Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

I write with a heavy heart. As relatively new members of the Federation, my people have some catching up to do. We want and need to know of the glorious past of the UFP and Starfleet.

For the past few years, a marvelous series of historical documents (in audiovisual form), concerning the immediate pre-history of the Federation, has been disseminated in your media. I have benefited greatly by viewing these historical documents, and others dealing with more recent Federation history. I admire all of the beings who worked so well and long to create them. I hope they live long and prosper.

Now, however, the production of these historical documents has come to an untimely end. While I'd like to believe that one should never give up, never surrender, it seems that for the near future, Fed newbies like me will have to rely on written historical documents for new information.

Oh boy.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
I'm thrilled to see that this establishment has elected to hire another columnist. K'Plett and Pelgar will be missed (to varying degrees), but it's great we still have someone to deliver us wisdom from beyond the scope of our humble planet. Many of us were hoping for a Vulcan columnist, but as I read what you write I can see you have a unique style and personality, just as the Klingon and the Ferengi did. Your column has its own "feel". This is a good thing. You'll do nicely. Carry on!
Horizon

Dear Horizon,
Flattery will get you everywhere. As my grandpa used to say, "You can catch more flies with sarsaparilla than Sen-Sen.? Of course, that begs the question: why would you want to catch flies (unless you're Buck Bokai)?

Hello Mr Carpone.
How are you enjoying earth customs? even though I bet "the book gave you a somewhat look at earthling life. Anyways me and the Crew of the UEO (United Earth Oceans) seaQuest DSV-4600 got stuck in a timewarp and got thrusted into what we call the future. you wouldnt know we could get back to our time? would you?
Captain Nathan Hale Bridger
Ueo seaQuest DSV-4600 (Deep Submergence Vehicle)

Captain,
I have referred your inquiry to Agents Dulmer and Lucsly of the FDTI. They'll get back to you somewhen soon.

Dear Carpone,
I am at my parents work right now and am doing a repetitive, mindless job which I am supposed to do for hours. I really would rather be at my friends house playing video games right now. How would you get out of this situation? Please, I'm soooooo bored!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steve S.

Steve,
I can see from the email address block that you and your parents were at work on a Saturday morning. While I understand that this wasn't much fun for you, I would suggest that you have appreciation for the hard work your parents put in to make things nice for your family (like having video games).

hi mr. carpone!
i have a puzzle for you. what did mcoy's time travel have an effect on in THE CITY ON THE EDGE OF TOMMOROW?

First of all, the historical document you refer to is titled "THE CITY ON THE EDGE OF FOREVER? (not "TOMMORROW? [sic]).

This isn't much of a puzzle, as any palooka knows that in the alternate timeline, McCoy prevented Edith Keeler from dying in the 1930s. The surviving Keeler then gave oomph to the U.S. isolationist movement also present (but unsuccessful) in the first (our) timeline. As a result of her efforts, U.S. entry into Earth's Second World War was delayed, allowing National Socialist ("Nazi?) Germany time to first develop nuclear weapons and conquer the planet.

For more information, please view this historical document.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Before my assignment to Memory Alpha, I used to live in San Francisco and know well the past and present states of mind extant at UC Berkeley. (The more things change, the more they stay the same.) Wow, if you think the People's Republic of Berkeley -- as some in the area used to call it -- is staid, things on your world must really be hopping...

And now for my question. Since you are the three-time-undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion, you may know the answer better than anyone. You Iotians DID realize at some point, didn't you, that when Capt. Kirk invented fizzbin and passed it on to you, he was "pulling a fast one on you" in order to make good his escape from captivity? Since you're such an intelligent people, I assume you must have -- which (assuming your honesty also) means you must either be really good sports on the matter or else Capt. Kirk was even smarter than his reputation has made him.
Have an Anchor Steam on me,
Johanan R.
Federation Archivist, Memory Alpha

P.S.: Since you're so concerned with punctuation and spelling, please tell someone at Starfleet that the Academy's spell checker keeps inserting question marks into your texts and your readers' at odd places.

Johanan,
Regarding Berkeley, I have to assume you're a member of a very long-lived race. While I understand that in the Old West, especially in the 1960s, Cal was radical (there's even a memorial to the Free Speech Movement at the entrance to Peoples' Parking Structure, where I keep my flier), it became very conservative and by the late 2200s was one of the most staid institutions on Earth. See, for example, the written historical document "Prime Directive.?

Regarding fizzbin, Iotians are both intelligent and honest. We also have healthy egos, however, and Kirk's guards didn't want to admit they'd been rubes. Using their intelligence, they therefore filled in the blanks with additional (nonsensical) rules and claimed to have been distracted by a truly challenging game.

Regarding Anchor Steam, thanks, and have a Liberty Ale yourself.

N.B.: Man, do I have yamok sauce on my face over those question marks! I've spoken to my editor and expect it will be fixed.

Okay, given that your planet is a part of the Federation now, that infers that you have access to warp travel. So I have a question for you? I have a ship rigged with a warp engine capable of 9.5 but the injectors lock at 9.2, and I can't seem to figure out why the plasma won't get through to increase speed. Any suggestions?
Capt. Robinson
U.S.S. Red October

Captain,
I've spoken with an engineering consultant, T. Clancy, and he advises that you need to tweak the caterpillar drive. Hope this helps.

N.B.: You meant "implies,? not "infers.?

Hello again,
I'm back from my shoreleave on your planet (and dumping my "stuff" where you suggested, along with it's payload.) I went to the Mozarella Funeral Parlor as you suggested. And I'm back with questions...

Is there a state sponsored fleet operation in the Iotian's system, other than Starfleet? Such as a police force? When I was entering the space there 3 ships pulled alongside me and told me to stop. I didn't know if this could possibly be a hit on me, so I got out of there... Is there a high crime rate on your planet nowadays? Because after I sat down (rough landing, the spaceports on your planet aren't well maintained,) I was followed by a squad of people with what appear to be semi-automatic firearms under long coats. What's up with that?
--Capt. Downs

Captain,
Did you visit on Halloween? Seriously, your description does not match the experience of this Iotian native.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
I am a Sociologist from the UK. I'm interested to learn about the sociology of life on Sigma Lotia. Is it any different to that of Earth? Would Sociologists find Sigma Lotia a breath of 'fresh air' to study?
T.W.
Sociologist

T.W.,
I believe there are unmined opportunities in comparative sociology among Federation cultures, including that of Earth and Sigma Iotia II. IMHOP, such comparisons are most interesting when done between somewhat similar peoples, so Iotia/Earth would be perfect (I would not, for example, encourage a Betazed/Klingon comparison – it would be like shooting targ in a cage.)

Mr. Carpone,
Back when I was in high school, I knew this fine-looking, young woman. Let's call her "Jess". Well, after Jess saw her for the first time, I developed a bit of a "crush" on her. Apparently, she must have been psychic or something, because she found out that I liked her. Well, one day, during a class we had together, she passed me a note saying that if I liked her, then to tell her. Well, at that point in time, I was kinda shy, so I didn't size the opportunity. Well, a couple years after I graduated, I wrote her a letter telling her how I felt about her. I have yet to hear back from her. What do you think I should do:try to get in contact with her again or move on and try to find someone else? Thank you for taking the time out of your schedule to read this and may you continue to be prosperous in all your dealings.
-Captain Carl Saga

P.S. How do the people on your home planet pass the time? Reading, writing, listening to music, etc.?

Dear Captain Saga,
Your surname is appropriate, and you apparently didn't get the memo about boy/girl/leather/Risa questions. I also suspect your android dresses you funny.

To answer your primary inquiry, I'd move on.

Regarding how Iotians pass the time, we have a rich cultural and athletic life that includes opera, cinema, pilates, spinning and lots of target practice.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
I am currently experimenting with a new Warp Drive system. Starfleet has labeled my experiments as "hazardous to our people and planet". I am unable to further me research yet, I believe what I am working on will benefit the entire Federation.
Dr. Alan Montgomery

Dear A.M.,
I'm sorry, me hearty, was that a question or a warning?

Carpone-San:
What's this column's haiku?
Blackthorne

Blackthorne,
Here you go!

Pretty time of year
Jacaranda is purple
Boogerzillion red

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.