K'Plett is a Delegate-at-Large for the Klingon Empire, formerly stationed at the Klingon Embassy on Earth. The views and opinions expressed by K'Plett are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Humans,

I have been invited to a Human party next week, but have been told I must wear some sort of "Halloween Costume" since this gathering celebrates an annual holiday wherein Humans disguise themselves and seek to frighten each other. Very strange customs you people have, honorable I'm sure, but strange.

I have no idea what I shall wear, can any of you help me with this conundrum? I shall require an answer by October 30, and I shall notify you of my decision in my next column.

I will now confront your questions.

Honorable K'Plett:
What is the Klingon opinion on the sport of ice hockey?
A Curious Penguins Fan

Dear Curious Penguins Fan,
Too much protective gear. Also, the sticks seem to be blunted and are thus far more inefficient when it comes to sending an opponent to Sto-Vo-Kor. However, I must concede that this weak and mild undertaking called Hockey is somewhat more of a warrior sport than most other Human gaming events.

Salutations, Warrior of Boundless Wisdom and Honor:
Through an infinitely unfortunate mishap, the space yacht I was piloting while returning from holiday on Corsica was hurdled backwards through time, arriving in close proximity to late twentieth century Earth. As destruction of my craft was imminent, I transported to the surface and found myself in this barbarous postindustrial society with no hope of returning to my glorious career as a Starfleet captain. The honorable life among the stars, engaged in exploration pushing the bounds of knowledge and understanding, as well as defending the Federation in glorious battles when necessary, has been so cruelly denied me. I have no hope of fulfillment or happiness, and find myself falling ever deeper into the abyss of despair. Please, what nuggets of wisdom might you offer for me to regain any remnant of life?
Captain X

Dear Captain X,
While I'm certain you are tempted to use your knowledge of the future to your own benefit to alleviate the boredom, I would caution against it. Doing so would create a temporal paradox which would, well, it would make another timeline and, well, the complexities of temporal mechanics elude me and make my head hurt. The point is to avoid contaminating the timeline, so it's up to you to stay out of the way. Look at it this way, you now have the time to catch up on all that reading you never got around to.

honorable k'plett
you are a demon demon demon demon demon demon demon demon demon. i will slay you slay you slay you slay you. Uh oh, gotto go, tofu's done. k'plett is stupid

Dear Human P'tok,
I would expect no less from one who would prefer tofu to delicious pork.

To the house of K'PLETT
I have a PLITUCK that never shuts up and always gets everything he wants. Should I rip his heart out or send his head to his house with a note written in his blood, or should I tell him to just shut up and quit the boasting.
let honor serve you
Gossauqn

Dear Gossauqn,
Your envy is not enough to justify your suggested actions. You could tell him to "shut up," but I cannot imagine, given the tone of your letter, that you could do so without provoking a confrontation, which is obviously what you wish for. Consider the consequences of your actions, life rarely turns out the way you think it will when you are alone and imagining a confrontation in your head.

Dear K'Plett,
My ex-Girlfriend is being very dishonorable and with her dishonor she is mean to me, but a part of me is still is in love with her, but since she broke up with me, what should I do about these feelings and her dishonor? Help Me
Brendan T.

Dear Brendan T.
I would recommend a complete re-evaluation of yourself. Obviously your sense of self-worth has been damaged by the female, but let me assure you that whatever longings or pangs you feel for her will diminish in time. Perhaps what you both require is the perspective of time.

Hey, Honorable Guy.
I'm a cook. I take great pride in my work, but when I try to show people what I can do, they don't care. I feel that my work is worthless unless others also care. Who's skull do I bash to make'm understand?
Cook

Dear Cook,
Perhaps you are sharing your skills with the wrong people. I know of many Humans and Klingons who revere the talents of the culinary arts. Be assured, many people care about food. I care quite a bit about food. Bashing skulls won't change anyone's mind. Did I mention that I like food?

Great K'Plett
I seek your wisdom. I have looked in the Klingon dictionary and have not found an answer. What does "Qapla" mean?
Thank you for your time.
Desert Rose

Dear Desert Rose,
Roughly, the word means "success," and is used to impart the wish of future success. Often used as a farewell, you would wish the object of the word success in their future endeavors, be it an important battle during wartime or a personal quest for enlightenment.

Dear K'Plett,
I have lead an honorable life throughout the whole of it, but my father has at least 500 cd's of 70's music and goes around dancing to them all day long! How can I regain my family's honor so I can travel to Sto-Vo-Kor? Please no bloodshed, my mum would go mental if I got bloodstains on our new Targ fur carpet!
Daniel, Son Of Tony

Dear Daniel, Son of Tony,
Your plight is indeed embarrassing, but it will not stop anyone from going to Sto-Vo-Kor, although it might prevent you from being invited to friends' houses for return visits. A son may have to answer for the sins of the father, but not the songs of the father. The only advice I have to offer is that while your father's actions may humble you, remember that he is simply enjoying life to its fullest. When you have children of your own, I would hope they do not seek to stifle your own expression.

Dear K'Plett,
I am a docent music teacher, trying to show my students how to greet each other in different languages. Would you mind translating the phrases, "hello, how are you? I'm fine, thank-you" in Klingon for me? I looked in the web site, and it doesn't even translate "Qapla!"! Thanks in advance
Atraeyou

Dear Atraeyou,
For Qapla, see above. In Klingon, we do not ask how someone is or how they feel, it is not our way. A typical greeting, if that is what you seek, is nuqneh, which loosely means "What do you want?" This phrase may seem abrupt to Humans, but it is a standard Klingon greeting, and is taken as such. We are also not in the habit of expressing how we are doing at a particular moment, and we do not have a phrase for "thank you." Non-Klingons seem to require such phrases, so in those instances we use their own language. We would say "thank you" to a Human in your own tongue. Also, anyone interested in Klingon should at the very least know this important phrase, "nuqDaq'oH puchpa''e'" which translates into the critical phrase "Where is the bathroom?"

Dear K'Plett,
I want to know how to be a Klingon worrier. I am only 8,but I want to start early. I know I'm part Klingon because of my mom. Whoops! I'm speaking Klingon! I better go before my mom starts yelling Klingon words at me!!!
Sincerely,
Abby M.

Dear Abby M.,
I think you wish to be a Klingon warrior, not worrier. Klingons have few worries. As far as becoming a warrior, you have many years of work ahead of you, and the best way to achieve your goal is to approach your schoolwork seriously and to study as much of the world as possible while staying as active and healthy as you can. Good luck!

If you wish to ask K'Plett a question or need some advice on how to lead honorable lives, you can write him a letter by clicking here. Letters are subject to editing.

[Due to his reassignment, K'Plett is no longer accepting your correspondence.]