Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

I am joyful in preparing to celebrate an Earth tradition, "Fathers' Day.? It is my privilege to have both my father and my children around me at this special time.

Some rubes argue against designating a single day to honor fathers, on the principle that we should honor them every day. I disagree with these guys, because a special day helps anchor our good thoughts and feelings for our fathers inside us for each day.

Others complain that having separate Fathers' and Mothers' Days reinforces patriarchal stereotypes. To these mugs, I respond, "IDIC.? Furthermore, I note that multigendered species (the Andorians, with 4, come to mind) prefer having separate holidays for each of their many contributors to procreation. (I particularly like Ahpans' Day, for the fifth (egg transferring) gender of the Rishran, with its eponymous sandwiches).

As I have mentioned, my father is a veteran of the Dominion War. Do not tell him, but I've arranged for us to take a day trip on a restored third class neutronic fuel carrier, the President Condoleeza Rice Maru.

My kids are always the best, so I'm sure they are gonna come through with hand-made items I will cherish. I have told The Boy (my son, a.k.a. "Big Tony?) to tell Mrs. Carpone that a Craftsbeing™ toolkit (with optional hyperspanner) from Amazon Wal-Sears would be the cat's pajamas.

But Father's Day isn't primarily about gifts. It is mainly about putting on glad rags and chowing down large quantities of grilled red meat. So my dad and mom, Mrs. Carpone, Big Tony and The Mookster (my beautiful, smart, and modest daughter) are joining me to feast on roast targ and porcuswine ribs at a ritzy hash house. Of course, I will need to bring large latinum or become a pearl diver (dishwasher).

Dear Mr. Carpone,
How, may I ask, did your people come to know the literary art of Haiku. I'm sure it wasn't the book of Chicago gangsters left by the crew of the Horizon.

Did you come up with it independently and just coincidentally decide hive it the same name as our 17 syllabic Japanese poetry? I only ask out of curiosity.
Thank you.
Admiral T. Alan Johnson
P.S. I'm glad I'm not the only Admiral to have written. I thank you for answering.

Admiral,
While an undergraduate at Cal, I had several friends who were very interested in (Earth) East Asian cultures. Although I did not have the opportunity to penetrate their mysteries as thoroughly as my friends did, we did enjoy both reading and writing haiku.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
I thank you for answering my questing in a previous column. I find your answer well written and enlightening. Upon reading your columns, I must admit that I have another question. Given that Captain Kirk violated the Prime Directive to assist your planetary development, can you (hypothetically of course) discuss in what situations that following it would do more harm than good? Have you ever defended anyone for just such a violation, and if so, what are the particulars?

Thanks for the interesting column, and for considering my questions.
Yours Truly,
Machinegun Mike

MM,
I have not yet handled such a defense, though I'd like to do so.

Regarding the merits of the Prime Directive, googlebytes of papers, debates, symposia, etc. exist, and I neither have the time nor space to summarize them here.

I will pose one example: Intervention to save a pre-warp intelligent species from an extraplanetary catastrophe (e.g., diverting the asteroid from Miramanee's Planet) is not a violation of the Prime Directive. Yet, make the peril a mutant virus, that the pre-warp species equally bears no guilt for, or power over, and suddenly your career's on the line if you intervene.

If the plague is the result of overpopulation, and/or inadequate hygiene, O.K., maybe they need to learn from their mistakes to avoid greater ones in the future. But that is not my hypothetical, and yet my hypothetical could earn you a court-martial.

Good Day to you Mr. Carpone
I just have a few questions for you, Have you been in a holosuite yet? And if you have, have you checked out 1920's Chicago, Earth? You might like it.

My second question, do you know what a Palooka is? And third, what's the Haiku this week?
Keep up the good work.
Gul Haumschild
Cardassia Prime

Gul,
1. Holosuite — yes. The singing methane ice caverns of Ben-Her are wonderful, but for my latinum, nothing beats playing with the dolphinoids of the subsurface seas of Europa — they're aces at waterpolo.
2. "Palooka? — noun — sentient being, probably a little stupid.
3. Thanks for taking the hints and asking — here's the haiku:

Wikiup bubble?
Cash out, rent, and buy back in
Will wife-god agree?

Greetings Again,
Stryker (my new, shiny, somewhat illegal ship) was out on a normal patrol near your Sigma Iotia and we started thinking. What would Carpone do if someone from our ship was to beat him in a Fizzbin match?

Well we held a ship wide tournement to see who our best was. We are prepared to send Ensign Uglyguy to your location to see if he can defeat you. But that brings up an interesting question. What would you do if you were defeated? Would you mow everyone down with "hot lead," or be a greatful winner?
--Cpt. Downs, S.S. Stryker

Captain,
I look forward to relieving Ensign Uglyguy of his pride and kale. Bring him/her/hir/it on!

Because my defeat is impossible, your fear of ventilation is unfounded.

I am, however, puzzled as to why I might be a "greatful winner? if I lost. Did you mean a "good loser?? If so, I subscribe to the dictum of your great Earth sports advisor Vincent Lombardi. Or, as my grandpa used to say, "Show me a good mark, and I'll show you a mark.?

Greetings,
After Enterprise NX01 was mothballed, did Captain Archer become first
president of the Federation and what ship design came after the NX01 that beared the name Enterprise?
Michael of Alpha Centari

Hey, MAC,
I'm sorry, that information is strangely missing from my database.

Hey Carpone,
Why did you take up law instead of going with the family tradition of being a gangster, wouldent it have been more suiting?
WIth respect,
Admiral David J. P.

Admiral,
I did not have the social skills to be a systems analyst, and was too greedy to be a CEO.

The gangster option really wasn't open to my generation, because, as I keep telling youse all, Sigma Iotia II today is a peaceful, democratic, sophisticated and tolerant member of the Federation.

And if you do not believe me, we're gonna break out the roscoes and make some Chicago lightning.

Forgive my bad spelling as I am learning disabled

Dear Mr. carpoone
I once played a game about the Enterprise in the game they go back to your world about a few years after they lost Mocoeys comtarerter they find your world is destroyed so they go down to look in to it they find a time travel device that some how they made using what they learned form the commutate it put out some tip of radtion that end up killing every one on your world, they use it to go back in time and fix it before it all go wrong, but once aggen the good Dr. left something behind other a try cotter or a phaser, my understanding is that is a book like that to, but I do not know so I was just wording if that really happened or not?
Lt.jg Raz

Lt.,
Given that I am here and writing to you, there are at least three possibilities:

A. Such events are purely fictional. I am not aware of a book with such a premise, but the canon of Starfleet lore is vast and I do not claim to have mastered it in its glorious entirety.

B. You are entirely delusional.

C. The "multiple branching universe? theory of temporal mechanics is correct. In this case, there is a universe when Sigma Iotia II was destroyed as you state, and another where nothing of the sort occurred and Al Carpone is living the life of Riley.

No bet from me.

Mr Carpone,
Perhaps you can assist me in a disagreement I had with a
fellow co-worker. One of the characters in the star trek universe has a coin collection which includes a Canadian coin called a loonie. I say it was Tom Paris, and he says it was a character from DS9, a security officer who joined the marquis I believe. The security officers name is insignificant since my buddy is wrong. So please end this argument Mr Carpone. Let this BATAWK know he is so incredibly wrong, and Tom Paris is the true loonie collector.
Thank you for your intelligence, and Kaplagh!!!!!!!!

Dear BATAWK,
Bad news — you're a palooka, and your buddy is the bee's knees.

In the historical document "Blaze of Glory,? we learn that Lt. Cmdr. Michael Eddington, a security officer who joined the Maquis, owned a Canadian coin called a loonie.

Tom Paris' piloting and his choice of a mate with 24/7 PMS might make him a loonie, but he didn't own one.

You have my permission to commit ritual suicide, or to apologize profusely to your learned and wise co-worker.

N.B.: "Star Trek universe? — unnecessary modifier, neh? It's the only universe we have, or could wish for.

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.