Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings, Nasal Humans,

So it's been a while since I've completed a column. I could tell you all some kind of story about how I've been spending my time following my more academic pursuits, like making documentaries about Vulcan dignitaries or researching the Dominion War, but who's going to believe that?

Actually, I've been working on my appeals with my attorney, and if all goes well, I'll be out of this gilded cage soon, and I'll have more time to devote to mocking each and every one of you.

I will now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.

Dear Ferengi dude,
If you call a single Ferengi, Ferengi. Then a group of Ferengi, Ferengi. What is the time in China?
Anonymous

Dear Hew-Mon,
Let me answer your question this way: There are two ships, one from Ferenginar and the other from Bajor, each launching simultaneously and traveling at warp 6. The time in China is the same as the time these ships pass each other. Any more clever questions?

Dear Pelgar,
Is it wrong to dream about rubbing oil all over Captain Picard and Captain Sisko's bald heads, and then dancing with them around a fire in the pale blue moonlight in nylon underwear? I have these dreams with a lot of bald headed beings, how about you Pelgar? Up for a little oiling?
Love
Captain Anchors Away
Beam me up Scotty!

Dear Hew-Mon,
There's nothing wrong about dreaming, knock yourself out. But I've taken out a restraining order, so keep your creepy little oily fingers away from me. Like I said, dream on.

Oh wise Pelgar,
What is your favorite HEW-MON music?
HEW-MON

Dear Hew-Mon,
You know, prison can get boring sometimes, and it's nice of the Federation to allow me access to music (I'd charge an arm and leg for it, but that's Starfleet for you). Since you limit me to Hew-Mon music, I'll leave out the musical stylings of my people, which is far more profitable (superior) than Earth music. Personally, I like music that gets my graceful and elegant Ferengi body moving, you know what I'm saying? Whether it's dancing to a guilty pleasure pop tune sung by an underage siren or banging my head to classic rock, I like all kinds of music. Except country and that weird atonal "modern" stuff, both just creep me out.

I'd talk about specific acts and artists, but no one's paid me yet. I'll happily extol the virtues of any musical act willing to pay a minimal (by rock star standards) endorsement fee. I'm waiting.

Dear Pelgar,
I have a great passion for professional wrestling. I want to be a wrestler and have taken up training. Only problem is there's really a monopoly in wrestling right now and not many places of employment other then the WWF. On top of that the pay is extremely poor until you make it big (if I ever do). So my question is, should I stay with wrestling which I am obsessed with or find a different line of work?
ToM D.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Hmm, can everyone smell what Tom's cooking? I can, and it stinks. Look, lots of people have obsessions, but only the diligent, brilliant or exceptionally lucky can ever make their obsessions pay the bills. So ask yourself, are you willing to live as a profitless dolt and suffer the insults of people like me (profitless dolt!) or have you come to your senses. If you still want to wrestle, and if my insults and the disgrace and shame of your family can't persuade you, then you are a true dim-witted numbskull, and therefore your chances of a pro wrestling career are pretty good. But remember, if you're not built like an action figure, give it up. It's like fashion models, no real Hew-Mons accepted, only for boys.

dear ferengi,
do you like pork??????????????????????????
sincerly,
lt. pollok, I.K.C. dorky
p.s.- did you know that p.s. meant pretty stupid? bet you didn't!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahha
p.p.s.- no i dont know what I.K.C. means could you tell me
p.p.p.s.- don't you think that ink kartridges for printers are xpensive???????
p.p.p.p.s.-i would have said some more stupid stuff, but i had already sent the letter. sorry :(
p.p.p.p.p.s.- oh one more thing i forgot to ask you what you had against k'plett.
p.p.p.p.p.p.s.- while im at it i might as well tell you that im a dork
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s.-this is the end (really)
p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s.- goodbye

Dear Hew-Mon,
You truly put the "eek!" in "freak," but you're not my Freak-of-the-Week. See below.

Greetings Pelgar
Being a student in the UK, (a tiny insignificant country on God's Little Earth), I was wondering if you could offer me any financial advice on how to manage my financial situation. Currently all British Students are made to pay tuition fees, instead of the grants we once had. Consequently I am poor, and on limited budget (to the extent that Tube Grubs seem appealing!) I was wondering if there was anything you knew of that would help me out of my financially challenged situation.
You are of Course, Ever wise (If a little Ugly),
(Soon to Be Doctor) Dave

Dear Hew-Mon,
Soon to be Doctor, eh? Well, if you can't pay your tuition, it's going to be later rather than sooner. My advice to you is to forget those high-priced British medical schools and get your poor limited budget down to one of those third-world medical schools on some dumpy little island. Oh sure, there's bound to a step down in quality or twelve, but the Hew-Mon powers that be seem to be telling you that poor people aren't allowed to be doctors. Of course, you could take on extra jobs, work hard and pay your own way through a good medical school, but the weather's nicer elsewhere.

pelgarargarar
what's the date mr. wolf seven before the eggs come home to the glass of chicken juice. if i stand on my kidneys will you steal my horse? enough about me though, are we nearly there yet? can ferengi be put in holes? there's a hole in my shoe that might fit the bill. tell me about 01246 won't you? why are french people beige? oh look, there's my rabbit. sand sculptures, eh?
always a pleasure big P.
coolade

Dear Hew-Mon,
You ask a lot of questions, but I'll focus on the French. Why are French people beige? Probably because they thought it would help them advance in the World Cup. They were wrong.

Dear Beloved Pelgar,
Phew! The smell of these Hew-Mons make me sick! They smell like hot dogs! Tell me something; what do they smell like to you?
Just wondering,
Captain Vox

Dear Captain Vox,
And here I thought hot dogs were revolting because they smell like Hew-Mons.

Pelgar:
First off allow me to say that I don't like you! Personally I find Ferengi to be a vile, disgusting, sub-species and a bane on the galaxy. Now, on to my question. Do you believe peace can be brought to the Trekkies and Star Wars fans? If so how? If not, may you digest in the stomach of a Sarlaac for 1000 years!
Signed: Starfleet Jedi

Dear Hew-Mon,
Actually, the problem isn't as bad as you think. Trekkies and Star Wars fans may be at each others' throats now, but just remember that for the conflict to continue, they must procreate with members of the opposite gender. Girls. Women. Remember them? Since that's just not going to happen, relax, both sets of fans will eventually die out, like the Panda.

Alright, alright, before I get hundreds of "I have SO kissed a girl!" letters, let's get real, shall we? Since when is a movie an "Episode?" Star Wars is just a made-up, fictional thing. Don't be fooled.

Pelgar,
Greetings.... I'm a fellow Ferengi serving as an undercover special agent on this forsaken planet. As you surely have surmised, my mission is to destabilize the pathetic Federation economy, in order to facilitate a hostile take over by our own superior Ferengi economy. Sadly, I have had to undergo cosmetic surgery in order to appear as a human. Such tiny and useless lobes! Given my disgusting appearance and my severe shortage of Latinum (government jobs don't pay well as you know), what can I do to attract females (Hew-Mon or other species it doesn't matter much...right?) to provide me with my Ferengi right to pleasure?
Arigar
Special Agent in the service of the Grand Nagus

Dear Stealth Hew-Mon,
Okay, so you think you're just entitled to females for pleasure? And you have a severe shortage of Latinum? Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. Most males probably wish it did, but it doesn't. You want something for nothing and you seem to think females exist only for you. Look, I'm neither agreeing nor disagreeing with you, but on this planet, the females want either money (understandable) or a really good-looking partner (also understandable) or someone who will treat them with respect, love and dignity (don't even try to explain that one to me, it's just the way these Hew-Mons are). So if you don't have money or looks, you'd better start working on that personality.

Dear Pelgar,
I want to write to you to inform you that capitalism is the best system out there. Even the Ferengi should like it! After all the system plays off a persons wanting to be rich and famous and it plays off there greed as well; and if I am not mistaken those are traits the Ferengi admire and strive for is it not.
A Capitalist Nut

Dear Hew-Mon,
Thanks for telling me what I already knew. Who do you think invented capitalism, Hew-Mons? Spare me.

Dear Omniscient Pelgar
I have recently graduated from my university (one of the top law schools in England) with a good degree, but I can't find a decent job. I know I could find a low-grade job e.g. being a waiter, but given that I've got a prestigious degree, I would find that a bit humiliating. I'm familiar with the 109th Rule i.e. 'Dignity and an empty sack is worth a sack', but I'm only a hew-mon, and the rules were designed for Ferengi. What would you recommend I do - take a low grade job, or stay unemployed until I can find a graduate position? I'm not lazy or anything, I just feel I would really be under-achieving if I didn't get a decent position.
Yours grovellingly
Pathetic and micro-lobed hew-mon

Dear Hew-Mon,
Well, I've always said that when the going gets tough, the tough lower their standards. When you see an ambulance drive by, chase it.

Dear Pelgar,
I am a faithful reader of your writings, and am very glad that they are published in the Starfleet Times, however I never quite figured out why you, one of the greatest writers of all time, would be in prison. Please answer.
Lt. Com. Harris

Dear Hew-Mon,
Every few months I have to answer this question. A few years back I arrived on your planet with the wholesome and benevolent intentions of sharing some incredible investment opportunities with Hew-Mon senior citizens. For some inexplicable reason, I was jailed and indicted for "fraud" (how am I to know the elderly have a hard time reading microscopic fine print?) and my belongings were combed through, leading to various other charges I'm too proud to detail here. Let me just say that on my world, I'd be rewarded for what I've done, not jailed.

Dear wise and wonderful FAH-RING-AY,
I have just won two intellectual contests (First Place in each) and was wondering how I could profit from this. For instance, the trophies I was awarded are about two and one-half feet high. How much should I charge for people to pick them up and act as though they won it? Do you have any other suggestions about how I could profit from this? Please give me the benefit of your FAH-RING-AY knowledge.
Sincerely,
Some Hew-Mon out there somewhere

Dear Hew-Mon,
Okay. So. You're some "intellectual champion" and you don't know how to make money or spell Ferengi? Did these "contests" you "won" require some sort of entry fee?

Dear Pelgar:
Why do Ferengi have heads that look like Hew-mon butts? My guess is that it represents your intelligence as a species!
Commander Paul

Dear Hew-Mon,
You don't want to know what Hew-Mon heads look like. You really don't.

100110 Dumbo,
001100 111001 001110 001100 010111 111110
001111 110101 111001 001110 001100 111001
111001 000001 001100 111110 111001 001110
Yours,
110011 001100

Dear Bynars,
Go 010001 yourselves.

And finally, my Freak-of-the-Week:

Dear Pelgar,
Every Sunday I make myself up like a different Star Trek character (last Sunday was Neelix), and I wanted to make myself look like you next Sunday, but I don't know what your face looks like. I've been Quark for a day before, and Rom and Zek, but I want you to be different. Can you send me a better picture of your face so I can be just like you (just for a day!)?
Lieutenant Chameleon

Dear Lt. Chameleon,
No.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

Therefore, letters to Pelgar become the sole property of Paramount Pictures. By submitting your letter to Pelgar, you relinquish all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with your letter. Paramount Pictures reserves the right to edit and publish your letter to Pelgar at its sole discretion. You should note that Pelgar and Paramount Pictures do not accept unsolicited submissions for things such as story ideas, scripts and treatments and ask that you adhere to this policy. For further explanation about how your letter will be treated (including any unsolicited submissions for things such as script ideas), please consult the Submissions Policy described in our Terms of Use.

The above disclaimer is necessary due to the fact that Pelgar, given the opportunity, will steal and exploit your ideas and submissions.