K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Salutations Humans!

I have spent the last several weeks enjoying a limited tour of your planet, and spent the last weekend celebrating an ancient declaration of independence by a colony against its imperial governors. Of course, this situation is far different than the Klingon Empire, where all planets in the Empire are completely content to be ruled from Qo'noS.

However, the long weekend provided ample opportunity to enjoy pyrotechnic displays and to eat many, many pounds of pork. Of course, this is how I spend every weekend, but that's not the point. It was a good day to fry.

But enough about me. I will now confront your questions.

K'Plat fello Kligon Warrior,
Although I dislike the life of diplomat's I hold you in great respect. I being a fellow Klingon feel inclined to tell you that the documentation of the show Enterprise is misguided. In their first mission they rescue a klingon. (Who would dare do such a thing!) However it is recorded that our honorable race was not encountered untill 12 earth years after the Enterprises maden voyage. Also I would like to inform you that the snivelling infidel ferengi has been fooling you for some time. He is no prisoner he is on a ship heading towards you. He wishes to end your life dishonorably. I am attempting to stop this grub. I would advise sharpening your defencive skills.
The honorable Klingon Captain

Dear Klingon Captain,
First, I would implore you to fix your universal translator, lest you sound like some kind of dimwitted Pakled. Next, let us speak of history. History is an elusive thing, and truth is most often obscured over time. One Human saying goes something along the lines of "history is written by the winners." I must agree. On Earth, there is dispute as to who "discovered" a continent that was already inhabited! So remember that history is a tenuous thing: I tend to take facts with a grain of salt until I hear it from multiple sources. In theory, Vulcans made first contact in Montana in your 21st century, but time-traveling Vulcans had set foot on Earth as early as their 1930's, so it's hard to nail down what's truth and what's rumor or speculation. I would say relax and stop trying so hard to find fault or errors in the reports you watch. As for Pelgar... I have my own plans for him...

Dear Honorable K'Plett,
I was curious to know what role healers play in Klingon culture. While I know that Klingons long for an honorable death in battle I would imagine that there are healers to ensure that non-fatal injuries don't keep warriors from the battlefield for long.
Thank you for your time,
A curious Terran healer.

Dear Terran Healer,
Healers in Klingon culture are highly valued and respected. Most Klingons can end a life, but to save one is quite a skill. Especially healers on the battlefield, who can kill as well as heal. Another function that healers serve in our society is to ensure that if a Klingon is to die, he dies on the battlefield and not on a sickbed. For centuries there were diseases that forced many a noble, brave warrior into an unseemly downward spiral, robbing them of their dignity.

Honorable warrior,
I humbly seek your wisdom and guidance. Although I am human, I feel like I possess the heart of a warrior and want to ensure myself a place among the honored dead. Unfortunately, I have no great battles for poets to write songs about. I haven't made any enemies during the course of my life, nor do I wish to do so, just for the sake of having enemies. I'm not saying that I am quick to give in to oppression, just that I haven't been in any of those types of situations. I have yet to have my resolve tested.

Since needlessly provoking others is not honorable, and randomly putting myself in harm's way is reckless and foolish, what do I do? What kinds of deeds or quests must I complete to have songs written about me? I thought this question would be a nice break for the typical "I'm a young cadet wanting to hook up with a cadet of the opposite sex" type questions I see you answer over and over again.
Sincerely,
Looking for Honor in all the wrong places

Dear Looking for Honor in all the wrong places,
In today's curious climate, you can find the great battles, they are simply not where you might expect, and they're not so easy. Many young warriors simply want another warrior to fight, but if you are truly serious about being an honorable warrior, find an issue you can combat through public service or volunteering. If you feel there is injustice in a particular law or if you feel a political candidate is worth fighting for, donate your time and energy to make a positive change. An impatient warrior wants a quick skirmish, but a committed warrior knows it's a long haul.

Honourable K'Plett,
I, and the other people of Australia, stand with Captain AJ on the spelling of "honour". For many years we have had to sit back while the citizens of the United States have butchered the English language. Now it is time to take a stand and teach them all how to spell correctly. Starting by replacing all the dreadful "ize's" (that's Zeds, not Zees) they use with "ise's" as is proper. One only has to look up the correct spelling and pronunciation of the word "Aluminium" to see how degraded human communication has become in that land.
Honourably yours,
Sparky

Dear Sparky,
While your point is taken, understand that language is a constantly evolving medium of communication. One has to look no further than the books of a century ago or further to see that.

This is one thing I do not understand about Humans, how your many languages and dialects interact with one another. For example, to people who live in the country south of France, their land is "España," but people who speak English insist it's called "Spain." Why not call each nation by the name its own citizens use? Wouldn't that be easier and more respectful? But I am not Human, what do I know.

Dear K'Plett,
Greetings. I have an unusual situation. I live with my mother, even though I am old enough to leave and move out on my own. However, my mother wishes that I remain at home. My problem is that I need discipline to realize my dream of becoming an actor. The only place I can get this discipline is with my honorable father, who has vowed to train me in the ways of a warrior. On the other hand, my mother lacks the discipline to help me in my quest. What might I do in this situation? I realize that I should live with my father, but how might I go about informing my mother without dishonoring her?
Daimon Quark

Dear Daimon Quark,
If your mother wished you to swallow a bat'leth would you do it? I do not know your age, but if you insist you're old enough to move out on your own, you're old enough to make your own decisions. I understand you do not wish to hurt your mother's feelings, but if she loves you, she will respect your decisions. It might be difficult at first, but if you continue to remain diligent, she will come around. If she doesn't then you must remind yourself that her goals were less geared towards your happiness and fulfillment and more aligned toward some unhealthy power-control issues. Ultimately, she is not responsible for your happiness, and you are not responsible for hers. Take charge of your life!

Yo Yo Yo Dog,
I was out mashing tribbles with a sledgehammer today dressed in a pink moo moo, with birds sewn into my hair, and yo yo's hanging out of my mouth when I found a dead fish loaded with squirming maggots. Are their any gagh-like species on Earth that you enjoy?
Somewhat Mentally Troubled

Yo Yo Yo, Somewhat Mentally Troubled,
Sadly, most food here on Earth is already dead when I eat it. This isn't so bad, particularly with my beloved pork, as a living pig would be hard to hold onto to eat, especially if it's greased up. As far as your own descriptions of your activities, don't forget your medication, it's very important to stay on your medication.

Honorable K'Plett,
I was supposed to graduate this spring (my BA), as this would have been the end of my fourth year as an undergrad. However, in order to achieve this (practically no one in my school, and fewer in my major, graduate "on time"), I took the maximum number of credit hours last quarter--all very difficult upper level classes. I thought I could handle it, and if I had, I would have graduated as planned. But it came out as a terrible dishonor--I barely passed each class, and did not get a high enough grade in four of them to graduate. I will need to retake them. How do I mentally adjust myself to the new plan, and get over the dishonor that I mostly brought upon myself? And how do I force myself to focus enough on my studies this quarter that I do not repeat that failure?
Thank you,
Admiral Zerik

Dear Admiral Zerik,
Forget about the supposed "dishonor" of taking longer to graduate. The point is education, not conforming blindly to the norm. If you were delayed in graduation because you spent too much time dancing with a lampshade on your head, you'd be wise to humbly admit your errors and complete your studies. But since you yourself admit most don't finish on time, do not worry about it. You're there to improve yourself, do that instead of worrying about what others think. As for keeping your focus, that's the challenge. Prove that you're up to it.

Good and Honorable K'Plett
I have participated in the rigorous challenge known as Track, and I am currently in training to become a Navy SEAL, but While doing my 200 meter distance with hurdles, I was in the lead, when I tripped and fell, causing my teammate to stumble also. Now I am humiliated and disgraced, tell, me, what would you do.
Admiral Volkov

Dear Admiral Volkov,
Forget about it. You tripped, so what? It happens. If it continues to happen, that's a different story. But dwelling on this incident does nothing but make you insecure about your abilities. I'd be willing to wager you'll never make that mistake again, and that's what mistakes are for. Face the future, turn your back on the past.

dear k'plett,
i am what some may call the high school jock. i often have a hard time tryin to study and workout....i just got screwed in math...but i'm sorta screwed in sports too what path should i take? sports? or studies? how will i know what to choose?
alex

Dear Alex,
Don't be so anxious to decide. You should definitely focus a bit on writing so that you can learn proper capitalization. Sports can deliver all kinds of lessons and rewards, but if you're injured you need something to fall back on. Besides, you don't want to be one of those men who spend more than half of their lives reliving early glory over and over. Look for interests that will give you glory throughout your life.

Greetings Honored One,
I have recently purchased a full sized, battle ready bat'leth. It is impressive and my trekkie friends are envious. I must confess that I have derived much pleasure from destroying various things with my new weapon. However, my techniques are no doubt primitive compared to your experienced methods. I seek new and advanced maneuvers. It would please me if you could share a few tactics.
----PORK IS POWER!----
The Caffeine Driven Warrior,
Ravage

Dear Ravage,
I highly recommend Grakow's new video "Bat'leth Like the Stars," featuring a collection of combat moves that will drive the ladies wild. You might not know Grakow, but you've seen his moves and with this new video, you can learn the right ways to spin, thrust and twirl your bat'leth like the pro's. Practice in the privacy of your own home or with friends, with Grakow, it's always a bat'leth party!

Hail Honorable Warrior,
I felt like I had to say that the 18 year age limit on the startrek.com contests is ridiculous. I am a 15.29452 year old terran, striving for Klingon enlightenment. In the Official Rules of entry for the contests, it says that the contestant "Must be a legal resident of the United States and 18 years of age or older," but they do not give a reason for the age limit. I cannot but wonder what reasons may be behind this regulation, but there are many devoted trekkies of age less than 18, all of whom I am sure would be thrilled to have the privilege of entering, even just for fun. And to whoever came up with the age limit, all I have to say is: 'Hab SoSlI Quch!' HoD Qheldar
PS Your column is far more sophisticated and sensible than that of the dishonorable, thin-lobed Pelgar.

Dear Young Terran,
I am not familiar with the laws and customs of your people, but I can understand why a minor would be restricted from contests. While you yourself are no doubt a highly intelligent and honorable young warrior, there are others your age with the common sense of a brick who, if they won a prize such as a coffee mug, would choke to death on it after cramming it into their always-open mouths.

Look at it this way: when you achieve adulthood, many doors open wide for you and this is just one more door to look forward to.

Honorable K'Plett
I was wondering if you had studied any of Earth's ancient military history if not I would like to draw your attention toward the Battle of Agincourt, were 10,000 brave English souls stood against an army of 80, 000 Frenchmen, with the English winning the day. Forever immortalized by Shakespeare in Henry V.
'O God of battles! steel my soldiers' hearts'
Harlequin

Dear Harlequin,
I have indeed studied the battle of which you speak. The archers won the day, demonstrating the need to stay alert and abreast of technological advancements in warfare. Had the French been developing the long bow instead of doing whatever it is that French people do, the battle may have turned out differently.

Dear Wise and Honorable K'Plett,
I am a young ensign who just graduated from Starfleet Academy. I was wondering if you knew an extremely handsome guy named Wesley Crusher. Ever since I was dreaming about Starfleet, I've liked him. Pleeeeeeeeease help me find him.
Ensign A.Vandalia

Dear Ensign,
I am a member of the Klingon delegation! I am not a matchmaker, you will not see me directing love struck Humans to places such as www.wilwheaton.net or any such Crusher-related site. It would beneath my Klingon dignity.

K'Plett,
Have you heard of a music type "Death Metal" or European Metal music? Such music inspires humans to join in a circle and react to its violent nature. Some end up dying in these pits due to intensity. I know you and most other Klingons are fond of "Opera" but let me tell you, compare your "Opera" to lets say "Sepultura" (kings of Brazilian thrash) and see the crowd react to such songs as "Refuse/resist" and "One Man Army" obviously, this band and others like it have Klingon blood! Thank you for reading.
Matthew of Stillwater

Dear Matthew of Stillwater,
Yes indeed, there is something deeply visceral about the music you speak of, an intensity that does a warrior good. I wouldn't compare it to Klingon opera per se; as Klingon opera is also about telling epic tales and Death Metal seems more about expressing a deep-seated primal existential anger. Or something like that.

Dear K'Plett
I require your advice including my X'girlfriend. To make a long story short, I thought we would last very long but we didn't and we broke up because of my foolishness and blindness not to see that I was pressured into dumping her. After we broke up we were very mad at each other, but once we made up we once again became good friends and we each discovered each others secrets, which were that we both still liked each other. Although I still find myself thinking about her almost constantly, I also feel hurt and angry because I always believed we would once again get into a relationship. Now I find myself hoping to one day get back together and at the same time I hope not to ever see her again. This is because I am always the one calling her, walking up to her, and bringing up the conversations. I am also experiencing problems with her good friends. What should I do?
From a confused 13 year old

Dear Confused 13 year old,
Now you have a little taste of adulthood. The exact details of your situation matter very little to me. If, at the early age of 13, you actually think you'll be with the same girl your entire life, I think you're being naive. You're 13 for Kahless' sake! These things are never simple, but just relax and realize that the coming years will bring immense changes and trials, so roll with them. It sounds as if you're having a hard time letting go. Just remember there's nothing quite as unattractive as desperation. Girls hate it and later on you'll be mortified. Let her go. Move on.

Honourable K'Plett;
While the trombone is a noble and often formidable instrument, the true Syren of Battle is the bagpipes. Pipers traditionally went unarmed into battle, with the code of war offered only the relief of not being intentionally shot, it did little to extend their odds. It is also a symbol of a people who eat a delicacy known as a haggis, which is best not discussed in polite company.
u'pyaK'ilt

Dear u'pyaK'ilt,
Not to mention how dramatic bagpipes sound at funerals for Vulcan science officers.

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]