Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients . . .

... and to all the rest of you out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together, guys! (Hat tip: Douglas Adams)

This was going to be a co-column with my son, Big Tony, but he's been detained at the Lego Engineering and Geoforming Organization. No worries — I'm going to bail him out, and we'll be together in the next column. Meanwhile, if you have any questions for Big Tony about advanced Lego engineering, personal spacecraft, or anything else, there's still time to get them in by clicking below.

There's been a lot of traffic here on the merits of war and peace and I hope your views have been aired. After all that, though, I think we should now explore strange new topics, and go where advice columnists haven't gone before. Personal finance, say.

I would also like to inaugurate a new feature. Please send me your jokes, and I will include the best in each column. To start the tribble rolling, here's one:

Genetic experiment #626, blue and six-legged, had a potentially fatal glitch.
Warily, he approached the former Drone, seeking help.
She took him in her embrace and lent him her nanoprobes, not for assimilation but for cure.
Or, as grandpa would have said, "a time in (Seven of) Nine saves Stitch."

Eh Carpone! How's it hangin'?

Anyways man don't worry about Cal's turn over the last 6 games -- your boys got
a good start, so they need to just ride on that. They just might make it all the way to the Americas Championships, where they will be soundly defeated by my Wilfrid Laurier Golden Hawks. Don't think a Canadian team can ever cut it? Well ever since American and Canadian football rules were standardized into one sport 100 years ago, there's been a progressive rise in the level of Canadian schools. You'll recall that two of our schools, the Laval Rouge et Or and my Hawks made it to the Americas Champs semis, and after putting up close fights against Boston College and Mexico City, they bowed out. But man I think this is the year for our schools to shine, for my school to go all the way. I know it, and I feel it.

M. Neverfield,
Waterloo, Ontario Region

MN,
Hangin' cold and deep, man!

You're correct about the increasing accomplishments of Canadian college ball. I remember one exhibition game between the University of Halifax Hoseheads and the Habana State Mojitos. The Hosers were doing great, when suddenly a sofa appeared on the 40-yard line. I distinctly heard the word "Belgium.? The Hosers' front four, a Nausicaan exchange student, threw the sofa into the stands on the way to a first down. A thrilling experience!

To the Honorable Mr. Carpone:
[For reasons of space, I have omitted the Commander's and Archivist's insightful and worthy musings preceding their translation of "IN PRAISE OF KLINGON MOTHERS.? No offense intended. – AC]

IN PRAISE OF KLINGON MOTHERS

Once there was a Klingon father;
once there was a Klingon mother.
The father's heart was strong;
the mother's heart was stronger.
Together they slew their gods
because their gods were a nuisance.
Together, they spawned our kindred
and armed our hands and hearts.
And you, their aged daughter,
before whom even Gre'thor might tremble,
I owe you at least half of what I am.
Thank you for supporting my father's discipline
even when it was harsh.
Thank you for standing your ground
against words and blades alike.
Thank you for tenderness without weakness.
Thank you for telling me
on the eve of my first battle:
"Return with your head on your shoulders
or else cradled in your arms."
Thank you for teaching me
that fear is no enemy
when its purpose is understood.

— attributed to Kahless the Unforgettable

Yours in hope of peace and unity by our cultures' mutual consent,
Cmdr. D_deridex, Romulan Star Empire
Johanan R., Federation Archivist, Memory Alpha, UFP

Gentlebeings,
Regarding that fine ballad, let me note that you have earned acclaim from Mrs. C for "the mother's heart was stronger.? She liked it so much she patted me on the back (my bruises have mostly healed.)

Carpone-San,
All me to plant the arrow of my eye on your latest haiku!
Lord Buntaro

Buntaro-San,
My great pleasure.

Rejoice in Cody
Our new golden retriever
Minerva wary

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Greetings! Over the Thanksgiving holidays (North America, Terra), I found the time to download and read the historical document PRIME DIRECTIVE. After reading it, I certainly understand why the episode never made it to the declassified files [the "canon"]. I'm willing to bet that even after the names of the "Enterprise Five" were cleared officially, some still blamed the Five (especially Captain Kirk) for the apparent violation of General Order One.

[For space reasons, a paragraph further analyzing politics and the historical document PRIME DIRECTIVE is omitted. Again, no offense intended. – AC]

Thanks for direction
To this old, prime document
(Pun most intended)

JR,
I think it's past time that you called me Al.

I'm very glad you enjoyed "Prime Directive.? Despite Great Bird criticism, it's one of my 3 or 4 favorite historical documents.

It seems clear to me that if the Prime Directive has already been violated, further incursion to repair the damage is not a violation, provided it is done in the least impactful manner possible. The history of my own world demonstrates this, and I believe the historical document "Prime Directive? sets forth an analogous situation.

N.B.: Love your haiku!

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

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