Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings, Incisively Brilliant Humans,

That was a joke.

You Hew-Mons think you're so smart. You send me letters with clever little "nicknames" to insult me with puns like "Repelgar" or "Smelgar" or really articulate and witty insults like "Big-Eared Loser," and, gosh, they're all so funny. Really. Someone get me an adult diaper, I'm losing control these are just so funny. Yawn.

So you know what? You people, you silly Hew-Mons with your rapier wits, I say give me more, I can take your best insults, your best ridiculous re-phrasings of my name. I'll print the best ones, and this way I can get you to do my work for me. So bring it on, you wretched buckets of foul-smelling, mediocrity-infested ignorance, let's see what you've got.

I will now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.

Dear Pelgar,
My Third in my first is most awful at sea,
Yet many outlive it, so therefore may we:
My first in my third is the charm of the wood
And type of whatever is noble and good:
Do you ask for my second? - I've mentioned it twice,
Nay, in these very lines you will meet with it thrice.
What am I?
sincerely,
__________ (my name is the answer to the riddle)

Dear Hew-Mon,
What are you? Someone with waaaaay too much time on your hands.

PS - Yes, yes, I know, I misspelled "way," but I did it for effect. Get over it.

hey pelgar,
wouldn't it be totally gnarf-o-riffic if the borg opened a burger bar? they could call it the borg's burger bar and they could use assimilated ferengi for burgers? yumyum eatthemallup yesnomaybeso
sincerly,
Ima Freak

Dear Hew-Mon,
Almost gnarf-o-riffic, but not quite. Maybe gnarf-o-licious if you add salt.

Dear Pelgar,
I named all my stuffed animals after you. Do you feel honored? You should, because I have sixty-three of them. At first I got very confused because I didn't know which Pelgar toy was which, since they all have the same name on their nametags. But then I came upon the perfect solution: I decided to change the name Pelgar slightly for each one, thereby making it easier for me to tell the difference between all my stuffed toys. I will tell you some of my favorite variations: Peel-gar, Pel-gore, Pool-gear, Pengalore, Pillgar and Pelgrrrrrr. I have only come up with twenty-two variations, which makes me scream in frustration. I was wondering if you had any other solution for my problem.
Thank you.
Meltina

Dear Hew-Mon,
I do have a solution to your problem, but it involves a therapist.

Hi Pelly, Peloton, Pel-meister:
This season of the year has me thinking warm and fuzzy thoughts, and as a result, I have a great idea for a new take on an old toy that while help to foster interstellar understanding and make a tidy profit on the side. All I have to do is remove the old platitudes it comes with and insert new ones, such as, "And the Klingon goes, 'Grunt.'" And the Borg goes, "Futile." And the Ferengi goes, "Dad, if you don't me pay every bar you owe me (including the daily compound interest, processing fees, and miscellaneous incidental expenses), you'll be out on the street faster than you can say 'foreclosure'... so get a move on."
Sweet, huh?
signed
My God, it's full of bars

Dear Hew-Mon,
I'm concerned about the part of your letter where you say "All I have to do..." You don't have to do anything, since I now own your idea. Did I say your idea? I meant my idea. You did read the fine print before you wrote me, didn't you?

Hey there Pelgar!
How's your cat? I haven't heard you talk about it in a while. Is it still alive? The other day I had a really good idea about your cat. You could use your ears for cat toys! It wouldn't hurt THAT much . . .
Heather

Dear Hew-Mon,
My cat, who many of you might remember, I've named Cat, already had the bright idea to use my lobes as a cat toy, but I have curbed him of this disturbing habit. My lobes are not for the amusement of a pet, I'm saving them for a special someone. I'll let you know who that is when I know.

Dear Pelgikins,
How are you my dear, sweet boy? Are those annoying Hew-Mons treating you ok? They must limit your mail because you haven't written me in months!!! If I don't hear from you soon, I'll disown you! By the way, I made sure to send you a bowl of fresh tube grubs and some clean underwear.
Love, Moogie.

Dear Mother,
How many times have I told you, don't bug me at work! I'll be home in five-to-ten, depending on my behavior.

Dear Pelgar,
Should I shove my foot in my mouth or drink boiling water?
T.W.I.D.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Hmm, that's a real conundrum isn't it? While I'd be happy if you did either, I'd be even more impressed if you did both. Let me know how it goes.

Dear Pelgar,
I find myself fondling my latinum for hours on end and randomly quoting from the Rules of Acquisition. This is interfering with my social life and my profits. Any advice would be gladly received and I will compensate you handsomely for your time when you get out of prison.
Jobok the Ferengi

Dear Jobok,
Ewww, didn't your mother ever warn you about fondling your latinum? You don't know where it's been! Or even worse, you DO know where it's been! That's quite an accomplishment; I'm in prison and you've made me feel... dirty.

Yo Pelgar What Up,
If Captain Picard were to wrestle Captain Kirk in a 50 foot tall steel cage for the United Federation Of Planets Championship who would win? Oh and the rules would be, no beaming out of the cage, and one captain has to pin the other captain, and no phasers alowed.
HEW-MON

Dear Hew-Mon,
From what I've been told, this Kirk guy is dead and buried under a big pile of rocks on some uninhabited planet. I suppose they could dig him up for a match, but Picard would win handily. Heck, even I could pin a dead guy buried under a pile of rocks. At least I could get him two out of three.

Dear You've Got Bigger Lobes Then Me,
If you think human lobes are small you should take a look at Prince Charles' lobes. In today's newspapers they take up nearly a third of the picture taken. I hope this might change your mind on at least one particular human.
From
Lil' Lobes

Dear Hew-Mon,
Yeah, yeah, I get one of these letters a week, but you can't convince me that this "Prince Charles" guy's lobes are real. I mean come on. I was born at night, just not last night.

Pelgar-
You are a bad excuse for a Ferengi. You spend too much money and you use old federation black market stuff. You have to look out the window of your ship to see something as big as a planet 'cause your sensors are so bad you could not detect it if you had landed on it. My Klingon Vorcha Attack Cruiser could blow your ship up with one torpedo as your shields are so weak. You annoy the Humans and so trade with the Romulans! The Klingon Empire is watching you now so watch your back, you may find a torpedo on it!
An Honorable Klingon Captain who will blow your head off with a disruptor!

Dear Klingon Idiot,
Oh, I'm so scared. Yikes, I'm trembling in fear. Please, you so-called warriors make me laugh, you've got an interstellar empire and you still haven't discovered deodorant. Go eat some pork, why don't you? Listen, I'm in Federation prison, so I'm under their protection. Yeah, yeah, I've heard all that "Ooooh, just you wait until you get out, I'll get you then," garbage from that tubby embassy grunt K'Plett. You want a piece of me? Get in line.

Dear Pelgar,
I am stuck in a dead end job, watching everyone around me get promoted. My boss told me that I didn't have a nose for business. So I had my nose enlarged. It didn't help. Then I heard a Ferengi say that he didn't have the ears for business. So I had my ears enlarged. Now I am a big nosed big eared freak of a Hew-mon stuck in a dead end job! Oh wise Ferengi who is wrongly imprisoned can you help me?

Dear Hew-Mon,
Ummm. Nope. Can't help. On second thought, try having the rest of you enlarged to match your nose and ears.

Dear Mr. Big-Eared!
I WANT TO BE A FREAK OF THE WEEK!!!!
AND I STILL THINK NO DOUBT ROCKS!!!!
Sincerely,
NO DOUBT FAN!

Dear Hew-Mon,
Sorry, being a No Doubt fan only makes you a freak for 15 minutes. Take a gander at this week's Freak of the Week to see what a true freak is all about.

Dear Pelgar,
If a whompshwhomp sits down how long is a bingbang going to stand? If a cactolope was to grow on your head would it humhum? If you saw a jagualarga would it be standing in ningnang? How many years does it take to become a Bananarama? On Ferenginar do bubbles jinglejammer? How many snow flakes does it take to build a shimmerang? Can you tell me how fast an ephalump can run? Do all people stand on rippertippers? If ivonnamamana was to visit how much fungnun will she bring you? Is it true that Klingons kiss sumyunguys? I just thought I'd ask.
A strange human And let me tell all of you, just because this week I decide that someone who makes up words is a freak, that doesn't mean I want to read a lobeload of letters filled with new and inventive words. Fair? Hardly, but it's my column, not yours.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

Therefore, letters to Pelgar become the sole property of Paramount Pictures. By submitting your letter to Pelgar, you relinquish all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with your letter. Paramount Pictures reserves the right to edit and publish your letter to Pelgar at its sole discretion. You should note that Pelgar and Paramount Pictures do not accept unsolicited submissions for things such as story ideas, scripts and treatments and ask that you adhere to this policy. For further explanation about how your letter will be treated (including any unsolicited submissions for things such as script ideas), please consult the Submissions Policy described in our Terms of Use.

The above disclaimer is necessary due to the fact that Pelgar, given the opportunity, will steal and exploit your ideas and submissions.