Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

I joined in your planet's celebration of Labor/Capital Day earlier this week. There were the predictable protests (e.g., for a 5-hour workweek (from the current 7 ½) and minimum paid vacation of 20 weeks (from the current 18)), but the barbecued meats (especially the porcuswine ribs I had K'Plett Federation Express from our ranch) more than compensated.

how is it you can type while wearing boxing gloves?
ps; your hikus are as beautiful as im sure you are.
-pocho the chicken

Loco Pollo,
I use a voicewriter.
P.S. My haikus exceed my beauty by orders of magnitude — the Medusans go mad looking at me!

Dear Mr. Carpon,
I know your wife has answered a colum but I was wondering if your children (sunnybunny and mokie) could asnswer a couple.
L.M.C

LMC,
As you may be aware, I love my kids and love doing things with them. I plan to do joint columns with both Big Tony and The Mookster later this Fall.
Give the Woobie a hug for me.

Mr. Carpone,
I find myself intrigued over the report of your vacation. Especially of the Mrs. at the range. What type of heaters does she enjoy?
As Always, Thanks,
Machinegun Mike

MM,
Central forced air, using a Carrier-brand heat pump and passive solar auxiliary.
Also herbal tea.
Rarely me.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Greetings once again! I see you're developing a regular cast of readers. It's most amusing to see their equally developing adventures (my personal favorite thus far being those of the U.S.S. Red October).

Recently I was meditating on how the Borg might have viewed your world before and after it joined the Federation, and I came up with this haiku:

Chicago lightning
Compression phaser rifles
Both irrelevant

Looking forward to your weekly effort,
Johanan R.
Federation Archivist, Memory Alpha

P.S.: Tell your better half respectfully that I HAVE a life, thank you, and that I'll meet her anywhere, any time on a firing range if she doubts me. We have resident Andorian and Klingon scholars who have taught me much about both honor and marksmanship -- so even if she wins, I won't make it easy.

J,
Good to hear from you again. I encourage all sentients to use this column to play with ideas and words.
P.S. When she wins, you won't care if you didn't make it easy. Rust never sleeps, but vapor does.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Do you have any advice for those of us starting school in the next few weeks? (I figure that you've picked up a couple of tricks during your time at Berkeley.) Also, what is this week's haiku?
-PhotonsBeFree

PBF,
Wear sunscreen (no, wait – I'm supposed to tell you that at graduation).

Carpone's Top Ten Rules for College

10. Choose Wisely. Don't matriculate at Arizona State if you're LDS; Don't enroll at the University of Poseidon if you breath air.

9. Live in Student Housing. At least at first. You're joining a community, and you should be part of it 24/7. Besides, it's easier to ride an elevator than a speeder home after too much Romulan ale.

8. Have 360-Degree Vision. The course catalogue is like a travel book packed with adventure. I'm sure you're very gifted at the subtle nuances of bioneural warp theory, but also take "Introduction to Forestry" and "Molds and Humans" (I'm not making those up.) Look all around you!

7. Attend Classes. For so many different reasons: Because it will reinforce your understanding of the material and highlight the most important bits; because some profs will turn out to be entertaining, and you won't know which are not entertaining at first; and in order to score with the hottie in the third row — you know, the one with the silver wool antennae-warmers.

As my grandpa used to say, "90% of life is showing up, unless it's to Big Al's Valentine's Day party, in which case it's 100% of death."

6 to 1 to come in later columns.

To the Honorable Mr. Carpone,
Respectful greetings on behalf of the Romulan Star Empire! If you have read K'plett's old columns, you may remember me as the Commander who submitted to him translations of short Klingon poems. I submitted longer works to him, but they were not published before his departure from Terra.

Given that you may need K'plett's permission to publish the following poem, may I say that I have much affection for it. It was actually written by a Klingon on the Embassy staff, in idiomatic Federation Standard English, in a Terran poetic form, and on one of Terra's several local "Mother's Days" (no small achievement for the average Klingon). It was sent to me by a Terran acquaintance who works at the UFP's Memory Alpha. How he came to possess the poem is a mystery that perhaps not even the Tal Shiar and the Obsidian Order combined could solve.

Klingon Home Cooking

I loved her targ, her plates of gagh,

Her warnog stirred and shaken;

But nothing in this life compares

To Mother's Terran bacon.

Those strips of flesh, so greasy fat,

When smoked and steeped in brine,

Were absolutely just the thing

To go with ale or wine.

And oh! the chops, the ribs, the feet,

The heads so neatly split;

The rinds deep-fried and dipped in spice,

The cubes cooked on a spit!

How is it so, on this wet world

Where pig is all the rage,

That no one cooks it properly?

'Twould boggle any sage.

So here I sit inside a hut,

One eye upon the cam,

And try to lose my memories

Within a can of SPAM.

-- from Kohf son of Klee, with love

In the Praetor's service,

D_deridex
Cmdr., Heritage II (newly assigned to me)

Gentleman or Lady,
This masterpiece puts my puny haiku efforts to shame. K'plett and I will be in touch to discuss merchandising opportunities in connection with our delicious organic porcuswine products.

Esteemed Mr. Carpone,
I submit the following composition, entitled, "A Small Jest," for your consideration:

My hand smells of ink

True beauty is always flawed

I cannot write haiku.

Thank you for spreading the subtle joys of haiku. The delight of a new poem cannot be replicated. Please favor us with your latest.
Sincerely,
M. McFarland

Sir:

Everyone can write haiku. I greatly enjoyed your attempt, especially the middle line (I must be very beautiful).

As for a tip for tyros, when you have excess syllables, try a contraction (e.g., "can't" for "cannot").

Although that wouldn't be sufficient in this case, because "haiku" has three syllables.
And, you say "the delight of a new poem cannot be replicated." You should check out the newest models – some replicators now come with psychoactive attachments.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words. Here's the latest:

A time of promise

Mookster made/packed her own lunch

Kiddos have new shoes, friends, hopes

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.