say? You don't know how anyone likes it? Is there some reason you want me and my readers to know YOU don't know how anyone likes fast food? What's your point? That you're better than people who like fast food? Give yourself a pat on the back, why don't you. It's all about you, isn't it? What else don't you understand, I'm sure there's plenty. Maybe you don't understand why Bajorans wear stupid jewelry and like surrendering to Cardassians. Maybe you don't understand how Vulcans can eat that watery, tasteless bilge water they call Plomeek Soup, would you care to let us all know about it? Don't waste my time with your opinions, you assume that I care. Next letter.

Darling Pelgar,
I am a Hew-Mon female with a terrible problem, there are no Trekker guys in my area, I have been having to turn down date after date because they laugh at my love of aliens. The few Trekkers there are I am to nervous to contact, even on annonymous com channels...HELP!
(PS Your lobes are gorgeous!)
Love
Lieut. Haleth of the starship "Petaluma"

Dear Hew-Mon,
Yes, my lobes are glorious and wondrous to behold. Behold my lobes and shudder in sadness that you cannot touch them! Ache silently and desperately that you shall never know the indescribable joy and rapture that are my lobes! Tremble with regret that your insecurity prevents you from even contacting someone anonymously!

I'd say everything you want is out there, you just have to be brave enough to go for it.

Dear Pelgar:
Do you think it is a good idea to steal from the poor to make your self rich? And after you have done that is it OK to steal from the rich to make you richer? Or should I just steal and use all the money to create a giant pyramid scheme to quadruple my earnings in a manner of weeks and operate it in an unclaimed area of space so the Federation won't slap the cuffs on me and keep me away from those Orion slave girls with incredible hands.
An Orion Pirate

Dear Hew-Mon,
I'm not going to get into a class-rights discussion with you. Despite what people may have told you, we Ferengi are all about equal opportunity. If you have the opportunity to take advantage of someone for profit, don't waste time worrying about if they're rich or poor! Discrimination is a terrible, terrible thing, I say look at everyone equally and rip them off accordingly.

That said, in the common sense department, how much can you steal from the poor? Really, think about it.

And finally, the Freak-of-the-Week:

dear ace face
WARNING:The killer about to call you is already inside your home. just thought id tell you. by the way how long would it take for a wooden phaser to be made out of titanium and blast some ass???????
Mr.Bigster

Dear Freakozoid,
First off, I don't have a phone, nor do I live in a home. Just thought I'd tell you. Next, what kind of language is that to use? Who do you think you are, Jonathan Archer? Finally, "Mr. Bigster," your unanswerable question about the phaser is what qualified you as a genuine Freak. A wooden phaser? How long to be made out of titanium? What? This folks, is an example of why your species can't have nice things.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

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