Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

Sorry for the light posting — I've been on vacation. On the other hand, as grandpa used to say, "people forget how fast you rubbed out a palooka, but they remember how well you did it.?

I took The Boy, Big Tony, whitewater rafting, and then the whole family plus friends of the kiddos to stay at a beach house. Mrs. C got in some quality heater time at the practice range. Everything went well and a good time was had by all.

My experiences did lead me to consider an issue concerning Federation economic policy. I know from my daily life and the audiovisual historical documents I've viewed that here in the core of the Federation, money is no longer used, or, as a consequence, sought after.

When it comes to food, clothing, heaters, hooch and basic shelter, as well as medical care and education, I can understand that our advanced technology makes such things "too cheap to meter.?

But what about scarce or unique goods? Many will be in museums, available for public enjoyment. What of the others, though? First Editions of "The Book," for example. How are they allocated without money?

Take the beach house. To my good fortune, it had been a generous gift by the CWC Foundation to Cal late in the 21st Century. By a rotating schedule for visiting scholars it came available for my temporary use. But you might want to live at the beach year-round. Many others might like to live there, too. There is a finite amount of beach. Who decides? How?

On a Final Frontier: I note with regret the passing of a fine engineer and miracle-worker. Although my friend liked Scotch, and thought the beer I adore to be mother's milk, he always left me with a smile. I'm sure he's been beamed to a place where there's never any tribble at all. RIP.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Seeing as how you are a lawyer, I was hoping you could enlighten me on the topic of civil rights of artificial intelligences, especially in reference to a ship-wide AI directly tied into a Federation ship's main computer. From my understanding of the JAG case of Maddox vs. Data, the main computer of a starship was ruled as the property of Starfleet and therefore bereft of certain liberties.
Thank you for your time,
CPT Rokworr, UFPMC
USS Kennedy NCC-16705

Captain,
Federation law generally prohibits the intentional creation of sentient life, including non-organic life. To the extent the AI is not sentient, in this case meaning self-aware, it would be property and without civil rights.

A primitive example of this would be programs incorporating expert responses and applying a decision-tree approach. It may seem to be a mouthpiece, but it's really a toaster.

I believe that a self-aware AI would be deemed to have full civil rights under the precedent discussed. Indeed, this has been the lower court's ruling in Maddox v. The Doctor, currently on appeal.

Tell me about Heaters and dames please.
N

N,
I have an editor who shares your interests. Sometimes, though, the well is dry. [As long as the hooch well ain't dry, we're good! - Ed.]

I will offer a culturally and vacation-relevant joke:

Q: Who is the biggest gangster at the beach?
A: Al Caprawn.

Carpone:
Sorry I missed the misses. I'm living with the hyper spanner problems for now. My head hurts a bit, but I guess that's just the hazards of the job.

Anyway, I was out on a mission the other day when we came across a couple of Cardasians playing Fizbin in a bar an Rigel IV. It turns out, they were hosting an illegal Fizbin gambling operation not sanctioned by the Federation. We broke up the party, but I just had to ask how the Cardasians picked up Fizzbin. I didn't catch all the details, but I could have sworn I heard your name slip. Just found it kinda interesting considering Cardasians don't seem to care much for entertainment. How'd you pull that one off?

Capt. Robinson
U.S.S. Red October

Captain,
You have flushed out an embarrassing incident from my misspent youth. My family maintains an active interest in the import/export trade, specializing in puzoil (much like Earth's olive oil, low in saturated fat and good for cooking, cosmetics, and dribbling on bread). Of course, sometimes you have to deal in specialized merchandise, just to make up a full load. I'm sure you understand.

A group of Cardassians took issue with a deliveries to a certain customer (the Cardies were in armed conflict with them — admittedly, in the case of the Cardies, not unusual). I was piloting the cargo carrier for my Uncle Bela, and they took me prisoner.

While it is true that the spoonheads are not a fun-loving bunch, they have egos the size of Kirk's. That gave me the idea to use fizzbin to confound and confuse them, making my escape possible.

Long story short, it worked, though our import/export operation made the business decision to cease trading with that customer. Just as well — they were in a Badlands area.

Dear Mr.Capone,
Thank you for your responce to my last query. I will make a point of reading the back issues of your columns.
Respectfully,
Lt.Commander Dodson

Lt. Commander,
You are very welcome, any time.

Señhor,
Allow us to gorge on a new haiku, Iotian!
V. Rodriguez

VR,
My great pleasure. Here are two for the price of one.

Danger on river
Scary OK — not risk life
So proud of The Boy.

Scrabble — Mom likes it
Girl buys for with own cabbage
So proud of Mookster.

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.