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Know any good Star Trek jokes?

bensmalls_is_a_BigYellowJ
oint

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Report this May. 28 2009, 2:38 am

Does anyone know any good Star Trek jokes?

SLagonia

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Report this May. 28 2009, 2:59 am

Season two of Enterprise.  Now that was a joke :p

out_of_this_world

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Report this May. 28 2009, 6:32 am

I don't know any good Star Trek jokes but I know a really bad one:
"how many ears does captain kirk have?"

"3: the left ear the right ear and the final front ear"

That is an awful joke but I remember finding it hilarious when I was about 7

Camorite

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Report this May. 28 2009, 9:25 am

not as bad as this one MG:

Why did the Vulcan cross the road?

He didn't, it wasn't logical to do so.

Bad I know, but it was the only one that i could think of.

SLagonia

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Report this May. 28 2009, 10:48 am

Quote (Camorite @ May 27 2009, 12:25 pm)
not as bad as this one MG:

Why did the Vulcan cross the road?

He didn't, it wasn't logical to do so.

Bad I know, but it was the only one that i could think of.

Data: "The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of..."

Picard: "Thank you, Mister Data."

Commander_Zelkar

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Report this May. 28 2009, 10:49 am

What does toilet paper and the Enterprise have in common?

oh....nevermind....

sizro_spunkmire

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Report this May. 28 2009, 2:06 pm

Deanna Troy, while on Qo'nos, was admiring a Female Klingon's necklace.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Denebian Slime Devil's teeth," the Klingon replied.
"I suppose," Deanna said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," The Klingon objected. "Any fool can open an oyster."


--------------------------------

Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Spock wakes his faithful friend. "Jim, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Kirk replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Kirk ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Spock is silent for a moment, then speaks."Jim, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

---------------------------------

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Quark: Who, me?

Kirk: You chicken bleep, you killed my son...YOU chicken bleep, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bleep....youkilledmy...son!

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

Bones: bleep! I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by any kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of
Picard: Data, shut up.
Data: yes, sir.

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Picard: There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time . . . did I scream this time?

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harry Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Spock: Fascinating, Captain.

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the ¿computers and . . .

Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Mr. Homn:

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's . . .

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.


-------------------------------

Taken from: http://osuniverse.homestead.com/index.html

Admiral_JTK

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POSTS: 4833

Report this May. 28 2009, 4:10 pm

Quote (bensmalls_is_a_BigYellowJoint @ May 28 2009, 2:38 am)
Does anyone know any good Star Trek jokes?

AMOK TIME DELETED CUT:

Phlox01

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Report this May. 28 2009, 4:23 pm

The previous post leads right into my joke.
 What sound does a Vulcan pop gun make?
 T'Pau!

Camorite

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Report this May. 28 2009, 4:42 pm

Quote (Commander_Zelkar @ May 28 2009, 10:49 am)
What does toilet paper and the Enterprise have in common?

oh....nevermind....

now that was a crappy joke, and i mean that literally.

Admiral_JTK

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Report this May. 28 2009, 4:49 pm

NXstartrekker

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Report this May. 28 2009, 6:14 pm

Quote (sizro_spunkmire @ May 28 2009, 2:06 pm)
Deanna Troy, while on Qo'nos, was admiring a Female Klingon's necklace.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Denebian Slime Devil's teeth," the Klingon replied.
"I suppose," Deanna said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," The Klingon objected. "Any fool can open an oyster."


--------------------------------

Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Spock wakes his faithful friend. "Jim, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Kirk replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Kirk ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Spock is silent for a moment, then speaks."Jim, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

---------------------------------

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Quark: Who, me?

Kirk: You chicken bleep, you killed my son...YOU chicken bleep, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bleep....youkilledmy...son!

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

Bones: bleep! I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by any kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of
Picard: Data, shut up.
Data: yes, sir.

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Picard: There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time . . . did I scream this time?

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harry Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Spock: Fascinating, Captain.

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the ?computers and . . .

Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Mr. Homn:

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue,and then there's . . .

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.


-------------------------------

Taken from: http://osuniverse.homestead.com/index.html

Someone kill me...now

challengerdyer

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POSTS: 887

Report this May. 29 2009, 12:36 am

I saw these jokes like 20 years ago in Best of Trek books...anyone remember them???
 #1- ....then there was the time Yoeman Rand complained that someone had drilled a hole in the door to her quarters.  Captain Kirk promised to look into it.
  #2- Captain Kirk beamed down to the Planet Nueral to obtain medicine for the crew.  The Medicine Chief said, " For our precious life giving rocks, you must wrestle a Mugato, make love to our Witch woman, and chop enough wood to last the village throughout the cold winter."  Captain Kirk got down to business chopping wood as he knew this would take him the longest time. Days later, exhausted, filthy, dizzy, and bleeding from several wounds, Kirk came back to the Chief.
"Okay," he said, gasping for breath. " I only have one task left.  Where's this Witch woman I have to wrestle?"

Phlox01

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Report this May. 29 2009, 7:39 am

I remember those, and have borrowed them on occasion.

The new yeoman reported to Doctor McCoy for her physical.
"How much do you weigh, my dear?"
"I'm 105 pounds, stripped for gym."
"That guy has all the luck!"
---
That same new yeoman reported to Rand to learn her duties.
"Where do I eat?" asked the new yeoman.
"You'll mess with the officers."
"I know that, but where do I eat?"


:laugh:  :sick:

skynyrd04

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Report this May. 29 2009, 3:00 pm

Anyone on this message boards sense of reality and proportion. :laugh:

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