Pelgar is an independent writer working to fulfill a plea bargain arrangement. The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings, Thin-Skinned Hew-Mons,

Some of you out there got very upset by my last column, where I noted how ridiculously small Hew-Mon skulls are compared to the lofty magnificence that is the Ferengi cranium. After thinking about it, I agree with many of you, I should amend my comments.

Your heads are still small, but the freakishly large size of your bodies makes them look even smaller.

I will now answer your tiresome and annoying questions.

Dear Pelgar:
Remember when you ran away, and I got on my knees and begged you not to leave, because I'd go berserk?
Nappy

Dear Hew-Mon,
Nope, can't say that I do. Let me know how it turns out.

Dear Pelgar,
I am desperately trying to find the name of the piano piece Seven was playing at the beginning of Voyager's "Human Error" episode. If you don't know, do you know where I could obtain that information?
Sincerely,
Rigel

Dear Hew-Mon,
I have no idea, but I'd be happy to guess. Maybe it was that old Ferengi chestnut "Loss Stinks," or perhaps Drebnul's classic composition "Pay Me Baby, One More Time." Or maybe it's something else.

Hello,
I am a young half-Romulan half-Cardassian female hiding on cargo ship. For the most part, due to my unique heritage, people mistake me as some form of 'super-jerk.' This is not so, and I am hiding here because I have recently destroyed someone who has referred to me as such. I would like to know if there is anyway to clarify that I am a good and loving person, before I either get arrested or am forced to eliminate anyone who attempts such a feat.
All advice appreciated,
Ciella R.

Dear Ciella,
Not to doubt your word or anything, but if you're willing to eliminate anyone who gets in your way, how does that make you a good and loving person? If I were that fat Klingon pig K'Plett, I'd point out all the usual gobbledygook about letting your deeds define how people look at you, blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., pork, etc. Maybe being perceived as a "super-jerk" has less to do with your heritage than with actually being a super jerk, don't you think?

Dear Pelgar,
If you are so smart why haven't broken out of prison yet?
Redneck Man

Dear Hew-Mon,
I am so sick of getting this question. Since you're a Redneck Man, I'll assume you're too busy poisoning your cheek and gum to even contemplate the notion that just being a superior genius like myself isn't the solution to every problem. Just being smart isn't enough to break out of prison. Plus, even though they deny it, I'm certain my Federation captors have implanted a tracking chip in my body somewhere, so what's the point of breaking out? They'll catch me and add more years onto my sentence. Climb out of that pickup truck, take a shower and trust me, Redneck Man. And no, cousins are not okay.

Dear Pelgar
My older brother has informed me that you are not a real Ferengi. Of course, I told him that that was a load of trash, but he was right about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the Bogeyman. I am sure you can reassure me that he is wrong.
Anonymous

Dear Hew-Mon,
How do you know he's right about those other things? I make it my policy only to believe what I see with my own eyes, and you should as well. I mean, come on, was there ever REALLY anyone named "George Washington?" What kind of idiot would name their kid after a bridge?

Pelgar the Great,
Thank you for honoring me by reading this pathetic letter written by a lowly Hew-Mon. My question, because it originates from a puny-headed Hew-Mon, is simple. Who would win in the Captain's Royal Rumble. Kirk, Archer, Janeway, Picard or Pike? My money's on Picard because he'd dazzle them with his Shakespearian skill and kick them in the No No's. What do you think?
Sincerely,
The Alpha Male

Dear Hew-Mon,
Hard to say, but I'm pretty sure Pike would lose. "What're ya gonna do, Pikey, beep me to death?!"

Pelgar,
Please tell the producers of Enterprise that the set is too dark!!!!
Thank you
mdh

Dear Hew-Mon,
It's not dark, it's ironic.

Dear Pelgar,
Do you mark off days on the wall with little check marks and pine for better days? Thanks in advance.
signed,
20 of 47

Dear Hew-Mon,
No, do you?

Pelgar,
Help!!!!!! I'm being devoured by 21th century mediocrity. Help!!!!!,
Ro

Dear Hew-Mon,
Join the club.

Dear Pelgar,
I hate Algebra. I suck at it and am just getting strait "B"s. Why oh why must I take this class? What's the use?
Frustrated 8th grader

Dear Hew-Mon,
Well, one answer is that, in the course of your education, you should be exposed to as much as possible, so that people who do actually have a connection to Algebra can benefit. That's one answer, another is that simply because someone decades ago decided that all students should have to learn this skill, subsequent generations have been forced to endure mind-numbing classes, resulting in scores of instructors who have to justify their own existence and paychecks by forcing Algebra onto everyone.

And remember, this is not limited to such things as science or mathematics. You have a counterpart, I suggest, who sees as much value in learning about literature that you see in Algebra. My only advice is to remember that soon you'll grow older and won't have to worry about Algebra, you'll be too busy panhandling or asking people if they'd like fries with their order.

Dear Pelgar
Which is more important: to be rich, beautiful, famous or happy?
Anonymous

Dear Hew-Mon,
They're not mutually exclusive. If you're rich, then you can afford to pay what it takes to be beautiful and/or famous, and then you're happy, right? Unless you're one of those "money can't buy happiness" people. Anyone who says that has never been poor. You might not be able to buy happiness with money, but it sure keeps you warm and dry in the winter.

And, finally, the Freak-of-the-Week...

Dear Pelgar,
I'm a Manatee.
Steve P.

Dear Hew-Mon,
How nice for you.

If you wish to ask me a question or need some advice on how to lead your sorry lives, you can write me a letter by clicking below. I will edit the long, overblown letters any way I see fit, and there's no guarantee I'll answer every letter, so if you want to blubber and complain about it, be my guest. It'll get you nowhere.

If, however, you understand that I, Pelgar, am as high above you on the evolutionary scale as you are above an insect, and you wish me to share a nugget of my immense Ferengi wisdom, then by all means SUBMIT TO PELGAR.

[Due to his parole, Pelgar is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

As a Ferengi, Pelgar is completely and utterly dedicated to exploiting your letters for maximum profit.

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