Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement.
The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the
Federation or Starfleet.
GreetingsTime-Consuming Hew-Mons,
I've gotten a couple of letters from baseball enthusiasts from places called "Chicago" and "Boston" who have recently had their hearts broken. Again. Seems there are curses that keep their favorite teams from succeeding, and my readers are wondering about how to successfully bet in situations like this. My advice, as with any sports wagering,is to study each team, calculate percentages and averages, take outside factors into account, such as weather and officiating and then remember, you're talking about the Cubs or the Red Sox, so the best you can hope for is to cover the spread.
I will now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.
Dear Pelgar:
How should I deal with a tiny troll man who watches me from afar anytime we're in the same room together, follows me around incessantly and lurks in the background until he finds an opportunity to talk to me, yet claims that he's "worked out the issues he has with me" and no longer feels any sort of attraction for me? As far as I'm concerned, he can take his unrequited love and stuff it up his **CENSORED**.
Puppies & Rainbows,
MRD
Dear Hew-Mon,
You're missing out on an incredible opportunity for profit here. Many Hew-Mon men are so completely ruled by their insecurities towards women, and anywhere there's insecurity, there's avenues for profit. Since you understandably don't want to spend time in the same space as this creepy monkey, invent some kind of contagious disease that he'll catch if he's anywhere within100 feet of you, but tell him you can't afford the "treatment" and need extra cash. When he runs out of money or if he starts to catch on, he'll be very hurt, at which point you publicly humiliate him so that he fully understands that for him, love is an illusion, love is a lie, love is a taunting demon which will rain heartbreak onto his soul and leave him a shattered excuse for a Hew-Mon.
Either that or just ignore him.
WHAZZUP!!
Is it just me, or do all Feringis stink? I met 1 on the Promenade yesterday and he smellled like a flattend mose ratt.
Flattend Mose Ratt
Dear Flattend Mose Ratt,
Of course Ferengi stink to you. Flattend Mose Ratts have the most highly developed olfactory senses in the galaxy, everyone stinks to you! Even your own kind stink to your keenly developed sniffers. That's why your entire race is on the verge of extinction, you're almost always overcome with the dreadful smell of everything and everybody. It sucks to be you.
Dear Pelgar,
The leaves are dying.
It's a good time for a song.
Fall is for acoustic. Dear Hew-Mon,
Where did you read that, on the back of a CD you'd find at a Starbucks?Some kindofAutumn Sampler? Gack. It is not a good time for a song. Fall is not for accoustic.Deal with it.
Pelgar,
The powers that be in Paramount could profit highly from releasing The Original Star Trek in a consolidated box set (like TNG). When will they have this available? Humans have money and are willing to spend it on TOS on DVD box sets!
Chris
Dear Hew-Mon,
While I may agree with your reasonable argument, I'm a Ferengi in prison, not a video store, not one of the "powers that be at Paramount." I'm sure if you wanted to, you could go to a Paramount Home Entertainment site and find email addresses to actual Hew-Mons who could address your concern, but instead you've chosen to write a Ferengi columnist, which will only results in a snarky response.
Dear Pelgar,
Are Ferengi Liquidators seen by their fellow Ferengi as the dregs of your society, or the perfect businessmen? Or are they seen as something else entirely?
V
Dear Hew-Mon,
Combine a tax auditor and a mob assassin and you're getting the picture. That's all I'll say, or else bad things will happen to me.
Dear Pelgar,
I've noticed both you and K'Bloat have printed letters from losers who say "I sent you a letter but you didn't print it!". Isn't this self-defeating? Eventually, won't people simply start claiming they wrote you a letter just to get printed?
- Sarang
Dear Hew-Mon,
Good point. When I did it, I checked and found that author's earlier letter, but it was long and boring, he was one of those guys that tells you all about his various collections of costumes and memorabilia, like that's going to impress me, then tells me that he has problems talking to girls. Just seemed easier to print his second email rather than go through the hassle of printing and answering his first email.
By the way, I like your nickname for that fat pig Klingon columnist. Few Hew-Mons make me laugh with them instead of at them, congratulations.
I reside in Phoenix, AZ, and attempts to learn when Enterprise will be broadcast here in HDTV are unsuccessful. Philidelphia begins broadcasting Enterprise in HDTV 10/15. Can you tell me when to expect it in Phoenix in HDTV?
Thanks,
R. Slatin
Dear Hew-Mon,
So, in Phoenix, AZ is it the custom not to open your letters with a greeting? Again, like I said above, I'm a Ferengi in jail, not your local edition of TV Guide. Try contacting your local affiliate, how am I supposed to know?
And finally, this week's Freak-of-the-Week:
Dear Pelgar,
I am SO *beepin* mad!!!! What I don't understand is how *beepin* people can just swear their little hearts out and never be ashamed of it. *BEEPERS* sheesh. * pokes finger in nose* I want YOU to say no to swering. *BEEP* i mean swearing. Have a *beep* of a day.* sticks finger in mouth and smiles*
*beepin* Bob
P.S notice howI convenientely covered up all the *beeping* language that was used
Dear Hew-Mon,
"Beeping?" What, like a car horn? It's "bleeping," you *bleep*ing moron. Any *bleep*ing idiot knows that. Stupid *bleep.*
If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives,
you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way
I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain
about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.
If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary
scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom,
then by all means SUBMIT
TO PELGAR.
[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]
As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for
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The above disclaimer is necessary due to the fact that Pelgar, given the opportunity,
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