K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Salutations Humans!

I very much enjoyed your holiday "Halloween," and have just recovered enough to return to writing this column.

First off, I would like to thank the following for sending me excellent ideas for costumes: Alex, Jean M., olovine001, Captain Outlander Blackgut, Traci from Ohio, A Vulcan, Peter A. Rabbit, Binars 110101100 and 001010011, Lt. Commander Marie, Raphael P., Spaci, David P.W., Going as Madonna, Odo, Zach, Scared of the Milkman, Matt, Captain Alex, Maltz, Nine of Nine, Ignored by Pelgar, Deathmaiden, The Big Bad Wolf, Commander, Brennan M., G'Oto, Iceman, Don't Feed Vulcans, Starfleet Marine Corp Recruit, Johanan R., Naomi G., Ishmael, Luke, An Avid Reader, Joshua S., Mike son of Terrence, Becky, M. Kelly, Jay, Suzannah, Shaun, House of John, Captain T'pock, Tony H., Liv Long, Reiluna, Sky, Darkstarprime, D'man in Nebraska, Diana de la R., Uncle Steve, Richard K., Lisa and finally, Mr. Harry Mudd Jr. My apologies to anyone I left off this list.

After reading all of the ideas and researching the nature of this "Halloween," I decided that scaring my fellow Klingons was important, so I took the collective advice of Painkilla, Captain Severin, Lycoris, The Icy Chameleon, Tx Pn'Gwin, West, M. Fortin and Robin and dressed myself up as a Tribble. The hated and despicable creatures are quite simple to impersonate for a Klingon of my proportions.

My fellow warriors were indeed fooled by my clever disguise. So much so that when I entered the party, the cacophony of shrieks was deafening and I was set on by a hulking warrior dressed as the Human shepherd "Little Bo Peep," and several of his larger sheep and beaten severely.

It was the best Halloween ever.

But enough about me. I will now confront your questions.

Dear K'Plett,
I am a Klingon teen living on Earth. I have had my appearance altered, and I have taken on a human name, but I am undeniably not human. This causes many problems, considering that what we, as Klingons, find as honorable, they do not. They are deceptive, almost as much as Romulans. And they contradict themselves! They say not to do something, then they say to do it-- or else they do it themselves! For example, they say war is bad. Their petty wars have little honor, so I see why. Yet even at this moment they are at war!! You are said to be as wise as Kahless, so how can I deal with these humans honorably, without uncasing my bat'leth?
Matt, son of Ki'ghKa

Dear Matt, son of Ki'ghKa,
War can be glorious, but only for those who choose to go to war. In the history of the galaxy, most beings impacted by war, unfortunately, are those who have it thrust upon them, ordinary citizens who did not start a conflict inevitably are forced to contend with the horrors of war.

In terms of your own problem with the seeming hypocrisy of Humans, they are a diverse species. Some are attracted to conflict while others shun it. You cannot apply one rule to all Humans (or Klingons or Vulcans, for that matter). You must learn to look at Human events and opinions on an individual, case-by-case basis. Some Humans are indeed dishonorable or hypocritical, but not all of them.

Dear K'Plett,
I like this girl, but she doesn't like me. How can I change this Klingon-like?
some1

Dear some1,
I don't know enough of your situation to tell you how to change this girl's opinion, but perhaps you should re-evaluate your own feelings in this matter. Why would you choose to like a girl who doesn't like you? Is that perhaps an easy way to avoid exploring relationships? To desire the unobtainable? Many Humans are blinded by a pretty head of hair or a nice set of teeth, and they overlook the essentials of compatibility. If you like this girl, then why do you want to change her? Wouldn't it be easier to find a girl you don't have to change?

Dear K'Plett
I am a Human warrior who values honor. However there one in a chat room I frequent who calls me a coward. What should I do Honorable one. I am tired of this fool's ridicule. I have courageously fought many battles to keep my people free of the rule of an evil Tyrant. I know I am honorable and courageous. I will not back down until my enemy is defeated.
Link the Hylian

Dear Link the Hylian,
What is so important about this chat room that you cannot simply go elsewhere? I have tried my hand at this form of communication, and I find it very frustrating. You cannot read a tone of voice, nor can you look someone in the eye and make them repeat an insult. I have found that the culture of these chat rooms is very much like a schoolyard with prattling children. Insults are exchanged with great tedium and anyone who tries to make an intelligent comment is drowned by the clamor of idiots, and no one is truly accountable for their words. If it pleases you to continue to rail against these "chatters," then so be it, but don't expect these fools to change.

K'Plett.
You are an honorable warrior whose courage, bravery and strength is an encouragement to us all, but I fear that my courage is pitiful in finding a mate. Share some of your wisdom.
Jeff

Dear Jeff,
Not all tests of spirit and character take place on the battlefield. The process of finding a mate is a quest, and can be a long, arduous task. You must forge ahead and do your best. Asking girls out can be daunting, I know, but billions of Humans before have managed to find that courage. And then if the answer is "no" or if the date doesn't go well, you will have to begin the process all over again. It's not easy, but it is the way of your people. Look around in your life, there are always plenty of dishonorable slugs that have partners, surely you're capable of accomplishing anything they can.

Dear K'Plett
Are you aware that the sea monkeys in my fish tank and Pelgar are plotting against you???? I overheard one of them mention sending you Bacon Strips laced with arsenic. I wouldn't eat Bacon for a while If I were you.
Thorian Minister of Security

Dear Thorian Minister of Security,
I would not choose to live without Bacon. There, I've said it. I feel no shame in admitting my deep love, passion and ultimate respect for Bacon. I shall have our security division provide me with enough scanning equipment to ensure that every strip of Bacon I eat is devoid of arsenic. I could avoid all Bacon out of fear, but that would only give the plotters what they want - to deprive me of the goodness of Bacon. I shall not succumb to fear.

Dear K'Plett,
In the English alphabet, g comes right after f. Is it any coincidence, then, that "good" and "food" share most letters in common, and the ones they do not share are next to each other? What more proof does one need that "food" = "good"?
Warrior at Heart

Dear Warrior at Heart,
Indeed, you are truly wise.

Dear K'Plett the mighty warrior,
Being so in love with Klingon society I went out of my way, last week, to have cranial implants inserted into my forehead out of respect for your race. Unfortunately it all went wrong now it looks like I have a very bizarre Cornish pasty strapped to my head. I wish I had listened to your earlier advice and known that to be Klingon is in the heart.
Honor and all that jazz
K'Plunk

Dear K'Plunk,
I have nothing to add to your comments, you have learned your lesson. Let K'Plunk's pain and suffering serve as a warning to any and all about the inherent dangers of trying to change your exterior without looking first at what's inside.

K'Plett:
I have written to you before and still seek your wisdom. My physical health is poor because I have an Old Earth disease called cancer. I am seeking medical attention, and also am seeing a therapist for help in dealing with my feelings. Is this the honorable thing to do? Am I wrong to feel fear at this stage of my life? I only wish to be a warrior, full of strength and courage. Right now, I feel like a Ferengi.
Name Withheld By Request

Dear Name Withheld,
You are in no way wrong to have these feelings. I personally cannot imagine what you're going through, but I do know that there are indeed people out there familiar with trials such as yours who can help, and that your feelings are not those of a Ferengi. Extreme situations breed extreme feelings, and I strongly encourage you to seek the counsel of other Humans who have more wisdom in such matters than I. It is never wrong or dishonorable to feel fear - without fear there can be no courage. How you manage your fears is what defines you as a warrior.

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]