Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

Several criticisms and confused inquiries ("C/CI?) later, I now realize that I haven't done a good enough job explaining the who/what/when/where/why of this column. So, consider this our reintroduction to each other.

The most frequent C/CI is "Why don't you sound more like a gangster?? No disrespect to my ancestors, praise be them, but I don't sound like a gangster because ... [drum roll] ... I'M NOT A GANGSTER! I'm a lawyer (no jokes about redundancy) and a scholar. My great-grandfather was a gangster.

Here's the background. The U.S.S. Horizon, a Fed ship, visited my home planet, Sigma Iotia II, in 2168, prior to the introduction of the Prime Directive. For good or ill, they left behind The Book (Chicago Mobs of the Twenties), which heavily influenced the development of our highly intelligent and imitative culture.

Kirk came looking for the Horizon in 2268. As I've previously described, he discovered our cultural contamination and decided that a second intervention was the only way to cure the sickness in our society.

Kirk imposed a unified planetary government and, in the guise of the Fed's piece of the action, directed that part of our gross planetary product be applied to improve the health and education of all Iotians and our societal infrastructure (e.g., charitable organizations, cultural institutions, parks).

Today is May 25, 2382, 114 years after Kirk's visit. To put it in context, it's been almost exactly 3 years since the U.S.S. Voyager returned from its seven-year exile in the Delta Quadrant (Agents Dulmer and Lucsly have assured me that rumors of a 23-year Voyager exile are unfounded, just like the bogus story you've heard about Captain Sisko et al. being involved in foiling the Klingon plot to poison grain on Deep Space Station K-7 during Kirk's era).

As is generally the case, Kirk's plan worked. Expanding health, wealth and opportunity for all led to popular demands for democracy and the rule of law. Those demands were successful, as were the similar popular demands known as "Tiananmen Square II? in Earth's early 21st century.

Sigma Iotia II recently joined the Federation as a full member, and we were pleased and proud to provide combat and intelligence support during the Dominion War. We are also active in the continuing relief and reconstruction efforts on Cardassia Prime.

As for me, I'm descended from Bela Oxmyx, our first Pan-Planetary Boss. Both through my excellent choice of ancestors and the JTK Foundation, I've been privileged to have the benefit of a first-class education and my choice of a fulfilling career (so, why I picked law is a mystery that even the Vulcan elders cannot solve).

I realize this has run on longer than usual, but I think it will be helpful in the future, because I will refer subsequent C/CIs to this column.

Greetings,
I was recently running some tests with my new ship out near your planet. Well, Starfleet decided to test out some new computer protocols on several of their ships. Mine was one. They added a new communication device for Captains, XO's, and department heads. It works similar to an "email address." The idea is that if an officer needs to let civilians contact them it doesn't fill up their primary Starfleet comm channel.

Anyhow, while I was on Sigma Iotia II I had to drop off some "stuff" (we talked about how to shut it's engines down last time) and somehow someone found the "stuff," and aquired my contact address.

One of my officers tracked some mail we got back, and we discovered a plot to kill you, along with 3 more people.

What kind of business have you been involved in to get so many people upset with you?
--Capt. Downs
S.S. Stryker

Dear Captain D,
Some beings take their fizzbin very seriously.

ATTN:Carpone
Pardon me for not asking the question earlier, I was busy calculating the new intermix equations for my new Warp Drive System. Along with what I said earlier "I am currently experimenting with a new Warp Drive system. Starfleet has labeled my experiments as
"hazardous to our people and planet" therefore ordering me to stop all devolopment of the new system. I am unable to further me research yet, I believe what I am working on will benefit the entire Federation." My question is, should I continue my research, or comply with Starfleet's orders and give up on years of work?
Dr. Alan M.

Dear AM,

Timber me shivers, AM! Experiments can be hazardous and worthy, or hazardous and nutty. If yours is the former, I suggest you work with Starfleet to find an appropriate venue for your work that will not unnecessarily endanger others. If the latter, DROP THE CHALUPA! NOW!

Hey Mr. Carpone,
Thought you might have some inside dope for me. Since Enterprise is over and they never answered this question, who is the boss of the Suliban, you know, the shadow guy from the future?? Thanks.
Eric

Dear Eric,
Sorry, that file is checked out to a certain "Section 31.? I am not familiar with them, but I am sure they'd be pleased to share the information with you if you asked.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
I was just wondering if you could share your opinions on the various heaters, both modern (energy) and classic (kinetic). I am especially interested in which of the classic heaters you enjoy most at the range.
Thanks,
Machinegun Mike

Dear Mike,
And here we reveal one of Carpone's darkest secrets: Although I strongly support the right of sentient beings to keep and bear arms (see, e.g., the Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America), I've never owned a heater myself, and have had only limited experience with them. Remember, I'm a lawyer, not a gangster (again no redundancy jokes).

Among classic heaters, were I to obtain one, it would be a choice between the Colt .45, the .357 Magnum and the Glock 9 mm (with laser targeting).

My father is a vet of the Dominion War, so I'll probably also inherit his service weapon someday.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
I'm happy that Star Trek.com decided to hire another columnist. I'm sure your insights will be just as enlightening as the former employees. Fizzbin champion, eh? Well, I hope you thanked the Federation for the late Captain James T. Kirk's contribution to Iotian culture. Congratulations on admission to the UFP and ggod luck with the column.
Thank You,
Admiral Alan J.

Dear Admiral,
Did you know that at Sailor's Rest, a sanctuary for sailors done with the sea (or stars), all of the denizens carry the honorific "Admiral,? no matter their actual service rank? You wouldn't believe how many admirals write me – it's very flattering.

What do you mean, "late? Captain Kirk?

Dear Carpone,
I am writing a report on the creation of warp drive for planets, and I was wondering how Iotia came upon warp drive? Did you invent it our did some more stupid Feds just leave a warp core lying on your planet?
Thanks,
Tanari

Dear Tanari,
You are to be commended for this unusual endeavor. Once you create a warp drive for planets, though, what will you do with it? I suppose it could be an awesome weapon.

My people developed warp drive for starships independently of the Feds through a strong commitment to funding basic science research. I would recommend such funding to all pre-warp cultures (if it weren't for that pesky Prime Directive).

Hello, Mr Carpone
I was wondering: Although it does not nearly compare to our own universe, what do
you think of the recent, popular franchise that is 'Star Wars'?
Thanks,
Admiral Gridley

Dear Admiral:

In referring to the "recent? part of the "Star Wars" mythos, I assume that you mean Episodes negative CCLX ("Attack Of The Chicago School?) through Episode negative CCLVII ("A New Odor?). In this trilogy, I was touched by the birth of Yoda and the parallelism with the founding of the Tatooine colony. As with many of the Lucas Mark III AI's films, though, I thought there was an overemphasis on the technology of filmmaking (especially the smell-o-vision scenes with the Wookiees) and an underemphasis on storytelling. For example, I found the discussion of trade economics for the production of vaporators in the Outer Reaches to be uncinematic.

Overall, though, I salute the efforts of the Lucas Mark I, II and III AIs and, of course, the original master himself. I'm still hoping he'll film Episodes VII – IX someday (after he gets out of the stasis chamber in 2399).

N.B.: You may fire when ready.

Greetings,
Or should I say, Hey Carpone! It would be fortuitous for me to learn what were the results of a certain "piece of communications equipment? being left behind, and how big of a 'piece of the action' did the Feds give you as a consequence of you disseminating the function of the transtator?
KW

Dear KW,
After reverse engineering of the transtator and experiencing the Great Elation (an economic boom), we decided not to press for a piece of the Fed's action. As my grandpa used to say, "little porcuswine get to come back to the trough, but big hogs get slaughtered.?

Carpone-San,
What is this column's haiku?
Mariko

Mariko-San,
Glad you asked (you'd think somebody out there would get the hint, by now). Here goes –

Ball over water
Strong, glad toss by pretty Mook
Catch it! Catch her! Joy

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.