Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

You may recall that earlier in the summer, I mentioned that I was planning to take my father, a Dominion War vet, for a daytrip on the restored third-class neutronic fuel carrier President Condoleezza Rice Maru. My uncle, also a veteran, and Big Tony (my son) joined us last weekend.

Big Tony delighted in scoping out the on-board museums and guiding dad and my uncle through them. The mock dogfight was thrilling, and it's always good to get out in space. We had good views of the Avalon colony on Phobos during our flyby.

The most important thing, though, was the opportunity to talk with dad and learn more about his life. I never knew before that as a student, he was in the presence of the Nobel and Zee-Magnees Prizes-winning Dr. Richard Daystrom. He also saw the noted diplomat and politician Curzon Dax.

I'm glad we had the time together.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Greetings once again! Your wit is proving to be as sharp as that of Pelgar, and your warrior ethos almost Klingon in spirit. No wonder you and K'plett get along.

Pursuant to said wit concerning a proposed match on a firing range between your wife and myself (ahem, I was assuming we would be shooting at a target, not at each other!), here is a haiku:

Victory is life
Today's a good day to die
Either works for me

Or as a hot-headed Scottish friend used to put it, "When someone yells 'Karate!,' I yell 'Chair!'"
Best wishes to you and yours,
Johanan R.
Federation Archivist, Memory Alpha

(P.S.: In truth, I usually yell "Hit the deck!," Andorian/Klingon encouragement notwithstanding — but that's another story.)

Johanan,
I continue to discourage your suicidal impulses vis-á-vis Mrs. C. Only one man should have to endure her wrath, and I already signed up. Or, as my grandpa used to say, "When you've made your lie, you have to bed it.?

Did you have the opportunity to review the historical document "Prime Directive??

Dear Mr. Carpone,

Greetings! My apologies for not including the following in my earlier post. This is in reply to your thought-provoking questions on UFP economics.

Some non-Terrans who review Terran history have erroneously concluded that because "money" was not in use in Capt. Kirk's time and afterward on Terra, "money" therefore is not in use there now. What is not in use is "hard currency" (coins, bars of metal, etc.) and "paper money" (bills, checks). Capt. Kirk and his command crew encountered problems on 20th-century Terra because hard currency was still in use then. This does not imply that "money" in the broadest sense — a medium of exchange of value, common to all civilizations in one form or another — is not in use presently.

Thanks to replicator technology, the necessities and most of the luxuries of life can be made freely available to all who contribute their due to society in return, and to the needy as well. But while not everything rare is valuable, everything valuable is rare — prime beach front property, for example, which obviously cannot be replicated. Moreover, the Laws of Thermodynamics insure that information and energy will always be valuable — and both are needed to make replicators and all else work. Given these realities, since before Capt. Kirk's time the Federation has maintained an electronic system of credit exchange, in which the de facto dual standard of value is not gold and silver but information and energy. By this system, value may be earned or donated for services rendered and the value of prime commodities may be set. Some services are reckoned as more valuable than others, and therefore earn more credit. Some commodities are reckoned as more valuable than others, and therefore cost more credit. In an ideal federation such as ours strives to be, these matters are determined by a pragmatic, yet delicate balance between liberal and conservative economics and between authoritarian and libertarian social forces. Thus Starfleet admirals typically earn more credit than Starfleet captains, and thus are more likely to buy beach front property when they retire.

In the historical document novelized as "Spock's World," we see Dr. McCoy using a data solid to purchase information from one of the major libraries on Vulcan. When the starship Voyager was lost in the Delta Quadrant, an onboard system of credit exchange rationed replicator energy allotments. The Ferengi on Deep Space Nine typically ask for payment in their preferred medium of exchange, gold-pressed latinum — and frequently even Federation customers pay in it. On the same station, Worf is known to have asked "how much" a Ferengi tooth sharpener would cost him — and so on. Hopefully these examples illustrate some of the principles involved.

No economist, but a wide reader —
Johanan R.
Federation Archivist, Memory Alpha

J,
Excellent response, very helpful. I still smell a whiff of anti-free market capitalist mentality wafting from those who produce the historical documents.

To the Honorable Mr. Carpone,
Greetings once again! You have flattered me and my people twice in one reply: once, indirectly by publishing the poem of Kohf son of Klee (who says Klingons are a waste of skin?), and twice, by making the natural assumption that a Romulan Warbird Commander may be male or female. For the record, I am male, and my new Warbird is of the class that your Federation first encountered during the Nemesis Affair. (I must say, we were all impressed that your Enterprise-E held out longer against the Scimitar than two of our new Warbirds did. All hail to the Starfleet Corps of Engineers!)

Please tell me: why do you use "porcuswine" instead of "pork" to describe the flesh of the Terran pig? While I do not consume the meat, much of my crew is familiar with it, and they are as curious as I am about the name. However, we are not as familiar with your Federation's historical documents as some.

In the Praetor's service,
D_deridex
Cmdr., Heritage II (as my ship's name translates into English)

P.S.: My pen name — adopted when I actually commanded a Warbird of that particular class — is used to conceal my identity, pursuant to our General Order 19. Please pardon this lingering political/military necessity.

Cmdr.,
Thanks for your kind words. Regarding "porcuswine,? I refer you to the historical document "A Stainless Steel Rat Is Born? by the excellent Terran author, Harry Harrison. In brief, porcuswine are GM critters that combine the tasty flesh of the pig with the nasty tusks of a boar and the sharply quills of a porcupine (but longer). They were created for harsh planetary environments; K'Plett and I have found the Klingon homeworld to do nicely.

Mr. Carpone,
I have been hearing some disturbing rumors lately, and would like know if you have any information. I've heard that the great J.T. Kirk was found on some backwater planet, alive and well, and that Starfleet or some other branch of the Federation was covering it up by a campaign of misinformation. Do they actually believe that we would fall for the great JTK dying by the hand of a whimp scientist, when he has taken on Klingons in hand-to-hand and won? I feel that we should demand a full investigation into this matter by the Federation Council, and you would be the perfect choice to help
spearhead this matter.

Respectfully yours,
Machinegun Mike

MM,
Good to hear from you again. I regret that I am not at liberty further to discuss this matter.

Mr. Carpone,
Mrs. Carpone does not seem to be of the same culture as you are. Are all Iotian women like this or just your wife? On another note, what is your opinion of the web cartoon known as "Salad Fingers"? And now for something completely different ...

This poem is odd.
Tell me yours this time around.
I prefer lim'rick.

—Stephen I.

PostScript: Why do people claim to have odd ranks and be aliens when they are obviously humans and civilians?

Stephen,
Mrs. C is sui generis (they broke the mold before they created her).

I had not seen "Salad Fingers? before. I checked it out to answer your question. The answer is that I shall not voluntarily see it again.

You like limericks, get your own column.

Here's the haiku:

All our thoughts and hopes
To brave victims of K, R
Know this, too, shall pass

P.S.: Security, fantasy and/or whimsy: take your pick.

DEAR CARPONE,

I HAVE A QUESTION REGARDING THE DEVELOPEMENT OF TECHNOLOGYS SIMILAR TO THOSE CURRENTLY IN USE BY STAR FLEET PERSONEL. WHAT WOULD BE THE LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS ACCORDING TO STARFLEET POLICIES WHEN AN UNDER DEVELOPED CULTURE DEVELOPES A TRICORDER FOR INSTANCE BASED ON STARFLEET DESIGNS CURRENTLY IN USE? THANKS FOR YOUR TIME AND GREAT COLUMS!!

SINCERLY,
COMMODORE C.E. BAXTER
C.O. USS PROXEN NCC-3700-A
STARFLEET CORPS OF ENGINEERS

Commodore,
Thanks for your very kind words.

Regarding your inquiry, it depends. How did they obtain the Starfleet designs currently in use? If through an intentional act of a member of the Federation, such member would have committed a breach of the Prime Directive and, if caught, would be prosecuted. If they bought the designs on the black or grey markets from a non-Federation member without the connivance of a Federation member (e.g., obtained by a Ferengi boarding party of a legitimate Federation salvage wreck), there would be no legal ramifications.

To Mr. Carpone,

Greetings! I am a Starfleet Officer currently on a leave of absence from duty due to the difficult cicumstaces that I'm dealing with from the last war that the Federation had with the Dominion. I had lost a good number of friends & a couple of loved ones to the war & its reminecent of Earth's own history of wars fought from centuries ago. I was looking up information on some of the bloodiest wars ever fought & the 20th Century was the most bloodiest & war torn ever, from World War I to the First Persian Gulf War, & comparing those wars to the ones from the 21st Century, mainly Iraq & Afghanistan, I couldn't imagine why anyone would fight for a good cause by going to war & having to suffer the mental anguish of combat. What advice can you offer to those affected by such events & how can it be dealt with? I will be on leave until such a future time &, until next time, thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Commander Carl J. Monson
Starfleet Command

Commander Moron,
My thoughts and feelings echo one of the greatest 20th Century generals, who said to a wretch like you, "Well, hell, you're nothing but a Goddamned coward,? and slapped the S.O.B.

You say you couldn't imagine why anyone would fight for a good cause by going to war and having to suffer the mental anguish of combat. Not only is your imagination puny, but also your morals are bankrupt. Usually those like you try to wrap themselves in a cloak of righteousness, by claiming a war is not for a good cause. But you admit that, to you, even a good cause is not worth your mental anguish.

Should mental anguish (and the nastier risks of war) have prevented NATO from defending Russian Siberia from the invasion of the Neo-Imperial Chinese Empire in the 21st Century? I think not.

Because you ask, my advice to you is to lead, follow or get the hell out of the way. Despite your rank, I wouldn't trust you to lead an octaventral heebiephone band, no matter how many mouths you have. If you followed, your C.O. would probably get fragged.

So get the hell out of the way.

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.