Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings, Itchy, Dry Hew-Mons,

Some of my fellow prisoners would like to "give a shout out" to their loved ones, and I'm charging a modest fee for this invaluable service.

From Kolrewth to Maglur: "Who's the Breen? You're the Breen!"
From Hir'Nikou to Screb: "I'm okay, I'll be home soon."
From Burko to Rudy: "You're keeping my stuff while I'm in here, right?"
From Hargon to Vorntak: "Take care of the witnesses."
From Gifyrx to Yorgak: "I know where you live and the route you take home from work."

If anyone out there would like a message relayed to a prisoner here on the inside, send it to me and I'll pass it along. For a modest fee, or course.

I will now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.

Dear Pelgar,
What's up with the stupid black lines on Enterprise? They're cutting off the tops and bottoms of the show! I know it's supposed to be "arty" and look like a movie, but I want to see what they're cutting out at the top and bottom! I want my Star Trek square again, not a rectangle! How can I change this?
Outraged Hew-Mon

Dear Hew-Mon,
Okay, you want to make it look like other shows? Easy. Take two strips of black electrical tape and put them vertically on either side of the set, so that your picture is square again.

Dear Pelgar,
Although I am only a freshman in High School, I have already decided that after graduating, I would like to go to college at the Air Force Academy. I have told others of my decision, and I get sarcastic remarks, and am questioned about my decision. I love challenges, and find that this would be an incredible challenge I would love to take on, while keeping up my family tradition. What should I tell these people who make sarcastic remarks? I may be a puny headed, stupid Hew-mon for asking this question, but I would really like to know what to do!
Sincerely,
Erica

Dear Hew-Mon,
Here's what you do. Next time these people making the sarcastic remarks give you a hard time, burst into tears and collapse into a heap and sob on for hours and hours about how much they've ruined your life. Don't let them get a word in edgewise, just howl and scream and pound your fists on the ground until they go away. That'll teach them.

Dear "big P",
If dolphins are so smart, how come they live in igloos?
stupid question man

Dear Hew-Mon,
I never said dolphins were smart.

nuqneh, Pelgar
ghuy'cha'! petaQ! QI'yaH! Qovpatlh! Qu'vatlh! taHqeq! ToDSaH! yIntagh! hab SoSlI' Quch!!!!
Qapla,
Khantar

Dear Hew-Mon,
What?

Hello,
Can you place tell me which would be better: Owning a bar or a moon? Please include an explanation with profit and risk analysis for each.
Thanks
Faekitten

Dear Hew-Mon,
A profit and risk analysis can be done only when you have all the facts. Where is this "moon?" Wheere is this "bar?" The three most important factors when making such decisions, in both real estate and in running a small business are, in order: location, location and yes, location. If this moon or this bar happen to be off in some empty lifeless void near a dangerous black hole, then they're worthless. It's all about the location. Duh.

Dear Pelgar,
The recent state of the economy on Earth is causing the value of my investments and mutual funds to plummet. Being an emissary from a society that is superior in the ways of finance and money, could you impart some wisdom as to what I should do with my investment portfolio?
Kindest regards,
Dennis K.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Certainly. Start investing off world.

Dear Pelgar
Why do you give bad advice to the people that send letters to you?
Capton Lantz

Dear Hew-Mon,
Because good advice doesn't come for free.

Dear Idiotic Ferengi,
I was doing some reading on your old columns and one column caught my eye. It was your 11-21-00 column. You responded to a letter about marriage, and in the end you responded with a fragment, "So there!", to be exact. If you rely on proper spelling and gramatics why do you choose to use a fragment when that is clearly a gramatical error of your own.
Sincerelly,
A Ferengi Smarter Than You

Dear Hew-Mon,
Terribly sorry, let me correct myself. So there, idiot.

Dear Pelgar,
I have a relative in Ohio that is in somewhat of a strange connection to me. She is my father's brother's wife's mother. What does that make her?
Confused in SF

Dear Hew-Mon,
That would make her a complete stranger unless you hit the lottery, in which case it make her your new best friend. Remember, she is from Ohio.

Dear Pelgar,
Beware of the tobacco moon, for it will devour the tattered remains of Santa's eighteenth reindeer of death, destruction, poverty, and the overall well being of chipmunks.
Chipmunk Boy

Dear Chipmunk Boy,
You know, if I had a strip of latinum for every time I've heard that...

Dear Pelgar,
I am writing to you because this week I did something that made several of my peers mad at me. I followed Starfleet's rules of conduct as well as my school's "honor code" and told the teacher about a cheating ring that had been going on since the beginning of the semester. While no one was supposed to know the I was the one who exposed them, I had warned them to stop several times and thus was the prime suspect. Now I feel guilty for being a "tattle-tail" but I do not believe that it was fair for them to cheat when the rest of the class was working hard and earning their grades. Normally I would send this to K'plett but he's so predictable on such topics besides being very annoying. I humbly thank you for your time.
Faith, One Who Submits to Pelgar

Dear Hew-Mon,
Since you won't write the Klingon, let me give you the answer you want to hear. Blowing the whistle on others can get you a bad reputation, it's true, but in the end you're simply eliminating the competition, right? Don't think of it as "doing the right thing," think of it as "weeding out the opposition." Of course, don't tell anyone here in my prison I told you that...

Dear Pelgar,
I have had my designers at Utopia Planetia develop a new class of starship. It is called the Whitestar class. It looks just like a sovereign class vessel, however it is roughly the size of an Intrepid class vessel. It is a heavy warship, armed with transphasic torpedoes, ablative armor, trans-harmonic shielding, and the advanced phaser system that Voyager brought back, but could not adapt. It also is equipped with a multi-vector assault mode, temporal scanners, and a new transportation technology, in which you can punch a hole through subspace, and use a tachyon embedded tractor beam to create a worm hole to your selected coordinates. And what is best about this new ship, is that it costs 1/3 of what it takes to build a Defiant class vessel. The only problem is that Starfleet has refused to fund the project, saying that with the defeat of the Borg and the threat it is not in the Federation's best interest to start production on a new warship. However, I disagree. If you are interested in helping to finance the project, or know anyone who is, please let me know.
Looking forward to a new partnership,
Admiral Brett C.,
Utopia Planetia Fleet Yards

Dear Hew-Mon,
Hey! I've got this great idea for a magical flying ferret that rubs his own belly and makes all my dreams come true! Maybe I can get Starfleet to make more of these magical flying ferrets! Look, "Admiral," the Federation doesn't "fund" anything. They dedicate resources. They're working on that whole mamby-pamby, touchy-feely "no money" plan, so my guess is that they told you that to spare your feelings. If these "plans" of yours held any water, they'd be all over it, so I suspect they looked at your proposal and managed not to laugh as they told you they "couldn't fund it."

Dear Pelgar,
How can I make my head bigger so I can look more like a Ferengi?
Tired of Being Hew-Mon

Dear Hew-Mon,
The trick is not to try to make your head bigger, it's to shrink the rest of your body, thus giving the illusion of a large head.

Mr. Pelgar,
What is your problem with "Hew-mons" what did we do to you, do you have some wierd need to downput us? Or are you covering up for envey?
Aims

Dear Hew-Mon,
Downput? What the heck is that? Downput?! Forget the fact that simple, 4-5 letter words like "weird" and "envy" are too tough for you to spell correctly, what kind of fantasy world do you live in where you can just make up words like that? What's next, I'm supposed uphang my jacket? Offkick the football? Atlaugh you?

Pelgar:
By switching the letters around in your name, you get GALREP.
How embarrassing for you.
Mike

Dear Hew-Mon,
Yeah, but it beats "Ikme."

I AM FREAK OF THE WEEK!
I AM FREAK OF THE WEEK!!
EVERYWHERE I GO, PEOPLE STOP AND SAY
HEY FREEEEEAAAAKKKK!!!
I BE THE FREAK!
LOLOLOLOLOL..YOU'RE A STUPID FERENGI WITH NO FASHION SENSE!!!
LOVE,
THE F.A. FREAK FROM MI

Dear Hew-Mon,
Sorry, but you're simply not freakish enough to be Freak-of-the-Week. I have no doubt that you're regarded by anyone who sees you as a legitimate Freak, but that doesn't hold enough weight with me to bestow the coveted Freak-of-the-Week status on you.

Here, take a look at how it's done by a rightful and certified genuine Freak-of-the-Week:

Dear Pelgar,
Bwaaaah, Pelgar, I have a problem with my invis-dibble monkey, Herbert. He accidentally pushed me off a cliff, threw me out of a window, hit me with a golf club...each twice! Herbert acts as if he doesn't love me anymore but I know he does because he always throws his green cheese at me! What to do? Ouch, Herbert, don't hit me on the head with that!!!!!!!!
Sir Talks a Lot

Dear Hew-Mon,
Congratulations, you out-Freaked them all.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

Therefore, letters to Pelgar become the sole property of Paramount Pictures. By submitting your letter to Pelgar, you relinquish all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with your letter. Paramount Pictures reserves the right to edit and publish your letter to Pelgar at its sole discretion. You should note that Pelgar and Paramount Pictures do not accept unsolicited submissions for things such as story ideas, scripts and treatments and ask that you adhere to this policy. For further explanation about how your letter will be treated (including any unsolicited submissions for things such as script ideas), please consult the Submissions Policy described in our Terms of Use.

The above disclaimer is necessary due to the fact that Pelgar, given the opportunity, will steal and exploit your ideas and submissions.