Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

First off, let me advise youse that the next column will be written jointly with my son, Big Tony. Big Tony is an expert on personal spacecraft as well as holosuite games, especially first person shooters. He also wrote the book on advanced Lego engineering. He and I look forward to answering any questions you might have about those subjects or any others. E-mail us now and avoid the rush!

It's a new school year here at Cal, which can mean only one thing: choking on the gridiron. Can you believe we started 4-0 this season, then lost 2 conference games in a row? To the University of Poseidon Whales? Man, ever since Stanford was acquired by Amazon Wal-Sears and had its few remaining academic buildings razed to expand the shopping mall, it seems like the fight has gone out of our team — no more glory days like the 2012 — 2034 string of Rose Bowl victories.

Dear Carpone,
I'm not a regular reader of the columns here on StarTrek.com but I used to be when I was younger and had more time on my hands before you came along. I regularly read the columns of Pelgar and soon after, K'Plett joined the column list and without going into a long story, suffice to say, I quit reading all the columns at this site. I've returned to get an update on the site and found your column here and would like to say welcome, it's nice to see a new face added to the list of columnists and would like to get to know you better the way I got to know Pelgar and K'Plett.

I'm writting in response to your response to Commander Carl J. Monson letter posted on 9.30.2005. It's very thoughtful and am glad you understand the necessities of war. Almost a year ago, I chose to be seperated from the Air Force early to take care of my newborn baby girl and have the ability to spend more time with my husband in the Marines. He's just recently returned from serving in Iraq for 7 months and wasn't able to hold our daughter from 3 weeks of age until she was almost 8-months old. It's the first time any war has directly affected me emotionally. While he was out there, he and I had the support and gratitude of many people along the way and I'd just like to thank any military member of any branch of service in any country for their loyalty to their country and their duties as soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines. I especially want to thank those who aren't directly affiliated with the military for one reason or another for taking care of us and helping us even though you don't know us.

My sympathy goes out for those who've loved ones and friends are serving overseas in any war of any kind. Especially for those who know somebody who's been permanently injured or killed. My prayers go out to you all.

Sincerely,
SRA Miller
USAF (Inactive Reserves)

SRA Miller,
Thanks to you and your husband for your sacrifices on our behalf. Balancing family and country must be painful, but I think you made the right decision to be a full time mom to your baby. When your daughter is older, I hope you will be able to continue in service, if that is what you want.

To Carpone,
I have been a fan of Star Trek since Next Generation, and have stuck with it through the end of Enterprise. Throughout this, the shows have gotten more and more far left-wing liberal, culminating in episodes which were so obviously written by people who are too cowardly to even support freedom and democracy, no matter if it's in the Middle East or at home. I'm graduating from UNCC this semester, at the age of 21, with a B.A., majoring in Political Science and minoring in Philosophy, and will be enlisting in the U.S. Army right after graduation. Reading your column, especially you putting down that poor excuse for a man who admitted that he would not fight for anything, even a good cause (freedom?) was particularly pleasing. As for the obvious negative side effects of war on those who fight in it, well, thats just the price of freedom, even if it's not the freedom of America, but the freedom of Iraqi's or Afghani's. That is a worthy cause to suffer for. It's good to know that not all in the official Star Trek community are vitriolically anti-American military, and that there are some who have a love for this country and it's culture of freedom, individuality, and capitalism. Thanks.
EG Cooney

EG,
What a delightful literary mannerism, to write in the style of a historical document! Because I'm not as clever, I must respond as I am: a 24th Century grad student and advice columnist for Starfleet.

Taking "anti-American" to be "anti-Federation," I can assure you that everyone in our community works ceaselessly to promote freedom and individuality (I have previously expressed some doubts about the anti-capitalist leanings of the creators of our historical documents, so you may be on to something there.)

Taking "U.S. Army" to mean "Starfleet" my congratulations on your choice to serve. I believe you will find your time challenging and worthwhile.

To the Honorable Mr. Carpone,
Greetings again on behalf of the Romulan Star Empire!

As a career military officer, I was somewhat troubled by your response to Cmdr. Carl J. Monson of Starfleet Command. Granted that many non-Humans (some Romulans, most Klingons, all Jem'Hadar) would use his words to accuse Humanity of a cowardice it doesn't possess (I know, I've seen Humans fight), I've encountered such anguished states of mind even among Romulans (yes, even some command personnel). I believe that Cmdr. Monson is not "moronic" -- simply confused and hurt by a major paradox of the mortal condition.

We both know that there are things even worse than war; there are some causes worth fighting for. Where would our societies be today had we not fought the Dominion together? The paradox is that war, while a necessary evil, is an evil all the same. It harms both victor and vanquished; and it can destroy both the cause and those who fight for it. Capts. Archer and Kirk both learned that lesson firsthand. So then, is war worth the suffering it brings to the warrior? Not everyone can answer in the affirmative so easily as, say, K'plett (who, my crew agrees, should've started raising organic porcuswine sooner). That doesn't make such people moronic; perhaps they are really wiser than the rest of us.

My Terran contact on Memory Alpha once forwarded to me two speeches by Gen. Douglas MacArthur (20th Century Gregorian): the speech he gave on the deck of the U.S.S. Missouri, and the speech he gave in his own defense before the United States Congress. I recommend that you and all sentient beings review those speeches. If they are not part of Starfleet Academy's core curriculum, they should be. They are even more relevant in our meta-technological age than they were in MacArthur's day. While "in war there is no substitute for victory," whatever gods may be, "the problem [of peace] basically is theological ... it must be of the spirit if we are to save the flesh."

That said, I would like to submit to you my most ambitious translation of Klingon poetry to date. The original Klingon text is in a different poetic form and uses coarser language, but the Terran language and poetic form employed convey a fair echo of the original.

TRANSLATIONS FROM THE KLINGON (IV)
by D_deridex F

1. THE RISE AND FALL OF CAPTAIN KUFF

Revenge is a dish that is best served cold;
Now and again you've heard that told.
Whether you're young, middle-aged, or old,
No one escapes when Fate grows bold.

There once was a Klingon, Kuff by name;
Raping and pillaging were his game.
Honor and glory? For him, too tame;
Terror and suffering made his fame.

Kuff followed piracy where'er it led;
Pulled every pretty lass into his bed.
Shy about which? Never entered his head;
Klingon or not, soon they all were sped.

At Deep Space Nine, 'twas a lady so fair
That even a Jem'Hadar minion might stare.
Looked like a Human, and randy -- so there
Our old friend Kuff thought they'd make a good pair.

"Yes, I have heard of you, Captain Kuff!
Daring and vi-o-lent, handsome and tough.
No, I don't mind when a Klingon gets rough.
And yes, I agree, more is never enough."

They rented a room somewhere up on Deck Three;
The point of a blade made them get it for free.
At hours so late and at hours so wee,
Kahless himself never humped with more glee.

Then deep in the night, while our man was a-snooze,
That pretty girl quietly turned into ooze.
They found him next day ('twas all over the news),
His body sucked dry, like a bottle of booze.

Revenge is a dish that is best served cold;
Now and again you've heard that told.
Whether you're young, middle-aged, or old,
No one escapes when Fate grows bold.

Yours in the Praetor's service,
D_deridex F
Cmdr., Heritage II

Cmdr.,
Good to hear from you again.

I honor your service and do not wish to offend. But you ask if war is worth the suffering it brings to the warrior. The question, naturally, is which war? A war of aggression against the weak to gain control over their natural resources? Of course not, would say the natives of Manchukuo. But note that early 21st Century blue-state American and Fidelista Cubano opponents of post-Castro liberation described that conflict the same way. Yet Cuba quickly became the richest island in the Caribbean under free market democracy.

Each must make up his/her/hir/its own mind. What I objected to from Cmdr. Monson was the proposition that no war justified suffering to the soldier. That cannot be right, and it isn't.

On to the poetry! I love your most recent translation, but I believe a stanza or two to be missing. Either that, or I'm a bonehead. Shouldn't there be a setup where Kuff mistreats the shapeshifter in one guise (ugly) and receives his comeuppance in the end?

Here's mine:

Hot, cold, thunderstorms
Changes are interesting
Two-cat night for Woob.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Greetings! First, to ease your mind:

I surrender now
Mrs. C. sounds way too tough
I prefer to live

Second, my increasing responsibilities as a researcher are such that I haven't been able to access the document "Prime Directive." I've encountered it, however, and will try to download and read it at the earliest opportunity. I will inform you of my impressions of it.

Best wishes,
Johanan R.,
Federation Archivist, Memory Alpha

JR,
Mrs. C applauds your life-affirming decision (now my ears hurt).

Regarding "Prime Directive," remember what my grandpa used to say: "Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today — use a time machine."

Dear Mr.Carpone,
I am a representative of the Dominion and have been assigned as an ambassador to various sectors across varies territories. I have encountered two major issues. The first and foremost, being the fact at most of my postings I am surrounded by idiots. Half of the people I have to work with do not know the difference between a dilithium crystal and a bar of latnium. This makes it very difficult to have intelligent conversations without insulting them and starting a second war.

Secondly, I hate getting into arguments with people. So as my first problem states, I have a rather large issue. What should I do? My Vorta attaché informs me sending in the Jem'Hadar would be a wise idea, but something tells me that wouldn't go down too well. As for my fellow ambassadors who I have a good working relationship with, I do not wish to inform them of my feelings. Any advice would be helpful.
Yours,
Founder "Peter"
Dominion Ambassador

Amb.,
Hmm ... an ambassador with a superiority complex and confrontation issues. What an inspired choice!

You are patently unfit for a job of the importance and sensitivity of ambassador. Why, that's almost as big a deal as Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. You should withdraw immediately in favor of a more experienced choice — Constable Odo would be a good bet.

Carpone,
are the vulcans the pease loving brothers to the bloodthirsty romulans please clarify this.?????

Sir,
There are several historical documents that will give you the background here, including essays on this website.

In brief, you have grasped a nugget of truth, but only a nugget. Vulcans are capable of violence, both for rational and irrational reasons, and some Romulans are quite honorable (in any event, I would characterize the bad side of Romulans as sneaky — more likely to stab you in your tail or your antennae than have a bloody direct confrontation [that's more Klingon- or Andorian-like]).

G'Day,
I am an Australian university student and lately I have been giving a great deal of thought to the idea of going on exchange. I've been seriously considering shipping myself off to U.C. Berkeley; it has a great reputation and I've heard nothing but good about it (except for your comments about it being staid). However, the US scares me a little. I've travelled the UK on my lonesome and that was fine, but in the US you're allowed to keep firearms in your bedside tables, they fingerprint you all the time and there are Republicans that can't keep their political affiliations to themselves (Mr. Restored third-class neutronic fuel carrier President Condoleezza Rice Maru). All of which are a little frightening to me, especially the last one. So is it worth braving all that for Berkeley or should I go for somewhere in Scandinavia instead?

Regards,
Kate

Kate,
1. Going on Exchange: Good idea! You'll really learn about other cultures and acquire skills that will be marketable at home and abroad.

2. Cal. Good idea! As you probably know, U.C. Berkeley was ranked 4th among all Earth universities as long ago as the 21st Century. With the conversion of Stanford to a mall, it's now 3rd. The campus is physically beautiful and located in a nearly perfect climate zone. You can find the perfect croissant and agitate for the U.S. to leave North America in the same morning. Heaven!

3. U.S. Scares /U.K. OK. Here you go off the rails. I too have traveled in the U.K., and I loved it. But I did not feel any safer there. For one thing, we all, everywhere in the West, face the threat of random violence from terrorism, which has struck Aussies in Bali as well as Londoners, Madridites, Tel Avivians and New Yorkers.

4. Firearms. A great Terran philosopher wrote, "An armed society is a polite society." Besides, you overstate their public prevalence. Other than as carried by public safety officers, I do not recall seeing a firearm in person (not on vid or holo) other than at Boy Scout camp.

5. Fingerprints. Not all the time. I've been printed about six times in 43 years – bar exam, flyer license, that unfortunate customs incident with the Romulan Ale ... Besides, retina scans are much more common.

6. Republicans/Affiliations. Whatever do you mean? I no more know the political affiliation of the 21st Century American President Ms. Rice than I do that of Ferdinand Magellan, for whom another Starfleet fuel carrier is named. Get with the 24th Century, man!

7. Frightening/Especially the Last One. Frightened? Of me and my putative political opinions? Feh. You descend from the toughest, meanest criminal scum of the British Empire. I'm sure you can hold your own in debate. Or, if not, just throw your drink on anyone too obnoxious (be careful, though, not to unduly intoxicate a member of an osmotic race — a DonnyandMarie, say.)

I realize that with global warming, Scandinavia today has a wonderful warm Mediterranean climate. But do you really want to expose yourself to such a puritanical, ahedonistic culture, when you can have it all in the Bay Area?

Go Bears!

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

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