K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Salutations Humans! It is my honor and privilege to confront your questions.

Dear K'Plett,
I am a senior in high school. In my shop class, veterinary assisting, I am one of 11 girls. We just got a new teacher this year about two months into the school year and we can't stand her. Our teacher before retired last year and we all miss her and wish she'd stayed for our senior year. The new teacher has a very different way of doing things and isn't certified as a teacher and has never taught a class before. She treats us like we're all 5 years old and does not respect us at all. We give her respect even though she doesn't give us any. We are going to graduate from the program not knowing anything we need to know to work as a vet assistant because she refuses to teach us most of it. She's a CVT (Certified Veterinary Technician) and believes you have to be that to draw vaccines and administer medications and other various things yet the law does not require the certification to do these things. Most the time we have in class is spent with her repeating everything and taking way too much time teaching us the stuff we need to learn so that we fall asleep. She doesn't treat us like we're 17 and 18, she treats us like we're 2nd graders. She also picks on certain students. If a certain group of us is late to class she yells at us while if others are she doesn't say anything. She singles some of us out and yells at us for nothing at all. She has ruined our senior year. As we only have about 30 days left we have no hope of covering the curriculum that we needed to. We know we can't do anything about it this year as it's too late to help ourselves but we are hoping to help the class to follow us next year so they may actually have a class where they can learn. Do you have any suggestions on how we can go about doing this?
Thank you for your help,
Sincerely,
The Warrior Dragon Princess

Dear Warrior Dragon Princess,
I suspect, if what you say is true, that your new teacher is simply a poor instructor. My suggestion would be to wait until you are outside of the punitive reach of this teacher (wait until you graduate), then write a letter or start a petition to her superiors focusing on what she lacks as a teacher, not on what she apparently lacks as a person. Concentrate on communicating her deficiencies as dispassionately as possible, so that it will be clear you're simply not writing because you have a bat'leth to grind. If it appears you simply don't like her personally, her superiors will assume it's just a case of personalities, and future classes will suffer. However, if you do this, you are taking steps to damage her career and strike a deep, personal blow. She may very well deserve this, but you should never draw a petition unless you intend to use it.

Honorable K'Plett,
I have a son who is almost 4 years old who is strong and intelligent. He is already developing a sense of honor. I believe he can grow up to be a great warrior, but I have a couple of concerns that you might be able to comment on. First, although he does like bacon, he eats almost no other meat except that nasty chopped and deep-fried domestic bird meat at the local fast food places. He also does not like to get his hands messy, and dealing with one's enemies can be a messy business. Should I be concerned about these quirks of his?
B'arB

Dear B'arB,
Work to expand his culinary horizons. One way of doing this is to show him that other children, especially younger children, have no trouble with new foods. Shame him into trying new things and while he may or may not thank you for it, he will be better off. As far as instructing him on how to get his hands dirty, try fingerpaints or clay sculpting, letting him truly work with his hands to accomplish something.

K'Plett,
List in order what you like best- pork chops, deep-fried and breaded pork chops, fried chicken, pork roast, or barbecued ribs?
Ambassadors Cook

Dear Ambassadors Cook,
Ah, must I choose? Is there some reason I cannot have gigantic plates of all the items you mention before me? Well, if I must choose, I choose the pork roast, followed by the deep-fried and breaded pork chops, then the (I assume, raw) pork chops and finally the fried chicken. This is not a slight against fried chicken, I merely prefer pork.

K'Plett,
Why didn't the Klingon Empire join the Dominion?
Moira F.

Dear Moira F.,
The Empire does not ally itself with treachery, and the Dominion would not be satisfied until the business of the Empire was decided in the Gamma Quadrant. We Klingons rule ourselves, we do not need any kind of shapeshifting overseers. It's not a club, it's not a league of planets, it's a Dominion. We will not be dominated.

dear kplett
my mom wants me to clean my room. but i dont want to. what is the honorable thing to do?
sincerely justin son of sondra

Dear Justin, son of Sondra,
Often we must do things we don't want to, for the sake of honor. There are many reasons to clean your room. First there is safety for yourself, any visitors and for your property. A clean room lessens the odds of someone tripping over a small toy and splitting their skull open and bleeding all over the carpet. Next, there is the shame and dishonor your house will endure should outsiders get a chance to see that pigsty. Finally, there is the hygienic aspect of keeping your room clean. If you allow things to get out of control, you might be faced with a foul-smelling organism that feeds upon your blood. It could happen. Clean your room.

Dearest K'Plett:
I am the Co-Captain of a Federation Ennex-Class Science Vessel, stationed on the border between the UFP and the Gorn Confederation. I share command of the vessel with a female Captain, whom I am quite attracted to at this present time. I have never had any... "romantic" relationships before now, and I am hoping to engage myself into one with my female associate. Please, oh Honorable One, give me your most noble and wise advice on how to go about starting a relationship of this sort?
Sincerely, Captain Tiberias of the U.S.S Nautilus

Dear Captain Tiberias,
First of all, relax. Don't get too worked up about this. Next, be aware of the larger perspective of your life. Few people are successful the first time they try something, so be aware that you are learning and chances are high that you will have many such trial-and-error relationships before you achieve your goal. I could be wrong, I hope that I am wrong, but don't take it too hard if things don't work out, just don't leave any experience without learning something. That said, I would move forward slowly and directly, being honest. Remember, you can't be shy and achieve your goals. I get letters from many who "like" someone but are afraid to show affection or make a move, for fear that the target "might think I like them!" That's the point! There's nothing to be ashamed of, if someone doesn't respond well to an earnest and honorable inquiry, they aren't the person you want, and they're not worth your time.

Dear K'Plett,
How can I, a weak little human, become a Klingon?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Even with surgery, you cannot be a Klingon, you were born a human. However, that does not mean you have to be a "weak, little" human. Being human doesn't prevent you from being honorable. You cannot change how nature has shaped you, but you can be your best. I know many humans who are heartier warriors and more honorable beings than certain Klingons. The only person you need to measure up against is yourself. Work to improve yourself and behave respectably and you can always look yourself in the mirror with dignity and satisfaction.

K'Plett:
I must say, I am surprised that many Humans take the advice of a Klingon. The Klingons are a very noble people, but they have been known for their stubbornness and impulsiveness as well. How is it that a member of such a dynamic race can give such true advice? Much of what you say is the same advice I give to my friends in hard times and tough situations. Stay rational and keep giving such great advice!
Long Live the House of K'Plett!
A Trekkie in California (not Pasadena, sorry)

Dear Trekkie in California,
As a Klingon, I attempt to represent my people with honor, but I am just an individual, and ultimately I represent only myself. Living amongst diplomats has given me insights many of my brethren might not have. This is not to say I do not have a history of stubborn and impulsive actions on my part, but I am somewhat older and (I hope) wiser than many younger Klingons. Imagine if I thought that all humans were represented by, say, the humans who appear on your news broadcasts!

Dear K'Plett,
Where could I get some Klingon Blood wine?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Didn't I already answer a letter from you? Anyways, many supermarkets carry bloodwine, but if you're near the Embassy, stop by Crazy K'Tran's on the corner and pick up some scratchers while you're at it. Ignore the panhandlers, they're mostly harmless.

SS'khall skha khsk khalko K'Plett
I am an adolescent Gorn male who is a Tzelot (brown for those who are unfamiliar), and I was born during the Gorn Kingdom's rule. My parents told me about the Confederation and now we have the Alliance! Two democracies and a monarchy! My friends don't just tease me for being a Tzelot either, but they say I'm a GK lover. Although I won three challenges with blood in my teeth (an old Gorn phrase meaning an absolute victory), they keep coming! I don't know what to do. I wonder where my loyalties lie. I love the old stories of Confederate Heroes, and the Holodeck simulations from the GK rock, but the Alliance has done so much politically. What should I do?
Stressed on Aman III

Dear Stressed on Aman III,
Don't listen to them, just be yourself. Remember that the adolescent years are the hardest and that millions, perhaps billions of Tzelots have endured these trials. Deep down, you know what's right and what's wrong. Politics may change, ideas come and go, but as long as you stay true to yourself and ignore foolish words spoken by fools, you will be fine.

Respectful greetings:
Sir, I, too, am one who much favors pork, particularly barbecued ribs. Truly, ribs are but the merest glimpse that we poor mortals can have of the rewards of the afterlife. But, I digress. Did you know that there is a product available here on Terra that is bacon in a portable form? Indeed, it is in a form INTENDED to be added to other foods!

It is marketed under many copyrighted tradenames, none of which I'll mention here, lest the Klingon diplomatic mission, and indeed, the Homeworld itself be swarmed with Ferengi lawyers, suing everything that moves, and much that doesn't. Suffice it to say that the words "bits" or "pieces" are a major part of the product name.

But think of it! One could add the ineffable flavor of bacon to ANY other food! Indeed, even beverages could benefit from this nigh-miraculous product! Why, one could even, (dare I say it?) use this product to flavor other pork products so that they, too, might also taste of bacon.

This bacon product is packaged in a small bottle, suitable to be carried in a pocket, so as to be available at a moment's notice to add the indescribable flavor and benefit of bacon to almost any foodstuff.

But, BEWARE! There is a similar product that is made from a PLANT called the soybean, and is merely synthetically flavored like bacon! Oh, foul perfidy! I weep that my people, my species, my world, would so perpetrate such an unspeakable deception!

K'Plett, my fellow gourmet, seek out this noble and miraculous bacon product for yourself. Experience the joy that comes from sipping the morning cup of ractigino or downing the evening's final cup of bloodwine that has been anointed with these minute fragments of real bacon.
I remain, ever your faithful reader,
Chris

Dear Chris,
Your eloquent and yes, heart-stirring words bring tears to this old warrior's eyes. I have found this precious bacon ambrosia, these bits of heavenly bacon nectar you spoke of. I cannot thank you enough. I have bacon in my mouth right now. From this moment forth, I shall have the flavor of bacon in everything. Let there be great rejoicing! Let there be bacon, bacon for all who wish it, and bacon substitute for those whose constitutions are sensitive to the intense power and majesty of true bacon. So let it be written, so let it be done.

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]