Alphonse O. Carpone, a native of Sigma Iotia II, was a graduate student in interstellar law at U.C. Berkeley on a scholarship from the JTK Foundation. In addition to his studies, Mr. Carpone served pro bono publico as legal counsel to the Group for the Release of Extra-terrestrial Entrepreneurs and Digiterati. He is also the 3-time undefeated Pan-Federation Fizzbin Champion. The views and opinions expressed by Mr. Carpone are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.

Greetings Fellow Sentients:

I've just returned from my first vacation to the part of your planet known as Southern England. Overall, it was a wonderful experience.

One of the most refreshing aspects of the trip was visiting the universities at Oxford and Cambridge. While I deeply respect, and am grateful for the opportunity to study at U.C. Berkeley, it is sometimes frustrating for a free-spirited Iotian to conform to the mores of a very conservative institution like Cal. The let-your-hair-down, live fast-die young-leave a good looking corpse attitude of the English schools hit me like oo-mox to a Ferengi after the stifling conformism of Berkeley.

I also visited the World Heritage site formerly known as Stonehenge. Despite what you may have read on the Net, the alien transport did not completely destroy this landing zone marker. Sure, the menhirs were toppled, but there's a perfectly nice replica of the original at the visitor's center two miles away. The crop circles are now overgrown, however.

Mr. Carpone,
What is the current situation on Sigma Iotia II? Are the Iotians changing from their former lifestyles to fit into the Federation or are you going more towards the Ferengi way of life?
Stephen I.

Stephen:
Sigma Iotia II is now a member in good standing of the United Federation of Planets. Following our Second Enlightenment, we underwent a period of mostly peaceful consolidation into a unified planetary government.

We were aided in this transition by the efforts of the JTK Foundation, which took the Feds' piece of our planetary action and applied it to make Iotia lousy with health and educational opportunities for all. The Great Elation, an economic boom caused by our reverse engineering of transtator technology, also helped ease our path. As my grandfather said, "a rising skirt lifts all men.?

Yo,
Howcum we's godda lose one owa of da day during da spring but we gets dat owa back when it gets, like, cold outside? Tanks loads.
G-Man
Tulsa, OK

G-Man,
Are you a maroon? You're missing out on the most important aspect of Daylight Saving Time! You should be putting those hours into your personal daylight account for a rainy day. Why, I know some thrifty souls who have so much daylight saved that they could retire at 45 and never see darkness again (except on the other side of the Moon — but that would take Money and result in Brain Damage and an Eclipse).

Mr. Carpone,
I was just interested in what kind of weapons you guys on Sigma Iotia have? Did they evolve from weapons you learned about from "The Book,? or did you guys develop your own? Do you have energy weapons?
Ok, another inquiry here. Are there any geographic area's good for hiding ? stuff? Say, something the size of a standard Federation runabout?
I'll be coming down there on "shoreleave? soon. Of course, no hidden agenda there ?
Capt. Downs
USS Alabama

Captain,
Our heaters pumped metal (were automatic and semi-automatic chemical explosion projectile weapons) prior to the Second Enlightenment (before the First Enlightenment, we mainly used rocks and sharp sticks). Since our advent of transtator technology and entry into the Federation, we have employed standard directed energy weapons.

Regarding your second inquiry, I understand "stuff? can be successfully concealed at the Trojan Points between Sigma Iotia IV and its satellite, Mickey (especially if you power down the "stuff's? reactor core and apply a coat of subspace radiation-absorbing material to the "stuff?). (Note: The Trojan Point solution would not work in the case of Sigma Iotia III and its satellites Donald and Goofy.)

On your upcoming shore leave, before you take a powder, be sure to hit the Mozarella Funeral Parlor for some great hooch and the sounds of Sweet Sue and her Society Syncopators. Tell 'em Charlie sent you.

yo where you go on the planet to see da big boso in da hood yo?
from Benjamin P.

Ben,
Did you know that in the Portuguese language of Earth, "Brazil? is spelled "Brasil?? With this in mind, the answer to your inquiry is that one would go where you are.

Mr. Carpone,
I'm a writer for the Starfleet Technical Communications Auxiliary in San Jose, California, and the experience has taught me that it's easier to learn how to operate software than it is to learn how to operate women ? especially when it comes to what buttons to press, if you know what I mean.
How would a wise guy in classic Iotian culture show a dame a classy good time? I see you're also a sharp dresser and a master of etiquette; so, is it bad form to keep your piece under your coat in case someone eyes my dame's gams, or should I just check it at the door and introduce any palooka who stares to Mr. Brass Knuckles when he goes to the john?
Always looking for civilized advice,
Nickie

Nookie,
Thanks for your inquiry. While I will answer it, you've given me occasion to inform readers that the whole dizzy with a dame, "boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl go to Risa with leather and hardware? thing bores me. And given that mine is a volunteer gig (Starfleet is one chintzy organization, I gotta tell you), I'm not inclined to be bored too often.

Bottom line, you want advice about the opposite sex (or the same sex (not that there's anything wrong with that)), go Ask Amy.

Now, regarding your question: classic Iotian culture would call for taking a sheba on an evening of dining (and not at a hash house) and dancing. Given that you'll need to check your kimono (unless you want to tango in a trenchcoat), I assume you'll check your roscoe as well. In any event, you should never respond to a mere indiscreet glance with deadly force. To paraphrase The Don, that would not be justice — your dame is alive.

Carpone,
I got a problem, buddy. There's this really classy dame I used to know 10 years ago. I figured out she's still single and living in another city where the buses don't go. I don't have a set of wheels, and I think just cold-calling her is for the birds, capisce? What would you do in this situation?
Signed,
Iceman in the Corner

IC,
In this situation, I would write a letter stating my pleasure in times past, and regret for time passed; pledging my interest in reconnecting; and giving her the opportunity to respond or not as she sees fit. A simple gift of ice or oyster fruit would also be appropriate.

What you would do frankly escapes me, because you seem to have the written communication skills of a late TwenCen American fifth grader (and one with a few crayons missing from the box, if you know what I mean). I suppose you could find yourself a John Alden to pitch your woo, but then you'd run the risk of Mr. Standish's fate.

Best bet: the Playbeing™ holosuite program and a couple of pan-galactic gargle blasters.

Hey Mr. Carpone,
Have you ever achieved a "Royal Fizzbin?? If so how did you defeat the astronomical odds?
Tim

Tim,
Yes. I'm not telling.

Carpone-San,
What's this column's haiku?
Tokugawa

Toku-San,
Glad you asked.

A sophomore slump?
Hope not – want to please readers
Revise more, in case.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Of all the alien races in Star Trek, why did they choose one from an obscure Original Series show to write a cloumn? Why not a Vulcan columnist, or a Romulan? To tell you the truth, the ganagster thing doesn't have much to do with Star Trek.
Silent Bob

SOB,
I do not know this "Star Trek? or "Original Series? of which you speak. Taking your complaint to be the relevance of Sigma Iotia II to the United Federation of Planets, I disagree that they have little to do with each other. My peoples' history is literally a textbook case on the merits and demerits of the Prime Directive.

Our first brush with the Feds, prior to the institution of the Prime Directive, gave us material progress, but at the cost of a violent, fragmented society. Captain Kirk ultimately realized that to fix the first interference, he would have to engage in a second one. Given that we now have a stable and prosperous society with truth, justice and double-entry bookkeeping, it worked out well.

As you may be aware, there is great controversy today over the scope of the Prime Directive. Many ethicists and Starfleet officers (and some who are both) believe that in certain cases it is arrogant and morally wrong not to "interfere.? By examining the history of Sigma Iotia II, important inferences regarding this argument can be drawn.

Two other points: you really should learn to proofread your work (I give you credit, perhaps optimistically, for knowing the proper spellings of "gangster? and "column?). And, you gotta admit, Commander Spock looked really good in that double-breasted suit.

Please say hello to Jay for me.

Dear Mr. Carpone,
Is it true that on Iotia anything's legal, as long as you don't get caught? I've got a personal dilemma having to do with taxes and honesty, two words that don't usually go together. . . [irrelevant digression deleted]. Now they want us to pay the sales tax on anything we buy by mail order, whether it's in or out of state! I happen to enjoy shopping by mail, because I can buy things via catalog that aren't available in stores in the Big Apple ? [self-delusional assertion deleted]. Talk about being nickled and dimed to death! ? Should I be a "good sport? and declare all my mail order purchases from 2004 on my income tax? Or should I ignore this foolishness, since there hasn't been any serious attempt to enforce it? . . . [lame metaphor deleted]. My problem is that I have a conscience, which whispers to me whenever I do the slightest thing wrong, and every time I think I'm getting over, it starts whispering to me. Lately my conscience has been whispering louder and louder. Should I just tell my conscience to fergedabout it, as we say in New York? ? [redundant inquiry deleted].

Sport,
Sigh. Unlike SOB, who I believe has a proofreading problem, I think you do not know the proper spelling of "fuhggedaboutit.?

But I digress. Regarding your first question, it is not true that on Iotia legality is a function of not being caught. We have a well-developed set of laws, with fair and impartial administration. Property rights are respected, and no being is above the law (well, except for Q, but you understand ? ).

It is true that every Iotian loves figuring out ways to legally game the system for her own benefit, but that's the difference between tax avoidance, which is perfectly legal, and tax evasion, which will earn you a one-way trip to the Big House.

Now, Sport, let's engage in some truth-telling. You do not shop by mail to buy things that are not available in NYC. There is no such thing as an item not available in NYC. To my personal knowledge, for example, a thing as rare as Romulan Ale can be purchased at the 168th Street Zabar's in Manhattan, next to Tiffany's Harlem store (although I admit that's a very upscale neighborhood and most of us would be pressed to afford the tariff).

No, you buy by mail for either or both of the following reasons: a) you're lazy and like having things delivered, or b) you don't want to pay tax. Given that I also know you can have anything delivered in NYC, it's the latter.

Your courts have held that out-of-state retailers cannot be held liable for sales taxes unless they have some minimal level of presence in your state. What your government is trying to do is get around this legal inconvenience by recasting the sales tax as a use tax and making it your burden, because even if they can't tax Dell Computers, they can (in theory) tax you.

This is a tough one. I believe that everyone should obey the law. But I also believe it is the duty of government to make laws that are enforceable and that will not be widely ignored. If you accept that laws represent a social contract, and good sports shouldn't solely bear the administrative and financial burden of an unenforceable law that is widely ignored, don't report and don't pay. On the other hand, if your conscience is only going to get louder, peace of mind is a valuable thing, worth a few clams. Your call.

How ya dooin, Nice to make ya aquaintance.Lem Me welcome youse to our quadrent.hope your stay is a pleasant one. From one goodfella to another take what you can..You gotta try the canolies while your here..Best of luck?
Wolf from Joisey

Wolf,
Sigh. Sigh. Where to begin? Where to end? Here, I think.

If you wish to ask Mr. Carpone a question or need some advice on how to get a piece of the action, you can write him a respectful letter by clicking here.

[Since his return to his home planet, Mr. Carpone is no longer accepting your correspondence.]

Letters to Mr. Carpone become Mr. Carpone's sole property. Submitting to Mr. Carpone relinquishes all ownership rights to, or any claims for financial or other consideration in connection with the submitted material, including any ideas, suggestions, script ideas, anything.