Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

There has been controversy over the Federation President's pending nomination to the Judicial Council. A mouthpiece myself, I'll answer some of the most common questions. Of course, the Fed way is different from Iotian tradition. As my grandpa used to say, "A judge in your pocket is worth two on the bench." Q: Is this really a big deal?

A: It's HUGE. Bigger than the Lesser Magellanic Cloud. Bigger than the Fed's piece of the action. Even bigger than Kirk's libido. The Judicial Council determines all the issues that the pusillanimous politicians either can't or won't.

Q: I've heard that because the vacancy exists due to the retirement of a Vulcan, a Vulcan might be appointed to replace her.

A: It's true that in the past, there's been a "Vulcan seat," like the "Andorian seat" and the "Ahpan seat" (for the fifth (egg transferring) gender of the Rishran). I think we've moved beyond such species-centric concerns, though, and should seek a new, fresh point of view. Iotian, say.

Q: What are the issues the nominee may face?

A: It's always difficult to know the Undiscovered Country. But the ban on genetic enhancement clearly restricts individual freedom, and the cost of that restriction to individuals and the Federation as a whole (especially in light of the Dominion and Borg conflicts) may be challenged. The civil rights of artificial intelligences also come to mind. And don't even get me started on the Prime Directive!

Q: So what should we want in a nominee?

A: Intelligence and integrity, first. A connection to, and understanding of, the real Quadrant and real sentients. Respect for the proper role of the separate branches of our government. And appreciation of double-entry bookkeeping.

Dear Mr. Capone,
Do you still consider yourself an Iocean? If so how did the Horizon's visit affect your ancestors directly? Further, Wasn't Captain Kirk's introduction and establishment of the syndicate violate the Prime Directive? Do you play Fizbin?
Respectfully,
Lt. Commander Dodson

Dod,
1. Absolutely, assuming you meant "Iotian." Otherwise, while I enjoy sailing and bodysurfing, no.
2. As previously discussed, it led to the rise to power of my ancestors Bela Oxmyx and Jojo Krako.
3. As also previously discussed, Kirk had to fight fire with fire.
4. As mentioned every time this column is published, I am the three-time undefeated Pan-Federation fizzbin champion.

Carpone and the Misses:
Wow, what a team you guys make! I took the Misses advice, and lo and behold, it worked! I took a hyper spanner, stuck it between the tritanium slats in the roof of my cabin, and wouldn't you know, pokin' her in the ribs did the trick (my ship that is). Now I sleep peacefully, even at warp 9.5.

But, of course I still have a little problem. Every once in a while, we hit some spatial turbulence, the anti-matter injectors go slightly out of phase for a second, and the hyper spanner falls and lands smack-dab on my face. I don't know about you two, but a hyper spanner in the face is no way to start the day. There's got to be a simple solution to my problem, but I think I'll try this one on the misses again. Worked great last time... well, sort of...
Captain Robinson
U.S.S. Red October

Captain,
If your inquiry was directed to Mrs. C, she's at Small Arms and Light Explosives camp sharpening her skills (and her throwing knives). You know how dames love SALEs.

Hello,
Thank you for your last reply.

To go ahead and provide the results of our investigation about Mr. Uglyguy, it appears that his death was extremly odd. From all indications, an elisted officer had been watching a copy of the 21st Centuary Terran film "Dawn of the Dead," and someone, despite him being assigned to a completly different department, he managed to leave the disk near a hydoponics bay computer, which, oddly enough, turned parts of the disk's programming into a genectic code and transferred it to an onion.

Beware all onions in your possesion. We had offloaded the onion at a Starbase while our bay was being cleaned out and upgraded to unclude a fence; and it came into contact with in upwards of 10,000 metric tons of other onions, spreading the genectic code, which is now technically a virus.

We didn't think the virus could spread without direct contact, but we then got reports that several planets with humanoid populations have been infected with the virus, apparently when your eyes start to water from the onion smell, the pores into your system.

We've been ordered to stop any infected vessels from moving toward a planet, and oddly enough, we lost contact with the rest of the fleet about 3 hours ago.

Arm yourself, the onions are rising.

-- CPT. Downs, RMV Stryker

Captain,
Duke: "The peasants are revolting."
King: "They certainly are."

All kidding aside, I sense an opportunity here. Have you ever viewed the Twentieth Century Terran film "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! (1978)?? I say we put the two together and get a salsa that literally knocks you off your pseudopods!

Mr. Carpone,
How absolutely delightful to have the opportunity to meet your wife, as it
were. She sounds like a wonderful companion, much like my own.

Alas, I fear that they are also the reason why we cannot meet socially. I
fear greatly for the safety of the universe should our women meet. If they
didn't kill each other, they would begin to cooperate and soon even the Borg
would fall between them.

On the other hand, if their meeting appears imminent, then we should try to
purchase as much Amazon Wal-Sears stock as we can. I'd certainly like a
piece of *that* action!
Scott H.

SH,
I couldn't agree more. Please know, however, that your attempt to disguise your true identity has failed – it's elementary that you shouldn't retain the initials.

The game is afoot!

Sr. Carpone,

What, pray, is this week's haiku?
Fr. Alvito, S.J.

Father,
Thanks for asking!

Summer is here: great!
Time goes slowly in office
Too fast on weekends

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.