K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Dear K'Plett,
I was wondering, when the Starship Voyager is in trouble, and there was dangerous work to be done, why didn't the crew use holograms such as the Doctor to do this dangerous work?
glock64

Dear glock64,
Because holographic workers can only exist where there are holo-emitters. I've heard rumors that Voyager's Doctor had some sort of "portable holo-emitter," but I refuse to buy into such far-fetched science-fiction fantasies. In the real world, emitters need to be installed by flesh and blood beings before holographic laborers can lift a finger.

Dear K'Plett,
I need some advice in the romance section. I was seeing this great girl, and then my friend came along and took her away from me! I think I need your honorable advice as to what I should do. I DON'T want to kill him, even though that would be kinda cool. What should I do that won't embarrass me too much?
Federation ship buff

Dear Federation ship buff,
First, this "friend" is clearly no friend, and this "great girl" isn't so great if she'd so casually drop you for your friend! You can do better than to have these duplicitous targs in your life! Don't be embarrassed, be happy and forget about them. Ignore them and move on to better friends.

K'Plett,
In response to all of the men who write asking how one goes about "asking out" certain girls- As a girl myself, I feel qualified to tell them that they should just do it. Just ask the question and to ensure success, follow it with a romantic outing and of course chocolate. This will work on most single females.
Rochelle J.

Dear Rochelle J.,
While like combat, nothing completely and 100% ensures success every time, but your point is well taken. Just remember to be honest and earnest when asking someone out. Be yourself and be confident. Thanks, Rochelle.

Dear K'Plett,
I'm an annoyed British human. Americans keep insulting our British honour in their primitive human broadcasting devices (TV, Films, etc.) I demand this to end or phasers may, be drawn.
Captain AJ.

Dear Captain AJ,
Ah, British Humans, who practice dentistry the Klingon way. While I am loathe to take sides in any clearly intra-Human conflicts, I have to suggest that if you take offense to a broadcast, you should be bold enough to turn it off. And would your two peoples please get together and decide upon one common spelling of "honor" or "honour?"

Honorable K'Plett,
Has anyone ever told you about Earth musical instruments? There are many worthy of admiration. Specifically, I am curious if you have ever heard of the "trombone" or if you have ever had the invigorating experience of playing one. The instrument itself is made of metal, with a long slide that is used to adjust pitch. The noble trombone produces a deep, strong sound, and can be played quite loudly. And, when the need arises, one can use the aforementioned slide as a weapon, especially if a sharp device is placed on the tip.

I believe that you would greatly enjoy playing this instrument, if you have not already. It is truly a warrior's horn.
Respectfully,
Trombonist

Dear Trombonist,
This "trombone," equipped as you suggested, sounds formidable and intimidating on the battlefield. Imagine thousands upon thousands of warriors with trombones. I salute anyone who can play a musical instrument. Not only is it important to dedicate yourself to learning a skill, it also helps to learn how to play as a part of a larger unit, playing with other musicians much the same way an athlete plays with teammates or a warrior relies upon his comrades in battle.

Dear K'Plett,
Salutations to you most wise one. Please tell me if Klingons like to dance. If you do, what kind of dances? Salsa? Modern? Some cultural mating dance? I would like to know. Thank you oh brave and strong one.
Sincerely,
Captain Laura T.

Dear Captain Laura T.,
After I read your letter I realized I had not explored this aspect of Human culture. I have attempted to learn several dance styles, including ballroom, salsa and tap, but was only successful in inspiring laughter from my late instructor. Don't ask. But my latest instructor has had more success in teaching me specific moves, such as the "Twist," the "Running Man" and "Lambada" - the Forbidden Dance of Love.

Dear Wise and Honorable K'Plett,
I am in love with my friend! She means so much to me and I DO plan to tell her. In fact, I WAS about to tell her, when one of her friends came along. I have been trying ever since to tell her how much she means to me, for she means much more to me, as Pork would for you. I NEED HELP!! I know you will say for me to muster up my strength, but she is, different. SHE IS ALSO A TREKKIE!! So I think I will need a little bit more help from Klingon Advice. PLEASE HELP!
Cmdr. Al

Dear Cmdr. Al,
Tell her to read this column. So, if any girls were told to read this column by a shy friend of theirs... get the picture? Now you know. Whatever you choose to do about it, be nice, I'm helping out a friend.

K'Plett,
Your wisdom is great. I am 11 year's old, I am starting high school. There are many trouble makers in my class and school. Some people in my year taunt me and make my blood boil as they know I can't fight back (there physical strength is greater than mine). Diplomacy means nothing to them and I would simply humiliate myself in battle also when I go to tell the teachers there is no proof of there taunts and attacks, this is also the case with my parents. Am I just a loser in a dead end situation? What should I do about these bullies?
Cap

Dear Cap,
You are not a loser. If you are starting high school at age 11, you are quite ahead of others your age and are young compared to your classmates. Part of being a canny warrior is knowing when and where to choose your battles. Ultimately, these years mean very little in the larger scheme of things, and you seem destined for greater things than most of your classmates. Keep remembering the fact that at every high school reunion for the rest of your life, you'll always be younger than they are, and (if you work hard and don't let yourself get distracted by foolish battles) you'll be more successful and happier than they are. And that is the most satisfying victory of all.

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]