Pelgar is an independent writer, formerly working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings, Abrasive Hew-Mons,

Today is the day you Hew-Mons put silly costumes on your tall bodies and small heads and cavort about like idiots. But every fiasco has a gold-pressed lining, as this peculiar holiday has a profit component - free candy! You Hew-Mon's hand out candy to masked strangers! Where's the profit in that? I'll tell you where? two words - Candy resales. That's right, a cunning entrepreneur stands to make millions.

All you have to do is visit the millions of homes offering free candy and then turn around and sell that candy to dentists, who will distribute the candy to their patients. Now get to work!

I will now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.

Dear Pelgar
Who in their right mind would put a money-grabbing airhead on the Internet?
Anonymous

Dear Hew-Mon,
The same faceless cabal that puts money-grabbing airheads on television, radio, film and political office. Face it, Hew-Mon there are secret societies dedicated to the sole purpose of ticking you off.

Dear Pelgar:
Are you Bootylicious?
Signed,
Raglep "The Grand Nagus of Booty Shakers"

Dear Hew-Mon,
I'm honored that you chose to name yourself after my name, spelled backwards. And yes, according to unbiased and objective sources, I am indeed Bootylicious.

Dear Pelgar:
How is it that Ferengi went from wearing furs and carrying whips to wearing the best looking suits in the galaxy? Was the fur thing just a trend? Or were those unfortunate Ferengi out of step with the times?
Commander Ben A.

Dear Hew-Mon,
Out of step with the times? Hardly! We Ferengi have always been on the cutting edge, the vanguard of fashion. And before you start getting on my case about the fur, what makes you think it's actual fur from animals? Maybe, maybe not. You won't get the secrets of Ferengi fashion out of me no matter what you do!

Dear Pelgar:
Many of my peers mistake me for a Ferengi. No, I (unfortunately) don't have a freakishly oversized head combined with a disturbingly disproportionate body which makes me look like a candy apple; I'm just a really, REALLY greedy person who takes every opportunity to make a little profit. I've been studying the Rules of Acquisition in order to increase my profit, but I'm confused by rules #21 and 22: "Never place friendship before profit" and "Never place profit before friendship", respectively. Now, I'm no financial genius like you, but those 2 rules really contradict each other. How can you follow one without going against the other? And why would such an advanced society as that of Ferenginar have a constitution which contradicts itself? How can the Ferengi (or we aspiring Ferengi) be expected to follow all the rules exactly? I'd appreciate any light you can shed on this very serious difficulty.
Sincerely,
I. M. Greedy

Dear Hew-Mon,
I don't know who's been selling you inaccurate Rules of Acquisition, but I'd like to shake his hand. Rule #21 is indeed "Never place friendship before profit," but Rule #22 is "A wise man can hear profit in the wind." Obviously a wise man heard on the wind that foolish, greedy Hew-Mons would love to believe that the Ferengi could possibly put friendship before profit and sold you a lame bill of goods. Silly Hew-Mon! The Rules of Acquisition are for Ferengi!

PELGAR!!!
Iknowyoustolemyspacebar!! Ifyoudon'tgiveitbackIwillfindyouandstealyourspacebar!
Signed,
Spaceless

Dear Hew-Mon,
Don't despair, I'm sure someone out there will take pity on you and give you a spacebar along with some pencils, which you can sell on the street, or burn for warmth.

Dear Pelgar,
Why is it, that on Starships, communications officers only give the ship that they are hailing two seconds to answer back?
Gobenhagen

Dear Hew-Mon,
To get to the other side, of course.

hello Pelgar, u overly sized ear thing,
What will happen if Bob Dole launches a fleet of ships to take over the universe?
Waddles

Dear Hew-Mon,
If that ever happens, lock up your daughters, that guy's on something.

Dear Ferengi Columnist,
I agree with you about the small cranial capacities of these pathetic human people. Indeed they have no one to blame but themselves...unless they own a dog, in which case they should blame it... In fact it's all dog's fault... Perhaps they should get rid of them, consider serving cats...
Mr. Tinkles

Dear Hew-Mon,
I've tried serving cats, but the fur gets stuck in my teeth.

Pelgar,
Suppose an empath fell in love with a Vulcan. To conceal her empathic abilities, she pretended to be human. Having no reason to disbelieve her, the Vulcan does not do a mind meld to reveal the truth. The two later marry and have offspring. The child, growing up on Vulcan is unaware of the empathic genes in his body due to the fact that all emotions are suppressed. Now, the Vulcan child is assigned a position on Earth. What do you suppose would happen to that child's psyche once he/she starts sensing emotions from humans (I would have suggested your great planet, but empaths have a great deal of trouble reading Ferengi, so I doubt the child would aspire to live long and profit.)?
Hololibrarian #117

Dear Hew-Mon,
Suppose, suppose, suppose. Suppose Hew-Mons could fly. Suppose Klingons danced ballet. Suppose my uncle had been born with a different set of plumbing; he'd be my aunt. Suppose a tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound? Does it make a profit? Do I care?

Dear Pelgar,
I find that no matter how attractive a female is, if she runs through a field naked, painted with the blood of animals, only Klingon males will pursue her. I speak from personal experience. It seems to incorporate both gore and sexual appeal (both things men enjoy), so why does this technique only attract Klingons?
Sadistic Starfleet Stripper

Dear Hew-Mon,
Perhaps it's due to the fact that few men of any species find such a sight attractive at all. Like ANYONE would want to take such an obviously insane woman home to meet the folks, or even out for dinner and a movie. Painted with the blood of animals? Yech. I'd say it has less to do with gender relations than it does with your laughable misconceptions about what men want. And I doubt the Klingons were interested in a mate, they probably just wanted a hot meal.

And finally, the Freak-of-the-Week...

Dear Pelgar,
Do Ferengi wear pink underwear,
Do Ferengi have any hair,
Do Ferengi like Chicken and Rice,
Do Ferengi weirdoes ever get Lice,
Do Ferengi like Guacamole,
Are Ferengi heads very holey,
One more question tell me please,
What color is Ferengi sneeze?
Ignorant Hew-Mon

Dear Hew-Mon,
Yes, Dr. Seuss is indeed twirling in his grave.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

Therefore, letters to Pelgar become the sole property of Paramount Pictures. By submitting your letter to Pelgar, you relinquish all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with your letter. Paramount Pictures reserves the right to edit and publish your letter to Pelgar at its sole discretion. You should note that Pelgar and Paramount Pictures do not accept unsolicited submissions for things such as story ideas, scripts and treatments and ask that you adhere to this policy. For further explanation about how your letter will be treated (including any unsolicited submissions for things such as script ideas), please consult the Submissions Policy described in our Terms of Use.

The above disclaimer is necessary due to the fact that Pelgar, given the opportunity, will steal and exploit your ideas and submissions.