Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

Carpone: In previous columns, I have mentioned the lovely and gifted Mrs. Carpone. We and the editors at Starfleet thought it would be fun for us, and you, if we did a joint column. After Mrs. C introduces herself, we'll each answer directly every other question below. The other will then comment on the question and/or answer.

Mrs. C: I am a woman of great patience in large matters (steering two offspring toward adult independence) and no patience with small ones (i.e., liberal-minded pacifists, and slow-pokes in the fast lane!). This temperament is probably due to Hungarian/Klingon ancestry processed through a Borg attempt at assimilation (failed) somewhere along the family tree.

Mr. Carpone, for all his estimable capabilities, will be perfected at some point in our association (going on 20+ years and still light-years to go on this front). We exist companionably tolerant of each other's faults, but I take every opportunity to guide him along that long and winding road toward personal optimization (oh, and ridicule mercilessly his taste in music and movies!). If I can offer guidance to any brave enough to seek a woman's perspective, I would be more than eager to "assist? you.

Greetings Again,
Mr. Carpone, I'm sorry to inform you that the Ensign has been killed, and thus, our ship no longer has any chance of sending someone to defeat your in your silly little game. His death is still under investigation, but it appears he had a run in with a genetic copy of a plant in our hydroponics bay.

However, I must ask you, what would happen if someone inserted an autoreplicating virus into your system's computer network that made the communications network spew out clusters of Terran "metal" music from the late seventies and early eighties?

We here on Stryker find your music terrible, and feel we ... er ... someone, should enlighten you again in the screaming qualities of Axl and company.

Cpt. Downs, RMV Stryker

Carpone: Captain – Sorry to hear about Mr. Uglyguy – was the plant's name Audrey II?

Ah, the Terran music of the seventies and eighties – I remember it well. No one can forget 7000 Angstrom Floyd's seminal "THE DARK SIDE OF ANDOR IV? – it was very big in 2373 and has never dropped off the charts since then.

Thanks for your offer, but I believe I'm fully enlightened as to screaming qualities of axles, especially untuned ones, no matter what company they're in. Fortunately, you can drown such screaming out with Chicago lightning, wearing a rose in your lapel.

Mrs C: Honestly, how often does an opportunity to use the speaker system for phaser practice pop up? Go ahead, make our day!

I miss the Klingon
I miss the Ferengi
I miss Freak of the Week

-Bill Klutz

Carpone: Bill – K'Plett is doing well, raising stock on the porcuswine ranch we invested in. I miss neither Pelgar nor Freak of the Week, but I'm sure they appreciate your sentiment.

Mrs. C: Oh, come on! Stop living in the past ... there's more to the universe than your own little comfort zone.

Dear Mr. Carpone,

Thank you for answering my question on Stardate 05.13.2005. However, there is one matter that I'd like you to address further. (I am not the long-lived being you supposed, just a Human with an odd mix of photographic memory and cap-on-the-lens syndrome.) You wrote that UC Berkeley "became very conservative and by the late 2200s was one of the most staid institutions on Earth. See, for example, the written historical document 'Prime Directive.'" I have searched Terra's Starfleet database remotely, as well as the Memory Alpha database locally, and can't seem to find the exact document you refer to. Could you please provide the appropriate subspace link?

Dumb questions are good if they lead to smart answers,
Johanan R.,
Federation Archivist, Memory Alpha

P.S.: I have a haiku of my own and look forward to seeing yours:

Question marks: still there.
Errors make Carpone look dumb.
Fix punctuation!

Carpone: Johanan – Good to hear from you again. The historical document I referred to was authored by two brilliant and talented Starfleet historians, Judith and Gar Reeves-Stevens. As of this writing, Amazon Wal-Sears offers 251 used and new copies for varying amounts of latinum. (As an "inside baseball? matter, please see the disclaimer printed in the front of the historical document – an entity known as the Great Bird of the Galaxy insisted upon it.)

Regarding punctuation and haiku:

Yes, they are, JR
Like Ferengi donation
Relief hard to get

Mrs. C: [No response – if she had one, it would be "Get a life.?]

Carpone,
After talking to your engineering consultant, I have had the extreem joy of galavanting across the universe at warp 9.5. What fun! Unfortunately, I had a little trouble the structural integrity field, and the hull plating has started to rattle. This isn't a big problem, but it's not easy to sleep at night with such a loud rackett. Any suggestions?

Captain Robinson
U.S.S. Red October

Mrs. C: Sympathies, Captain. I, too have difficulty sleeping with the loud racket ... do what I do and poke it hard in the ribs. Anything more drastic might be subject to criminal penalty. Oh, alright, try WD-4000 – fixes almost anything!

Carpone: Well, that explains the pain in my side when I wake up.

Dear Carpone,

I fought in the Dominion War. During that time I lost my left arm, which had to be replaced with a prosthetic. Will you represent me in my lawsuit against the Dominion?

Ensign Ernest Parker

Carpone: Ensign Parker – First, thank you for your service. All the brave men, women and other beings who defend our civilization have earned our gratitude and respect.

Regarding your claim, I would need to research the matter, but treaties ending major conflicts typically include provisions for compensation by a defeated aggressor to victims. My father, also a veteran of the Dominion War, still has notebook paper paid for out of reparations (as part of his post-service education benefits).

It seems likely that there is a formal system of compensation outside the usual civil legal institutions. I would suggest you inquire with Starfleet Veterans Affairs, or you might inquire of your relative, Larry.

Mrs. C: I am no lawyer (thank the makers) so forget about a lot of legal drivel about compensation. Enjoy the prosthetic (honestly, at least you have something to hang it on) and get some cool and useful "attachments? – I understand Braun makes some very handy bionic gadgets to make life simpler and more effective for those in your situation. You can even have some custom tailored for your needs ...

Mr. Carpone,
In your last column, there was a question that asked whether or not Jonathan Archer served as President of the Federation. Your databanks did not contain that information, so I thought I would write and update you. In the historical document "In a Mirror, Darkly Part II" (of course how we got a hold of a historical document from the parallel universe we'll probably never know), there is a point where Ensign Sato pulls up Captain Archer's Starfleet File. If you look closely at that file, you will see that after the decommissioning of the NX-01, Archer served as Ambassador to Andoria from 2169-2175. He then served as a Federation Councilman from 2175-2183, and then as President of the UFP from 2184-2192.
This should help complete your databanks on the subject.
W. B. Craig
Loyal Federation Citizen

Carpone: WBC, LFC – I admire Jonathan Archer greatly. I'm just not sure how much we should rely on "facts? taken from a historical document of events in an alternate universe reviewing an atemporal computer record drawn from a different historical document in a different universe.

As grandpa would say, "We don't want to be a loose canon.?

Oh, Boy!

Mrs. C: I thought I read somewhere that he went on to a modest acting career. Was he an actor or a president, acting as a president ... whatever. It's been done before! Either way, I'm sure he didn't serve more than four years either way ...

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.