K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings, Buoyant Humans,

This weekend is a great holiday of eating for many of you Humans, while other amongst you celebrate a great holiday by fasting. I choose to eat, so those of you who are fasting may send your food to the Klingon Embassy and I shall deal with it.

In any case, the Klingon Ambassador and all of us here at the Embassy pass on best wishes for the holiday season, regardless on what holidays you may be celebrating.

I shall now confront your questions.

Dear K'Plett
I am really stuck with this question. Which came first the chicken or the egg?
Signed by
THE GREATEST KOSHER PORK CHEF AROUND

Dear GKPCA,
You must continue to be stuck with this question as I have no idea. Chickens and eggs are not my area of expertise, and quite frankly, they are completely unimportant when compared to the glory and breathtaking grandeur of pork, as I'm sure you know.

Honourable K'Plett
I write to you with great dismay, as I read over and over again of 'honor', yet never of 'honour'. Being British I, of course, include the u, yet in your column I only ever see the word spelt the American way. This troubles me. Tell me, have the Klingon High Council decided that the US spelling is better? If so, I should like to ask why? Or is there just a problem with my Universal Translator?
m'iKE

Dear m'iKE,
Perhaps this is because Honor is something that includes all of us, not just you. As I have been told many times, "There is no 'you' in 'honor'." Wait a moment, I think that was "There is no 'I' in 'team'," but there is an "M-E" in team, if you change the letters around. I am now confused and unable to answer your question.

Most Honorable Warrior:
I am in need of advice. I am actively pursuing a female. We eat at restaurants, in which she does not talk very much. She eats lightly (mainly because she does not wish to drain my currency, although that is never a problem; secondarily because she perceives she weighs too much, in my perception I will wager that the scale never registers her presence), so her mouth is never too full to preclude talking. I talk to her, and I leave ample opportunity for her to reply. I ask, and she answers mostly in one word. I know nothing about her except for her parents' names (which I divined from a public directory), and that she was born nearby. She talks about how her day was at work, and that's it. I know for a fact that she is not shy, since we have seen each other for over a year. Any advice on how to get her to open up more?
Lieutenant L., U.S.S. Concordium

Dear Lieutenant L.,
It sounds as if you're simply not a very good match for each other. There is no shame in discovering that two parties are simply of different temperaments or personalities. I would advise asking her about the situation, it's possible that she quietly thinks you talk too much and are too open. Perhaps you would both be happier choosing other paths. Discuss this with her, it would be pointless to continue if you are not happy with how you interact.

Honorable K'Plett
I'm a 22-year old student living in northern Sweden. I have always felt that I have a connection to tools I use. Because of that I always get tools that will, hopefully, live as long as I do. Recently I bought a large axe specially made for chopping wood (the head is not as thin as ordinary axes thus forcing the wood to split much easier). The blacksmiths initials are "carved" on the head and I feel a great sense of pride when using it. A friend living in Asia doesn't understand me and thinks that it's better to get something cheap that does the job, at least for a while. What are your thoughts about this? Do Klingons have a special connection to their tools and/or weapons?
Respectfully
Thor

Dear Thor,
Indeed! There is a simple yet profound satisfaction in using special tools, especially ones that I have had a hand in forging. For a recent diplomatic function I attended with the ambassador, we had to learn how to use Human eating utensils, instead of the traditional (not to mention easier) method of simply using our hands. The "fork" I was given was tiny and dainty, not the eating utensil of a warrior. I took my fork and beat it upon the ground with the heel of my boot until its tines had splayed out in interesting and crooked angles, making it distinctively mine and mine alone. I wiped it off on the tablecloth and proceeded to eat, satisfied that I had created a tool worthy of my Klingon appetites.

Dear K'Plett
What does Sto-Vo-Kor mean in human?
Capton Lantz

Dear Capton Lantz,
The exact words don't translate, but Sto-Vo-Kor is where all honorable Klingon warriors go when they die. Your Human "Heaven" or "Paradise" are rough equivalents, although it seems much easier to get in, depending on which Human you ask.

Dear K'Plett,
I recently met a friend who I've known for 2 years, but only seen once on a holiday. He's become very cute in these 2 years and he seemed interested in me, but he didn't ask me out or something, and I'm too shy to ask him, so I was wondering: What do Klingons do when they're crazy about someone, but they're too shy to ask the person? I guess Klingons have to go through some kind of puberty and I suppose it's not easy for them to deal with they're feelings and be honorable at the same time.
Thanx, and bye,
A Desperate Puber

Dear Desperate Puber,
If you are too shy, you lose. You will have to choose your mate only from those who ask, and you miss out on those you would like to ask. Klingons will not be shy, so you either have the courage to take control of your own love life, or you wait around to see who will ask you out. I respectfully suggest that you make choices that will insure you have a better chance of getting what you want. You could create a situation where you end up alone with this interesting fellow and see what happens. But if you let an opportunity slip away, all you've done is let an opportunity slip away.

Dear K'Plett
What is your opinion of American Football (The NFL)? I think it's almost Klingon-like.
Talya, A fan of both Star Trek and sports.

Dear Talya,
Your American football indeed has its moments of glorious battle, but I find the games far too slow to hold my interest. For every minute of bone-crunching action, there seems to be around ten minutes of standing around while idiots in loud colored jackets only a Ferengi could design prattle and whine about statistics and bray such profound statements as "The purpose of the defense is to keep the other team from scoring" and "Well, Bob, the team that scores the most points is going to win."

dere kilogon fish fase thats but ugly
the USS tornato has gon back in time to world war 2 and has bin taken over by a nazi army that have got to the year 2388 and are attacking the klingon homeworld.
a roman legonarrie

Dear Human,
I do not understand your strange and disturbing letter. Next.

Honorable K'Plett:
I have a very good friend of two years whom I am in love with, and yet she does not return this feeling. She has a tendency to date people who treat her very dishonorably and she knows that I would treat her exactly the opposite. What should I do?
Rog'Hills

Dear Rog'Hills,
Clearly, she has personal issues, and so do you. Be honest with yourself and recognize that your "friendship" is based (from your end) more on your attraction to her. You should either give up your attraction and remain her friend or inform her that you're looking for a mate and must either pursue her or move on to another female. This is being honest with her, and if she's not interested, you can move on and not have to watch as she continues her self-destructive ways.

Honorable K'Plett,
What would you do if an enormous table of pork and bacon appeared in front of you?
Seren L.

Dear Seren L.,
I would eat it, of course. The pork and bacon, that is, not the table. Unless the table itself were made of pork and bacon. Mmmm, pork and bacon...

Dear Most Honorable K'Plett,
I am disabled from the legs down. How will I earn honor in battle and earn my way to Sto-Vo-Kor from a wheelchair??
Grounded for life

Dear Grounded for life,
A warrior is measured by his accomplishments, taking obstacles into account. Being brave and behaving with honor is not something exclusive. Many people who are "100%" behave despicably. Be true to yourself, be true to your tasks and you will be fine.

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]