Star Trek Host: Welcome everyone, Please give a warm welcome to Pelgar!

Pelgar: Hey, can someone take these handcuffs off, it's hard to type with handcuffs on.

Pelgar: Hello everyone, please send me money.

Star Trek Host: Ok Let's start with our first question from the mailbag...

Question: Great Pelgar, do we hew-mons smell funny?
Securitron

Pelgar: "Funny?" Like I should laugh when something as foul and acrid as Hew-Mon scent reaches my nostrils? Yeah, Hew-Mon smell is a barrel of freaking monkeys, I laugh and laugh and laugh.

Q: Dear Fountain of Wisdom, Nice lobes ;-) Were you surprised by a beautiful Bajoran woman like Leeta marrying such a poor businessman like Rom?
cj_31

Pelgar: Not really, look where she ended up. "Poor businessman," my lobes! He's the Nagus, you can't do much better than that.

Q: How often do the insults you receive get personal?
MP Eva

Pelgar: Every insult is personal, it's my way of connecting with my readers. Personally I hate most of them, and I like to reflect that in my own thoughtful, sensitive way.

Star Trek Host: Remember, Pelgar is deeply bitter about his circumstances and is predisposed to giving advice that may result in catastrophe.

Q: K'Plett's column yesterday was not very happy about you chatting with us. What is your reaction to his comment?
mikejmoe

Pelgar: Well, of course K'splatt is jealous of my greatness. He's sitting there on his giant Klingon posterior, eating a big plate of bacon and crying "boo hoo, no one wants to chat with the fat Klingon!"

Q: What did you do to get in prison?
martyr_aestur

Pelgar: Well, it's a long story. I've got plenty of time so here goes. I was offering a lot of Hew-Mon senior citizens some amazing financial investment opportunities and the Federation seemed to think I was trying to take advantage of them. Of course, there's no investment that comes completely without risk, and simply because I had yet to deliver any returns to any investors, they took it the wrong way.

No sense of humor those people. So what if grandma and grandpa run out of money, they were almost done with it anyways.

Q: Pelgar, I need your wisdom. My girlfriend and I broke up with each other but now I want her back. I don't know if she wants me back. Please tell me what to do!
rando141

Pelgar: So she's single now, huh? Got her number?

Q: Have you had any interspecies "experiences"?
diabolicalvirus

Pelgar: I'm having one right now with all of you.

Q: Describe how you felt when you realized you where going to be locked up for a LONG LONG time.
Securitron

Pelgar: How do you think I felt?! Happy? Oh, I jumped for joy, "Yay the Federation has locked me up and thrown away the key! Oh, rapture!" Do the math, Einstein, I was disgusted and annoyed. Just like I am right now.

Q: Have you ever tried to break out of prison?
bigfootc7

Pelgar: Not really, since the Federation knows what I look like and how to track me down, I don't need to give them an excuse to add more time to my sentence. But I would if I could get away with it.

Q: What is the profit in chatting with us?
riker3

Pelgar: I get extra TV hours.

Q: Does K'Plett deserve a live chat?
Mikejmoe

Pelgar: Well, without getting into a discussion about what the big slug deserves, let me say that he'd have a tough time thinking on his feet. Maybe if you told him there was a big canned ham in it for him.

Q: Do you think your Mother and Father(s) are proud of you?
Mother's Friend

Pelgar: Sure they are. What parent isn't proud when their child ends up in prison?

Q: Do you have a cell mate?
bigfootc7

Pelgar: Nope, I am fortunate enough to live in solitary confinement, except for my cat.

Q: What do you think of the whole Enron thing?
Defmikey

Pelgar: Well, they had a good thing going, but they went and got caught, so I say, try again, greedy Hew-Mons!

Q: Oh great lobed one, How do I get involved in insider trading without gettin caught?
thumbs

Pelgar: Insider trading is something that you really have to prepare for. Nowadays they've got programs that can snoop through your email and all kinds of ways to catch you. The best, time-honored way of accumulating wealth is to be related to someone on the inside.

Q: In the American sport of baseball, there's speculation that the players, who are being paid an extraordinary amount of money, want more. What's your take on this?
terakrall

Pelgar: It does me proud. There was a time when athletes were satisfied just to please their fans instead of becoming sickeningly wealthy. Now they're on the right track.

Q: Dear rude and nasty Pelgar: I sent you a letter once. I demand to know why you didn't answer it!
someonesmask

Pelgar: Dear boring reader, I got your answer right here.

Q: Pelgar, why do you have your columns on Startrek.com instead of any other sites?
mikejmoe

Pelgar: Are there any other sites? I was not aware of any other sites. You must be mistaken.

Star Trek Host: As a reminder, Pelgar is a convicted criminal currently serving time in Starfleet prison. He is a liar and a con-artist so his consider his advice with that in mind.

Q: Pelgar, what's the best get-rich-quick scheme?
Torres

Pelgar: Be born into a wealthy family. Next question.

Q: Who is your Hew-Mon role model?
Securitron

Pelgar: Right now there are a lot of Hew-Mons who have been working at attaining the Ferengi way of life, but you Hew-Mons keep arresting them. CEO's I think you call them, fine examples of Ferengi thinking. Of course you Hew-Mons seem to think that amassing indescribable wealth at the expense of others is wrong. Go figure.

Q: when do you get released from jail????????? Will you get a dog????? Will you get a frog??????? he will sit on a log!!!!! la la la la la la la la la!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Will you marry me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How many Q tips do you use per day??????? la la la la la la!!!!!! why can't I be freak of the week????? Can I get a better picture of you!!!!!!!!????????? please?????????
Anonymous Hew-Mon

Pelgar: Okay, aren't there ways of filtering out losers like this? Please?

Q: Are you and the host going out?
diabolicalvirus

Pelgar: The host claims she's "married." Yeah, right, and now she wants to be my best friend, "I need more friends like you." Yeah, well I don't any more good friends, OK?

Star Trek Host: Keep in mind that Pelgar has very few friends. We don't like him, either.

Q: Hey Pelgar. I have a question for you, What's a Ferengi's best friend? Latinum or Friends?
captain_ktyra_parker1876

Pelgar: If you have to ask...

Q: How many Ferengi does it take to screw in a light bulb?
nr4ps

Pelgar: Two, but they have to be really small.

Q: Oh great, wise, and mighty Pelgar, Why are Star Trek geeks so whiny??
jeff92k7

Pelgar: Beats me, but at least they're not like those Star Wars fans, those people are strange.

Q: Mr. Pelgar, Are you having emotional difficulties with losing all your profits because of your status in prison?
David L.

Pelgar: Ah, let me clear up this little misconception. While I am losing profits that I would otherwise be earning while I'm in prison, my assets are safe in the galactic equivalent of an offshore account, just like the ones all those CEO's on your planet have.

You see, they'll do a token couple of years in nice mid-level penitentiary, get out and still be wealthier than most of you combined. They always win. That's my plan as well.

Q: Does the Federation know you are talking to us?
Securitron

Pelgar: Of course they do- Hey, who is this "Securitron?" What kind of name is "Securitron?" What are you an ATM with legs and too much time on your hands?

Q: Help, the singing monkeys are back in my head, what should I do?
singing_monkey

Pelgar: Ah, glad you asked. To get the singing monkeys out of your head, you need to wrap your head in tin foil. This will also keep the CIA from reading your thoughts.

Q: How did startrek.com become involved in your plea bargain?
madmax

Pelgar: It's all some sort of corporate "synergy" thing.

Q: I start school tomorrow. How can I get my teachers to do whatever I want them to?
darktribbel21

Pelgar: Bribe them. Teachers don't get paid much on your planet.

Q: Pelgar, do you have friends in the Klingon High Council? Have you ever acquired a Federation Starship?
captainpaul

Pelgar: No and no. What were you thinking?

Q: What is the Ferengi food of choice for the great Pelgar????
raistlin1807

Pelgar: Hot Pockets. Tasty goodness. Of course, my tastes change from day to day.

Q: Are you going to be in the next season of Enterprise?
captian_robert

Pelgar: Not unless they come up with a lot more cash. You know, I've been negotiating with them for a long time, and each time they say "And you are... who?"

Q: Pelgar, You've indicated in your columns that you are well connected. Yet, in the recent chat with Grand Nagus Rom and First Lady Leeta, both indicated that they never heard of you. How do you respond to this?
Fed News Channel

Pelgar: Look, while it pains me to say this, the Nagus and his lovely wife are in a position where it doesn't reflect well on them to admit to knowing me. I'm a prisoner, I'm a "criminal," they've got reputations to uphold. Of course, I've never met them, but that's beside the point.

Q: Hey Pelgar. Why would the people at Paramount decide to make a Star Trek series that takes place in the past? Why not make a series that takes place after Voyager?? Now if Earth is in any danger, we know it will be saved, taking the fun out of the show. Don't you agree?
Eff

Pelgar: What are you talking about? What is this "Paramount" you speak of? Your strange words are confusing to me.

Q: Pelgar, I think your column is really funny and sharp witted, but deep down, I bet you are a warm and nice person just trying to get our attention
captainpaul

Pelgar: So, is there a question in that?

Q: Where can I get a good deal on a Universal Translator?
nr4ps

Pelgar: Crazy Belshiq's, he stocks them deep and sells them cheap. He's CRAZY!

Star Trek Host: Remember, Pelgar is deeply bitter about his circumstances and is predisposed to giving advice that may result in catastrophe.

Q: please insult me
tol_sivron

Pelgar: Alright, if I must. You're an idiot, you're a fool, you're a... oh, it's just not as much fun when you want to be insulted.

Q: With teeth as big as yours, its a wonder you aren't related to the earth beaver
tol_sivron

Pelgar: The Earth beaver, eh? As opposed to the Vulcan beaver or the Cardassian beaver?

Q: Pelgar, what defines a "celebrity"?
mikejmoe

Pelgar: There's a secret cabal of fools that spin a big wheel. Whoever it lands on gets to be a celebrity.

Q: Ok, so what would you do if a Romulan business man proposed to partner with you in a scheme to sell used runabouts dirt cheap in great volume to Shuttle Rental companies?
captainpaul

Pelgar: It's all about getting a contract and getting it in writing, especially when dealing with Romulans. You gotta watch those Romulans.

Star Trek Host: Don't forget to read Pelgar's advice columns!

Q: Pelgar, I need advice... Should I stay in the Celestial Temple, or return to my family and let the galaxy be destroyed leading to total and complete annihilation of all of existence?
benjamin_sisko

Pelgar: Uh... Celestial temple, huh? Who comes up with this stuff?

Q: How much did that little plug the Host just gave for your advice columns cost you?
terakrall

Pelgar: Hey, it costs me nothing. What does it cost YOU?

Q: Do you have a sure fire cure for a headache?
rncwnd13

Pelgar: Hey, I'm an advice columnist, not a doctor.

Q: Pelgar, what's the deal with Section 31?
defmikey

Pelgar: Comes right after Section 30, right before Section 32. Next question.

Q: What's up with that?
Mr. H. Potter

Pelgar: What's up with that? I'll tell you what's up with that, nothing, that's what. Got it? If you know what's good for you, you'll agree that there's nothing up with that, understand?

Q: What is prison food like? Is it better or worse than Klingon food?
Prison food critic

Pelgar: Well, unlike Klingon food, it's not moving when I eat it. Klingon food is one of those rare oddities in the universe, where the food is actually smarter than the beings consuming it. Gagh, for example, is a bunch of disgusting, grubby worms with one-celled brains, far, far more intelligent than twenty Klingons combined.

Q: If a cargo ship carrying gold pressed Latinum leaves Vulcan at 2230 hours (local Vulcan time), and another shuttle leaves Chronos carrying the same amount of Latinum, how long will it be until they happen to attempt to buy the Ferengi homeworld?
andyt

Pelgar: Twelve.

Q: Boxers or briefs?
darktribbel21

Pelgar: Boxers of course.

Q: Pelgar, who's your favorite Backstreet Boy?
defmikey

Pelgar: I'm in prison, I'll pass on that one.

Q: Any reason you hate bacon so much?
three

Pelgar: Only because it's the favorite food of K'Phat, the Klingon pig.

Q: Pelgar, what sort of lawyer allowed you to land in this crummy situation in the first place?
maxmatahari

Pelgar: A Hew-Mon lawyer, of course. If I had been allowed Ferengi counsel, I'd be free right now.

Q: Pelgar can I be your "Freak of the Week"?
mattpdx Pelgar: Hmmm, no. Not freakish enough. Try again.

Q: Pelgar, this year I am going to take the ACT. How should I prepare for this difficult exam?
mikejmoe

Pelgar: Hire someone much smarter than you to take the test, because clearly you would fail on your own.

Q: Pelgar, do you like Coke or Pepsi?
bartnick51

Pelgar: Neither has offered me any endorsement money yet.

Q: This question if more the host: Do you ever get a thank you for sitting through all this and picking out the questions? If not then I say thank you very much these chats would be about impossible without you.
madmax

Star Trek Host: No no, thank *you*.

Pelgar: Blah, blah, thanks, blah, whose chat is this anyways?????

Q: Pelgar, did you have a happy childhood?
singing_monkey

Pelgar: Define "childhood."

Q: What's the tenth rule of acquisition?
nr4ps

Pelgar: What am I, a librarian? I'm not here to just give out Rules of Acquisition. Go buy them, that's what they're there for!

Q: I heard that Ferengi are born with a natural talent for commerce. What happened to you?
andyt

Pelgar: Oh, am I supposed to be insulted by the widdle Hew-Mon?

Q: This question is for the Host...does Startrek.com offer you free counseling services after dealing with the likes of Pelgar in chats like this?
Terakrall

Star Trek Host: No.

Pelgar: Hey, hey what about me and my trauma? Dealing with you guys is damaging my tender psyche. I may have to be released.

Q: Pelgar why don't you buy your way out of prison, are you too poor?
nietdeechte

Pelgar: Because these goody-goody Federation types don't need Latinum. Makes it harder to bribe people when they don't need money.

Q: Pelgar, have you ever been in love?
letmein

Pelgar: Yes. There was a big pile of Latinum locked away in my uncle's safe. I could look at it, on holidays he'd allow us to pick it up and pass it around, under armed guard of course. I know, I've made plenty of Latinum myself, but you never forget that first love. Sigh.

Q: Pelgar, what's your email address?
capt_jtk

Pelgar: It's on my column page, something like pelgar@startrek.com, something like that. Again, I'm not a librarian, how am I supposed to keep all of this information in my brain when I have more important, fiscal matters to concern myself with?

Q: Is love profitable?
capt_photon

Pelgar: This is a family site, and I have to keep my answers respectable.

Q: Pelgar, I am pinching you! Pinch pinch pinch pinch! What do you think about that?"
Mom

Pelgar: I think I'm more than a little disturbed and I need another question quickly.

Q: Dear Business-Savvy Pelgar: I came to work for humans who owned a small company a few years ago with the understanding that I would be given the fair opportunity to purchase the business. They chose to sell the business to another human who had much more Latinum than I possess. While I cannot blame such a capitalist decision on their part, and new ownership is not entirely bad, I am still more than a little miffed. After all, I was engaged in a profitable banking venture previously and enjoyed charging usurious interest rates to unsuspecting borrowers. So should I forget the whole thing, start up my own shop or just hire some Nausicaans to pay them a visit on account of my troubles?
Miffed Human

Pelgar: - what? Huh? Is the Hew-Mon done talking yet? Hey, this is a chat, try writing a novel on your own time. I stopped paying attention a long time ago.

Q: Talosians, Melkotians, Ferengis, all the best aliens have big heads I've always said that. Star trek needs more noggin class aliens. POWER TOO DA HEAD!!!!
ErinC.

Pelgar: Word to that, my big headed compadre.

Q: Pelgar, do you have tatical information so that I can get you out of your prison?
mikejmoe

Pelgar: "tatical?" What is that? Like tentacle? Like an octopus? No, I only have two arms.

Q: Do you believe that "Free advice is seldom cheap"?
nr4ps

Pelgar: Nice Rule there. Well, let me tell you. Here I am, being forced to give advice to Hew-Mons (which could fall under the "cruel and unusual punishment" clause), so this is indeed not cheap to me. It pains me. It hurts me. Happy?

Q: I saw a Ferengi giving away Latinum. He claimed he was looking for a new spiritual release for his people. Do you see any profit in this?
andyt

Pelgar: That couldn't have been a Ferengi. You must be mistaken. Giving away Latinum? Hardly.

Q: Pelgar, can you give better advice than Dr. Phil?
mikejmoe

Pelgar: Well, we're both bald, and while his lobes are large, mine are larger, sexier and yes, more profound. So that must mean I give better advice.

Q: Pelgar, did you know it's impossible to lick you own elbow?
singing_monkey

Pelgar: Thanks for sharing, spent a lot of time on that one, did you?

Q: Pelgar, what game is harder to beat, Dabo or Fizzbin?
Defmikey

Pelgar: Today's Tuesday, so Fizzbin is easier today. Tomorrow it's Dabo.

Q: Pelgar, why in all your columns do you critize people for poor punctuation?
mikejmoe

Pelgar: I don't just criticize people for poor punctuation, I also lambaste idiots who can't spell simple words like "criticize."

Q: How big, exactly, are those massive loves you have there, Pelgar?
Vladtheimpaler

Pelgar: Big enough, my friend, big enough. Next question.

Q: Are you sometimes tires of being insulted by people who say that they will track you on their cloaked ship
rick_oconnor

Pelgar: Yeah, they tell me "Oh, I'm going to find you and get you with my light saber" but I'm not worried. Those morons are too busy camping out in front of movie theaters for months at a time.

Q: Pelgar, why do Ferengis talk to Beagles?
Captainpaul

Pelgar: Because they have more intelligent things to say than Hew-Mons.

Q: Pelgar will you be my friend?
singing_monkey

Pelgar: For a fee.

Star Trek Host: Coming down to the last few questions for our guest, Pelgar...

Q: Pelgar, I challenge you to a game of stratajema? Do you accept?
knog22

Pelgar: No.

Q: Pelgar, are you married?
thegreat007

Pelgar: Nope, your lobes or mine?

Q: Hi, how do Ferengi produce children??
leia

Pelgar: Actually, it's a co-production.

Q: I have a time-ship...when do you recommend I should go?
benjamin_sisko

Pelgar: Go back in time and prevent your parents from meeting.

Star Trek Host: OK! That wraps up today's chat with Pelgar! Thanks to everyone for joining us, and thank *you* Pelgar for taking your time to give us such helpful advice!

Pelgar: Keep those cards and letters coming.

Star Trek Host: Please let Pelgar know how much you appreciate him and the time he taken to be here with us today.

BYE PELGAR THANK YOU securitron Thanks for nothin, Pelgar! mikejmoe Yo momma pelgar! Defmikey

Pelgar: Thanks, I kind of mean that.

Thank you Mrs. Host madmax

Pelgar: Send money.

BYE PELGEY martyr_aestur Thank you "Star Trek Host"! Thank you "Pelgar"! benjamin_sisko Thank you Host for the fun :) maximillian

Pelgar: Thanks to you all, you've ensure my TV privileges for months to come. tol_sivron, I saw that. Not amused.

thank you Pelgar we appreciate you tailkinker Money is in the mail mikejmoe

Pelgar: Yeah, well you're a big- hey, let me go, put those handcuffs away- - - -

Have fun in prison, Pelgar. maxmatahari

Star Trek Host: The views and opinions expressed by Pelgar are in no way reflective of those of the Federation or Starfleet.